Shauna Berglund-Immel (1966 - 2009)

Another Step...

2011-10-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

well, here's another big step for me as i finally was able to get shauna's beautiful headstone finished and placed at her grave site...i am really happy with how it turned out!

Shanua Pays a Visit!

2011-10-11T15:31:00.000-07:00

recently, i was watching spencer play a soccer game at catlin and i noticed a beautiful site to the east overlooking the soccer field. i'm pretty sure it was shauna because i know how much she loved to watch her kids play sports :-)

here's a picture of what i saw and it was nice to see her!!!

where do i go from here?

2010-07-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

in the summer of 2006, shauna called me to let me know she was having abdominal pains and that i should meet her at the hospital...that day set in motion a series of events that forever changed the lives of so many people.

i originally created this blog for shauna so she could share her thoughts, and for people to keep track of her condition. i believe she used it for that purpose and i understand she wrote some pretty amazing pieces (i still can't bring myself to read them yet).

i don't want to clutter this site with a bunch of junk from my head, and i'm not very good at writing, but i feel like right now, this is the closest place i have to be near her. i can remember many nights when she would sit down and pour her heart and soul into her writings. i'm glad she had a place to share herself.

tonight on espn, they replayed the civil war football game from last season and i immediately thought of shauna and her final night! it was at about 5pm on december 3rd, 2009 when she took her last breath; an image that will live in my mind until the day i die.

on that night, everything became real for me! up until then, i tried very hard stay in the moment and to enjoy each and every day we had together, not allowing my mind to drift ahead to the time when she would leave for good. when that day finally arrived, i think the walls caved in on me hard as i quickly realized the best part of me was now gone forever!

i have always believed that life is far better when you have someone to share it with and i loved sharing myself and all that i had to offer with shauna. now i find myself alone...and it sucks!

and so, here i am, nearly 8 months later and to be honest, i feel pretty much today where i was on december 3rd. i've have cried more in the past 8 months than all of our entire 20 years together and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

there are many mornings when i get up and wonder how in the hell i'm going to get through another day? it seems like every day brings with it some kind of milestone from our years together, be it an anniversary, a birthday, mother's day, father's day, etc...right now, i don't feel like celebrating any of it. keep it all; i want no part of it because i don't have my best friend to share it with.

i hate to admit it, but i completely understand the line in the movie jerry maguire when he says "you complete me"! that's what shauna did for me and now that's gone and i find myself wondering far too often "where do i go from here?" i feel like the wind has been taken from my sails and i'm a boat that's adrift with no desire to start paddling; i wonder when or if that will change?

many have told me that time will help the pain and things will improve, but right now, i could care less! oh well, i guess another day has passed and maybe that's a good thing? all i know is that i miss my wife like hell and i sure hope things will get better someday!

Christmas Ornaments

2009-12-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

Wonderful suggestion from Amy Forster, one of Shauna's friends: "I have an idea for friends of Shauna - Christmas time is such a hard time of year to lose a loved one. To help with this through the years I have a thought for her friends from all over the world to send a tree ornament from you about you, where you live or about how you knew Shauna. When the kids decorate the tree for years to come they will have ornaments in tribute to their mother of how much she was loved by all her friends. Wouldn't it be great if her 500+ facebook friends sent ornaments for the kids."

If you'd like to send an ornament, you can send it to the Immels @

13405 SW Lancewood Street
Beaverton OR 97008

Sign ups for helping with the Celebration of Life can be found at the lotsahelpinghands website.

Thanks,

Paris Dukes

ParisDukes@comcast.net

Celebration of Life

2009-12-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

Shauna's Celebration of Life will be held on Sunday, January 3rd, 2010, 1:00PM at the Cabell Center, Catlin Gabel School, 8825 SW Barnes Road, Portland, OR.

More details to follow next week for food sign ups, etc.

Please contact Paris Dukes at parisdukes@comcast.net for more information.

Services

2009-12-07T08:22:00.000-08:00

From the family:

Hi all - update on services. There will be 'family only' services in Portland & Seattle this weekend. Then, there will be a celebration of Shauna's life that will be open for everyone sometime in January. We'll post details about the celebration as soon as we have them (date, time, location). Thanks.

Shauna

2009-12-03T21:35:00.001-08:00

Dear friends, Shauna passed away peacefully earlier this evening. We are grateful that her suffering is over. Thank you for all the support you have given her throughout her fight. We will post information about services when we know more. The family is requesting privacy at this time.

Fundraiser for Shauna

2009-11-28T13:44:00.000-08:00

This is Shauna's friend, Paris. Shauna has asked me to post the following information on her blog.

I wanted to let you know about a book I have created on Shauna's behalf. It is an 8 1/2" x 11" soft-bound printed book that combines many of Shauna's amazing Galapagos photos with selected writings from her blog. Many of the writings are from her experience with Write Around Portland.

With her permission, I am selling copies of this book as a fundraiser for the Shauna Berglund-Immel Lifeline Fund. My cost for the book is $22 plus shipping (approx. $2). Any donation in addition to the $24 will be donated to Shauna.

This book has been a labor of love and a celebration of my friendship with Shauna. I would be greatly touched to share this book with all who love and support Shauna.

If you would like to order a book, please contact me via email:

parisdukes@comcast.net

You may make checks payable to me, Paris Dukes, or send payment via paypal at jandpdukes@comcast.net. My address is:

12235 SW Fulmar Terrace
Beaverton, OR 97007

I will forward any donations (not including the price of the book) to the Immel family as the orders come in.

Thank you for your continued support. Your donations will be greatly appreciated. Please contact me with any questions.

Fondly,
Paris

Hospice

2009-11-10T16:43:00.000-08:00

So here I am. On hospice. But at home. Where my husband and my family are my caretakers. Wondering how I got here. Why I got here. Wanting to go back to how things were, even a few months ago. When I was free. Independent. A social butterfly. A soccer mom. On the go. Multitasking. Not being fed intraveniously, on a short leash because I have an NG tube hanging out of my nose, hooked up to a pump 24/7. Back to when I was just Shauna with stage 4 cancer, not Shauna, homebound on hospice. It's really cramping my style.

I've not settled in well. Into this lifestyle. I'm not used to being homebound. On a short leash. Going from the couch to my bed to the couch again. I've been angry. And depressed. Distracted. Unable to concentrate and enjoy things I used to. Like reading, blogging, writing, crossword puzzles, facebooking and the sort. I just don't find joy in them anymore. So I've been watching TV and too much of it. And it isn't pretty. Any of it really. It gets old really fast.

So there is no resting on hospice. You have a revolving door. They start calling you at 830am to make appointments and then a steady stream of hospice nurses, infusion nurses, chaplains, social workers, physical therapists, bath aides etc. visit you throughout the day and week. It gets quite tiring. Especially if you're not feeling well. Sleeping through the night is impossible, hooked up to TPN, my liquid diet, from 6pm until 1030am the next morning. Infused daily through my port in my chest. On top of being hooked up to the NG TUBE suction.

So that's my life lately. Exciting. NOT.

xoxoxox

Shauna

The Life Boat

2009-08-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

The Life Boat
by Shauna Berglund Immel

Life is like a Cruise Ship.
Like the Carnival Line.
Exciting and fun.
Sailing over the waters with ease.
Without a care in the world.

Dolphins jump in the wake.
Like a marching band
leading a float in a parade.

Waves break against the bough (bow?)
Turning water into mist
like confetti falling.
Dancing in the salty air
like fairies in flight.

I stand at the helm,
taking in the beauty of the beyond
and pondering the endless possibilities
as far as the eye can see
Like the ocean.
The places I can go.
The things I can see.

I breathe in the scent of the sea
slowly
Savoring the salty aroma

The salt air tickles my face
as we sail head on into the wind.
Full speed ahead.

But the ocean
and Mother Nature,
like life,
are unpredictable.

Clouds move in like shadows
as the solitude of the still blue sky
turns to chaos.

The wind,
once a soft, warm breeze,
picks up speed
and the wet sprinkles on your face,
which once felt like soft kisses
now sting like a swarm of bees.

The seas swell
and the ocean waves,
once like a steady, mesmerizing heartbeat
Slap the side of the ship with force
Tossing it around
like a toy ship at odds
with a raging, swirl of sea.
So small and fragile.

No match for the strenght of the sea,
The ship takes on water
Like the weight of the world.
Beginning to go under.
Sinking deeper into the abyss.

Until all that is left
is but a tiny rowboat
adrift in the storm.

I read this tonight at the Write Around Portland Anthology Release Party They needed more footage of me for a documentary they are working on. It's always nice to participate in those readings. It's a great organization that does so much for the community

Wasn't feeling well today. Very nauseous and feels like increased fluid in my abdominal area. A lot of pressure in my rib area, like when I had it before and they took me away in the ambulance. I know better than to do that again! Also got some bad news. My daughter's teacher was diagnosed with breast cancer. Which means she will be gone for part of the year to deal with all that entails. It just seems like we can't get away from this. My son's middle school home room teacher/advisor was diagnosed with cancer in 7th grade, both of her gymnastics coaches were diagnosed and one ended up passing away. We miss Irina. Kaelin's reaction was "Everyone has cancer." and then she listed all of the people, including me. What is going on? Why is it following us wherever we go. Bringing up bad memories and feelings. We just can't seem to catch a break and get a breather from it. It is very prominent in our life. Where before I was diagnosed, Irina was the only one we knew. I feel like I bring bad karma wherever i go. Is it me???? It breaks my heart that these people now have to deal with this disease too. When will someone find a cure?? We need one. And soon. Sigh.

My mom bought a new Mac Book Pro laptop, so I am back in the blogging business, photos and all! I have so much catching up to do! I will leave you with a photo of the day from my Galapagos Trip, which was heaven on earth. Enjoy! xoxoxo Shauna

photo of me at the Equator in Quito, Ecuador

You Saved Me

2009-08-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

I went and saw the movie "Julie & Julia" tonight. Have you seen it yet? It's a movie that cuts back and forth between the story of two wome, Julia Child and a woman named Julie who is tired of herself, her life, her friends and her job and who has lost her passion. She starts a blog and then cooks her way through Julia Child's cookbook in 365 days.

First of all, Meryl Streep is BRILLIANT as Julia Child. What an actress that woman is!

Second of all, I could really relate to the character, Julie, whose husband has the idea to start a blog and helps her set it up (mine did the same for me!) and then who encourages her along the way. Through the process of blogging, she finds herself, her life, her passion and her joy as she connects with her blog readers and realizes that she needs them, just as much as they need her! She realizes her blog saved her.

I experienced this very same thing when I was diagnosed with cancer and began my blog. It became my friend. My companion. Always ready to listen and encourage. And once people began commenting and supporting me, and telling me I inspire them, it was like a drug. I needed it just as much as my readers needed me. It gave me a place to share my fears, my joy, my journey. It saved me from falling into that great black abyss of grief and depression. It gave me purpose. It turned a negative into a positive. I was helping people!

So thank you for being here. For visiting me and my blog. For listening. Caring. For saving me.

What a reminder of why I started the blog and the joy I get from writing.

xoxoxoxoxox
Shauna

I've been honored as a Top Health Blogger!

2009-08-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

You will notice in the upper right hand corner of my blog that I have a new exclusive badge to recognize me as one of the web's leading health bloggers! I was invited to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network. the world's premier network of health writers, including over 2,500 of the Web's leading health bloggers! They carefully reviewed my blog, and based on the high quality of my writing, the frequency of my posts, and my passion for helping others, they thought I would be a great addition to their community! Wellsphere has more than 5,000,000 monthly unique visitors. They will be promoting me and my blog as a great source of health knowledge and support, featuring me in rotation on their homepage, republishing my posts and linking back to my blog. with the connection to the Wellsphere platform, the audience for my postings will be greatly expanded and it will attract additional readers to my blog, as I receive recognition for my efforts to improve people's lives.

Wellsphere is the fastest-growing consumer health website, and is revolutionizing the way people find and share health and healthy living information and support. They recently merged with the Health Central Network, Inc, and together they are serving more than 10 million people a month!

I am very honored to be a part of this community and look forward to this journey together.

Thank you all for the continued support! I couldn't do this without you all.
xoxoxoxo

A Numbers Game

2009-08-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

So I got my CA125 results back. This blood marker, and the fluid seen in my monthly CT scans are the only things that my doctors have to watch. Unfortunately, my numbers are trending upwards, not what you want to see. 35 and below is normal.

Here is my latest history:

5/20/09 105
6/11/09 97
7/6/09 144
7/26/09 151
8/9/09 183

The highest mine has ever been was 176ish just after diagnosis and before major surgery. Lowest it has ever been is 22, right after my major surgery.

Always a bit confusing because it seems when my numbers peak, is when I feel and look (or so people say) my best. I just can't figure this cancer out. Hard to fight something that makes no sense. I wish they would hurry up and find a cure already. I could sure use one about now.

xoxoxoxo

Staying Positive. Or at least trying to.

2009-08-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

I posted on Facebook about being on chemo Monday from 830am-5pm and then having to get hooked up to the chemo pump for the next 46 hours.

Shauna Berglund Immel has escaped from the Chemo Suite and is on the run
with "Fillup", my chemo pump for the next 46 hours. Oh boy we're gonna have
some
fun. NOT.
My friend Ahn: Trust you to come up with a funny name for your chemo pump!
You're incredible, how do you always stay so positive?
My resonsponse: It's better than being miserable. When you have a limited amount of time, do you want to enjoy it or be miserable? I have my moments! Ask my family! Escapes help: playdates, movies, coffee dates, lunches, books, support groups, journaling classes, etc. Facebook! Contact with friends. The support I receive is so overwhelming, I can't help but be positive back.
It's not easy. It totally sucks. I get up every single morning and look for my happy face hanging in my closet to put on. And my cape. Usually on the floor needing ironing. I wouldn't do this for anyone but my kids. Not myself. Not my husband. It's so freaking hard and it doesn't get any easier. Only harder.
See, I'm not always positive!

Your Absentee Blogger

2009-08-07T20:17:00.001-07:00

I apologize for my disappearance. Both my PC and my laptop have been down, and updating my blog from my PDA phone seems impossible and so cumbersome. I am making it a goal to post at least once a day as long as I'm feeling well to keep you all up to date and in the know with my treatment and life! I know a lot of you are following me on Facebook (Shauna Berglund Immel), but I also know a lot of you are not in that world yet. So I apologize for keeping you in the dark the last several months.

I am hanging in there. My numbers have creeped back up. CA125 normal is 35 or below. Last blood draw (last week) was up to 155. My oncologist was giving me a month of treatment (FOLFOX = oxciliplatin, avastin and 5FU in the pump) to see if it would come back down. I meet with her on Monday and have my next round. I'm going every other week now. It gets very old!

I've lost 40# since my trip to the Galapagos Islands (May 7). My digestive system is so messed up and I haven't been able to eat or drink much and keeping it down is also a chore at times. Luckily I had it to lose and more, but being a cancer/chemo patient, losing weight isn"t always a good thing (or so my doctor tells me!). I also think that when they stopped the steroids (had a bad episode where they ODed me on Steroids and I went into drug induced psychosis?), it caused me to let go of some of the bloated look that goes along with them.

I've been living life large, and in full color during my good weeks and hanging low during the bad chemo weeks. But I'm grateful for the good weeks and the perspective I have gained on priorities, etc through this journey.

All of my photos are on my pc, which is down at the moment, so I'm going to have trouble posting photos for a bit. Please be patient with me as I ease back into this blogging addiction! I must say I have missed it and you all!

Thanks for being there for me and checking in on me and being so patient! It's good to be back among the posting!

xoxoxoxox
Shauna

I'm back!

2009-05-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

The Galapagos rocked! The travel was excellent. I felt phenomenal! Hiked and snorkeled with penguins, sea lions, sharks and turtles! Amazing!! There are no words! It was truly The Enchanted Islands! HOpefully someday soon I'll get some photos up. They upload so slow. One at a time. :( Easier for me on facebook. If you are on Facebook , I'm Shauna Berglund Immel. I have started a Galapagos album there.

Happy Birthday to my 14 year old son Spencer today! May 21st! Took him to Sushi Boat for dinner, his favorite!

Good news...my CA125 has improved!

5/20 105
4/22 146
4/1 127

Normal is 35 or less. At least I'm finally trending toward the right direction. Wish me luck!

Went in for oncologist appt. today. Was going to do 3rd round of Folfox, which I'm allergic to the Oxcillaplatin portion of it. Had the last two rounds from hell, so not looking forward to this one. First round I ODed on Steroids. 2nd round I was taken away in an ambulance because I was underdosed and had a reaction (chills, vomiting and 103+ fever. Not good with no immune system). So I'm nervous.

Anyways, they have to administer it thru my port over 6+ hours, and they ran out of time today because they had to close for a staff meeting at 4pm. They usually close 530 or 6. or when we are done. So they premedicated me, but couldn't give me the big nasty oxy drug. So tomorrow I go in at 730am for my oxy. Oh the joys of chemo. Ugh. So cross your heart, toes, eyes, fingers, legs, arms and whatever else is crossable!

I'm off to bed now. Will try and keep you more updated now. I have a gazillion photos to go thru, so they will arrive here slowly and in small doses. Maybe I'll have a photo of the day.

Cheers! xoxoxo
Shauna

National Geographic Ship Blog

2009-05-06T18:11:00.001-07:00

Ok, so while I am on my trip, they will keep a blog of our daily activities and some photos from our excursions where you can check in and keep track of us!!!

Galapagos Islands Trip Blog

You'll need to know the dates of our trip and the name of our boat

We fly into Ecquador May 7th and spend the day there the next day. I think we are on the ship starting May 9th for 9 days.

The name of the ship is The National Geographic Endeavour (spelled the Brittish way!)

Enjoy following along until I can return with my own photos!!!

xoxoxooxox
Shauna

OMG I'm Alive!!!!!

2009-05-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

Barely though! Had two horrible episodes with the oxcilliplatin that they added back in (I'm allergic to it). I'll have to fill you in later. I promise I will get back to blogging!!!! I've been a little distracted with the immediate gratification of Facebook, surviving drug induced psychosis, taking rides in ambulances, having LOADS of FUN and getting ready to leave for Equador and the Gallapagos Islands Thursday at 4:15am!!!! So I will be out of the country for 10 days!!! I will come back with magnificent photos and stories and hopefully my hubby will post some updates for me while I'm gone!!!! Email him to remind him!! dave@daveimmel.com

Bon Voyage my dear friends!!!! xoxoxooxo
Shauna

Chemo Cancer Catch up

2009-04-10T17:48:00.000-07:00

Had a cat scan last friday. My doc called me same day, which is unusual. had blood tests too. CA125 back up. 147 down to 114 and now up to 127. normal is 35 or less. cat scan showed increased fluid in ab area, where before. not good sign. supposed to go to galapagoes islands may 7th, so she decided to get aggressive and beat it down before i go. so monday was a long day of my BIG NASTY chemo back in the arsenol. i was there from 9am - 645pm. slow drip cuz i'm allergic to it. i'm struggling this week big time. tryiing to get over this chemo fog. it's sooo bad. been in bed sleeping since tuesday. can't pull oout. any stimulation at all is excruiating. no sound. no tv. no reading. no music. no talking. no fb. no texting. i just want to curl up and die. sometimes that seems easier. so overwhelmed with easter and class trips and class birthdays and class plays and i have no idea how i'm going to get anythinig done for mytrip or anyone's stuff. i can't function or focus. i'm hoping i turn the corner in the next day or two. i just can't handle any more. sorry to whine. just be patient with me. oh, another lady from my support group died yesterday, sara. :( cancer sucks.

heeeeeeeee's back!!!!!!!

2009-03-24T12:37:00.000-07:00

Wearing the same clothes he left in. Just looks a little more haggard. Thinner. Taller. Definately stinkier! LOL He is soooo glad to be home and I'm so glad to have him home!

First thing out of his mouth "I'm hungry! Can we stop and get some food?" He wants pizza, cheese burgers, ice cream. He missed American food!

Next thing out of his mouth "Is Simba in the car?" He was very happy to see Simba and vice versa.

So we stopped at the airport Starbucks and got him a cinnamon roll and an icetea/lemonade. Then we stopped and got him an oreo shake! It's cheeseburgers for lunch and pizza for dinner! I guess he's been living off of Sushi and noodles. He looks thin to me! Gotta fatten him up!

He's now had a long, hot shower, washed his hair and put on clean, fresh jammies. He's sitting on the couch, playing video games. Tired, but not wanting to go to bed. I think he's happy to be home. Of course he's tired, it's tomorrow in Japan! It's like 4am there or something. He's been up all night traveling. Long flight!

We went through his bag and he got out all of the souveneirs and goodies from his backpack. He was very excited to give Kaelin her stuff. So sweet of him. He's being very extra sweet to me, telling me "thanks for picking me up mom. Thanks for the cinnamon roll. Thanks for this, for that." It's so nice to have my baby boy home and in a good mood, not all teenagery!!! Remind me of this when I start complaining about his attitude again in a few days!! ;)

Thanks again to all who helped make this trip possible and who gifted him spending money. He had a wonderful time and wonderful memories and he's made some good friends with kids in his class that he wasn't as close to before. He's come back a changed boy and we are so glad to have him back!!!!

xoxxoxox
Shauna

P.S. On a sad note, Kaelin's gymnastics coach, Irina, died yesterday of cancer. She deserves her own post, so I will save that for tomorrow to honor her, as tomorrow is her memorial service. She is up with the angels now but she will forever be in our hearts and souls. xoxoxo

My Baby Comes Home Tomorrow!!!!

2009-03-23T11:59:00.000-07:00

Here is the latest update on their trip:

PHEW! Boy have we been busy between sick kids, traveling, and wonderful adventures! Dealing with sickness has been an additional stressor but through it all your kids have proven themselves to be amazing, resilient, generous and flexible troopers! We have not had internet access for the past couple of days while we have been staying at the outdoor school in Takeo and now the catlin website is not working so i am trying to send this thru gmail. I can hardly believe that we have already passed the halfway point in the trip and are actually down to the last couple of days! I told the kids on day 2 that it would seem like the trip was going slowly at the beginning and then suddenly it would be over! Sure enough we have all found that to be true! I will try to give you some quick updates of the activites you have missed!

The monkeys and the aquarium were a highlight for me in Beppu. And I am sure that the trained walrus knew more japanese than I do! On our last day in Beppu We were lucky enough to have clear weather on the day we took the tram up to the caldera of Mt Aso. It looked like a steaming caldron of blue/green/yellow broth and Andy had us all sit and write a tanka (a haiku but with more lines and syllables) while we were on the volcano. We also had a chance to visit with Kate Yonezawa (the previous Japanese instructor at catlin) and her husband who is a bamboo artist in the area. We visited the bamboo museum and made a small bamboo key chain.

Next came our reception in Takeo which even included a large american flag! The schools we visited were most welcoming hosts and the kids enjoyed having a chance to interact with the Japanese students. We were entertained by kendo and koto demonstrations and the kids wished they had had more time to perfect their song and dance performance. Staying at the outdoor school site was certainly not luxury accomodations and I am sure your kids will have lots of complaints about the food but this was never designed to be a 5 star trip and the accomodations were more than adequate. On our last day in Takeo, we visited their local science museum. I was amazed at how well designed the exhibits were. It definitely rivaled OMSI! We went in a bungee-type aparatus that was designed to give us the feel of what it is like to walk on the moon, and we also got to sit in the middle of a gyroscope-type contraption that whirled us in every direction while spinning 360 degrees! Some of us even got to stand inside a giant soap bubble! We also went to a site which was reputed to have the largest kiln in the world! We were taught how to make a clay bowl and true to form for catlin students, everyone's turned out different (not sure if that was what the instructor expected!). These will be glazed and then shipped to us in Oregon. They will make for a precious sourvenir of our time in Takeo which is known for its pottery. On the final evening at the camp, student volunteers from the local school put on an unusal candle ceremony which included silly dances, and songs with hand-motions. To reciprocate, we taught them a few of our own as well! It was a delightful evening and send off.

We have finally arrived in Hiroshima. The boys are in one youth hostel and the girls are in another a short distance apart since neither site was going to be able to take all 20 of us. Both are very new facilities and the kids are really happy with these sites. It has been an important goal of ours for the kids to learn that there are ways to make traveling less expensive. We were hopeful that the last of the illnesses were over, but it looks like a cold may have followed us here. We are crossing our fingers that it does not turn into the flu but we are thankful that tomorrow is really our last day of big adventures as we travel to the Peace Park and then take a short ferry ride to Miyajima where they will see deer walking the streets. The other night we in a circle and reflected on the differences the students have observed in Japan. It is surprising to me how insightful, perceptive and throughtful middle schoolers can be! Your kids are truly impressive! We are all learning alot - mostly about how to work together as a group and how to put the needs of the group ahead of our personal needs. As we all get tired and start to long for home we know that this will get tougher for all the kids. But we feel so fortunate to have this particular group of students with us. Luckily, there is not much that a warm bed and some pizza can't cure!

Wish I had the cables to download pictures onto this computer. Andy is working on setting up some photo albums on Picassa coz the kids have taken SO many pictures!!! Hopefully a link to that is coming soon! Well, we will be home before you know it!

See you soon!

Pongi, Andy and Ann

So Spencer flies in at 8:20am Tuesday/tomorrow!!! I can't wait to take him home, get him in the shower, with some CLEAN fresh clothes, stuff him with Pizza and ice cream, let him play video games and put him to bed in his own bed!!!! :) And hopefully between all of that stuff, hear about his trip! I'm sure knowing Spencer, his answer will be "It was fun." LOL I really think Kaelin has been missing him too. She and Simba have been sleeping in his bed. I know the bird misses Spencer and after cleaning the bird's cage yesterday myself, I miss Spencer! LOL But shhhhh.....don't tell him!!! He'll go all "teenager" on me! ;)

So Spring Break has officially started. Kaelin and I went to go see "Coraline" with Grannie and Grampa on Friday and then Kaelin stayed the night over at their house. I meant to get things done at home, but got caught up in talking/visiting with Paris at the bookstore and then catching up with a special childhood friend from when I was 10 via the phone! (Have I told you how much I LOVE Facebook lately? Thank you Facebook!) Suffice to say, there was a lot of catching up to do! Nice way to spend a Saturday, surrounded by friends near and far.

Kaelin was supposed to go to a Birthday party of one of her teammates, but I dropped the ball big time. I'm telling you, this stuff keeps happening to me. I used to be able to manage my family and their schedules so well. Like a CEO running a big huge corporation. I just can't seem to keep things together lately. We are late for everything. And half the time, I'm getting dates/weekends mixed up and we don't show up at all. Can I blame all of that on "Chemo Brain" I wonder? I feel terrible about missing this birthday party, especially since we RSVPed. And it was ice skating! I also dropped the ball and Kaelin missed going over to the head of the school's house to release Salmon into Salmon Creek. I feel HORRIBLE about those. Ugh.

So I'm going to go all "freakedoutcrazycancerlady" on you and share some fears. This is the curse of cancer BTW. Every little thing freaks you out. So I've had a pretty constant headache for the last 4-5 days. Not excruiating, but nagging. And I'm not a headachey kind of person. I also have been feeling this "whoosh" in a certain side of my head. Like pulsing. Like I can feel the blood flowing there. And I've been really tired. And stressed with my 13 year old away and all of this stuff that needs doing and I am so overwhelmed. Not to mention my forgetfulness. And lack of motivation. Lack of energy. Lack of get up and go. Blah Blah Blah. (normal chemo side effects by the way, worsening with time as the drugs build up in your system and accumulate). But what conclusion do I come to? I have a brain tumor! Now I can't stop thinking about that. What if it's spread to my brain, like what happens with so many women I see in my support group? Ugh! I hate the Cancer Curse! It just will NEVER leave you alone. I think I will bring this up with my doctor next visit and ask for an MRI. Just to be sure. BTW, I have my 6 week CT Scan on April 3rd. Good gracious, April is next week! My baby girl turns 10 on April 1st! I'm not ready!!!!!!

Dave has been running a shooting clinic/pick up games for youth kids on Sunday nights 6-8pm. Last night Kaelin went to her 2nd one, with some of her teammates, and you definately can see a difference in her shooting! She's improving in both shooting and in game play! Making cuts. Driving, etc! I love it! She's going to be a good player if she sticks with it. She can shoot and more importantly in girls hoops, she can JUMP!

This week she is attending one of Dave's Spring Break Hoop Camps M-TH 12-3pm with some of her teammates. This will really be good for her! I might sneak over and watch but it's so nice to be HOME ALL ALONE! What should I do first????? She's going to a playdate afterwards and Dave has Open Gym at Catlin and I have a fun dinner at Chevy's with ex-coworkers from HOTP. If I can remember to go that is!!

Better stop rambling and get to enjoying being home alone. That means laundry, cleaning, paperwork, etc! No fun! :(

Have a great week!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Shauna

Writing Catch Up

2009-03-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

3/17/09 Topic: Poetry

The Life Boat
by Shauna Berglund Immel

Life is like a Cruise Ship.
Like the Carnival Line.
Exciting and fun.
Sailing over the waters with ease.
Without a care in the world.

Dolphins jump in the wake.
Like a marching band
leading a float in a parade.

Waves break against the bough (bow?)
Turning water into mist
like confetti falling.
Dancing in the salty air
like fairies in flight.

I stand at the helm,
taking in the beauty of the beyond
and pondering the endless possibilities
as far as the eye can see
Like the ocean.
The places I can go.
The things I can see.

I breathe in the scent of the sea
slowly
Savoring the salty aroma

The salt air tickles my face
as we sail head on into the wind.
Full speed ahead.

But the ocean
and Mother Nature,
like life,
are unpredictable.

Clouds move in like shadows
as the solitude of the still blue sky
turns to chaos.

The wind,
once a soft, warm breeze,
picks up speed
and the wet sprinkles on your face,
which once felt like soft kisses
now sting like a swarm of bees.

The seas swell
and the ocean waves,
once like a steady, mesmerizing heartbeat
Slap the side of the ship with force
Tossing it around
like a toy ship at odds
with a raging, swirl of sea.
So small and fragile.

No match for the strenght of the sea,
The ship takes on water
Like the weight of the world.
Beginning to go under.
Sinking deeper into the abyss.

Until all that is left
is but a tiny rowboat
adrift in the storm.

3/10/09 Focus: Voice/Perspective
Prompts:
1. write a scene from "Cinderella" from the Step Mothers perspective
2. Write a scene from "The Three Little Pigs" from the Wolf's perspective.

Miss Step
by Shauna Berglund Immel

She's so pretty and sweet and nice. Why is she so beautiful and my own daugther's are so hideously ugly? It isn't fair. Why can't my daughter's be as pretty as her? I hate her. No one should be so sweet and fetching. It's a crime I tell ya.

Oooooh wait, is that the castle bell I hear? I wonder who it could be?
"Cinderella!
CinderELLA!!
CINDERELLA!!!!!"

Just then a vision of pure innocence and beauty walks into the room. A hush falls over the air.

"Yes Stepmother?"

"Are you deaf child? Can you NOT hear the castle bell? Get the door!"

Fortunately for her, looks is all she seems to have. How stupid can she be?

Ooooh, who's this dashing man, strolling toward me with a scroll in his hand? He looks so royal. I wonder if he's connected to the prince?

I wonder if he has money?"

To Be a Teen
by Shauna Berglund Immel

She's yelling at me again. I wonder what she wants me to do now. She always wants something. I swear that woman never shuts up. I just tune her out. I have this awesome technique of answering her without having to take my eyes off of my video game screen or stop reading my book.

She's always interrupting. Why can't she just leave me alone and let me be in peace? I KNOW I have homework. But I don't know WHY I have to do it BEFORE I can play video games.

Mom is always getting on me about something. Take my room for instance. I don't see anything wrong with it? What's a few wet towels and dirty socks on the floor? Makes it easier for me to get dressed in the morning.

And who cares if I have piles of books stacked everywhere, teetering in towers spilling onto the floor? She says she can't dust or vacuum if my shelves, dressers and floor are covered in piles. Who needs to dust? Who cares if I'm allergic to dust? I don't. Why does she? A little dust never hurt anyone. And I know this because I'm 13 years old and apparently I know everything. That's what people keep saying to mom to console her. Telling her to "Just wait, he'll come back to you when he's 21."

Where do they think I'm going? I'm not going anywhere. I like it here. This is the life; mom feeding me and cleaning up after me. Kind of like my own personal assistant, like Igor.

If only she'd stop yelling at me.

3/3/09 Focus: Imagery

prompts:
1. Describe a sinister teacher skating inside a garage.
2. Describe a giant pumpkin running through the classroom

It looked like one of those big, huge, blow up balloons you see floating in big parades or advertising at car dealerships. It was big and round and orange! Plump, with ridges swelling around it's diameter. On top sprouted green vines, like tendrils falling down across it's face.

It loomed above me and I noticed it's vine like arms and legs as it ran past, disrupting Mr. Peter's algebra class. The class had been quiet as we struggled with today's math quiz, but like the welcome distraction of an unexpected fire drill, the class erupted in screams and cheers as he ran past.

prompts:
1. I want to name myself... (using random words drawn out of a hat)
My words: daisy, patterning, onyx, buckle, enchanting

2. A man wakes up in the Indian Ocean, naked and clinging to a a boat, a hotel key card clenched in his teeth. What happens next???

I've always hated my name. "Shauna" just seemed so unusual growing up. I always wanted to have a more normal name, like all of the other Julie's, Jennifer's and Lisa's in my school. Maybe something more along the lines of "Daisy". Sassy like Daisy Dukes on TV. Daisy just feels so much more feminine, pretty and girlie to me than Shauna does.

Surely people would be more drawn to me like they are to the fresh, sweet scent of the flower itself, dancing happily along the flower beds parrelling the tree lined side walks on a sunny day. Unable to resist my enchanting aroma as they skip happily to school each day, being careful to not step on the cracks for fear of breaking their mother's back.

With a name like "Daisy" one would certainly feel more beautiful. There is just something so simple and poetic about the word. Like the simple joy that a single, round, yellow happy face symbolizes. Surely, if one's name were "Daisy", one would have to be happy and content.

More to come!! I'm soooo far behind!! Sorry!! Some of these are not my best work (the prompts are KILLING me!!!) but there are a few good ones. Enjoy.

xoxoxo
Shauna

Chemo Update and Japan Update

2009-03-16T22:07:00.000-07:00

I met with my oncologist at 8am this morning, so I would have plenty of time to get the Oxcilliplatin put back into my chemo cocktail, all 6 hours of it! However, the doctor didn't have my CA125 blood marker test back yet and she asked how I've been feeling and I told her a lot better! So we decided to hold off on adding the Oxy today and waiting til the CA125 results came in. If they had gone up, I'd be coming back in for the Oxy later in the week. So I started my usual fluids and Avastin (8:30-1:15pm) and took home the 2 weeks worth of Oral chemo, the Zolata. I seem to be handling the Zolata really well and am able to drive and function while taking it without too many bad side effects. So I was relieved to hold off on the Oxy. That's the really agressive cocktail that I did in the beginning, every other Monday for 11 rounds. Had to stop before I got to 12 because I couldn't handle the side effects any more. The naropathy (numbness) in my hands and feet got so bad I could barely walk. With the Oxy came nausea. Diarreah. Constipation. Cold sensitivity (cold trigger = can't eat, drink, touch anything cold for 10 days! Like pins and needles. Throat closing up. Horrible!!!). Plus all of the pre meds (steroids) and pain meds and anti nausea and anti vomiting and anti diarreah and anti constipation really messes with ones sleep patterns etc! The Oxy would knock me out cold for 2-3 days. I'm talking not being able to lift my head from the pillow. It was like having the really bad flu every other week for a whole week. And then I'd start to feel better for a week, and then it was time to do it again! It was soooo draining and hard to keep up! Took so much out of me. I couldn't drive cause of all of the meds. Couldn't function. Couldn't manage family life at all. So you can imagine my relief when I didn't have to do it today as expected because my numbers have steadily been rising!!

My last CA125 after the first round had risen to 147, the highest it's been since diagnosis/surgery in June 06. I had gotten it down to 22 with surgery and chemo. Normal is 35 or less. I got a break and it began to rise again. So they tried the Carbo/taxol (lost all of my hair). Then I went to Reno. I came back from Reno and they started me on Oxy again, because that's the one that seems to work. Of course the chemo from hell is the one that works. Go figure. But then after only a few rounds I had an allergic reaction to it and had to stop it. So then I did the 5FU (pump) and Avastin for awhile, which got really old. She let me have a break over the holidays. Since stopping the oxy though, my numbers just kept going up and up and up.

Well, today I come home to an email from my doc and my CA125 went from 147 to 114 after my 2 cycles of Zolata!!! It's finally turned around and going back down for a change! So I don't have to do the Oxy just yet!!! I have been feeling so much better lately and told her that. I know my body well and I usually am right about things. My body knows! It's still a long ways from normal and 35, but it's at least going down!!! Which just made my day!!!! I soooo didn't want to do the oxy!! I am doing my 6 week CT Scan April 3rd and depending on those results, I may just get out of doing it altogether so far! That would be AWESOME! I HATE OXY!!!! So yeah! Go me!!! All of your thoughts/prayers help, so thank you for holding me in your heartS!!!!!!

Now for Spencer and Japan...

Here's an email I got from one of his teacher's last night, titled "Spencer's Trip So Far":

Hello from Japan! I have a little bit of time and wanted to update you on Spencer's trip so far. We hope to give them all some time when they get back from their hike to Mt. Aso today to email you, but I'll fill you in myself on what I'm seeing so far. Spencer, as always has really been a wonderful, caring addition to this group of travelers. He's being so positive and helpful in all kinds of ways. He regaled us last night at dinner with stories about the monkey park and ways to not look a monkey in the eye. Today all the kids are off to Mt. Aso, which you can see yourselves from google maps. I think he's doing wonderfully overall and really enjoying himself.

One unfortunate event is that the flu bug which was going through Catlin seems to have made its way onto the plane. A few kids have fallen prey, although-knock on wood-Spencer hasn't succumbed. The good news is that it seems to last at the most 48 hours, with only a low to moderate fever, sore throat and a few aches and pains - no runs or vomit. We're trying our best to keep those 3 children who came down with it separated and rested. And the rest, we are making sure to keep well fed with lots and lots of hand washing! We'll be sure to let you know if anything changes for Spencer, but for now rest assured that all the kids are being taken care of and no news is definitely good news. Be sure to take a look at the pictures which Andy will upload soon. They're impressive.
Take Care
Ann

And then Dave came home today to find this informative email from Spencer in his inbox:

Hi?dad, im having a really fun time in japan. say hi to everyone for me.
TELL simba i miss him. bye

Spencer Immel

LOL!! We laughed so hard at the story about the monkey park and about Spencer's email! So he misses the dog!!!! LOL That's my 13 year old boy for you!!! I can't shut my 9 year old girl up, but I can't get my 13 yr old boy to talk at all!!!!

Write Around Portland sent me this:

Hi Shauna -

We finally put up the videos on our website:

http://www.writearound.org/publications/video.html

They are currently on our homepage, too. Thank you so much for doing this!

Robyn

I made it to UTube!!! LOL
Enjoy!
xoxoxo
Shauna

Japan Trip Update #2 and misc.

2009-03-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

I got this email this morning, and was so relieved! I've been so anxious to hear more!!!

Everyone,

Hope all is well. We are now beginning our second full day in Japan. Yesterday, we traveled from Nagoya to Fukuoka, our last long train ride for a while. Once we got to Fukuoka, we visited a shrine, the students' first taste of ancient Japanese architecture. The students spent quite a deal of time there exploring the scenery and sharing paper fortunes with their classmates. After that, we went to Canal City, a huge outdoor shopping mall, where the kids were given a bit of freetime to view a fire juggler and other street performers, shop, and eat a great meal. Some of us went to the Fukuoka Grand Ramen Stadium which took up a whole floor of the mall and contained at least twenty ramen restaurants arranged by the region of ramen they were serving---quite an interesting experience.

Today, we arrived in Beppu, one of the hotsprings capitals of Japan. Today, we visited the 8 Hells, which are essentially huge hot springs and mudpits of various colors, reds, white, blues, and even green. They were spectacular! A few of us also ventured to eat hard-boiled eggs boiled in the hot springs we saw---turned brown from the water...they were perfectly safe and tasted quite good. Other than that, we went to a small zoo where the kids were able to feed elephants and a hippo.

Tomorrow, we will be going to two attractions...the Uminotamago (Ocean Egg) Aquarium, one of the hugest in Japan, and a huge monkey park called Takasaki Saru Koen. This is where we are going to see thousands of Japanese monkeys close up in their "natural" tourist-filled environment. There are no cages, and the monkeys are able to roam free. It is going to be great!!!

Anyways, I am working on collecting the first series of photos from our photo scavenger hunt and hope to upload them soon. We will have internet for a few days, so this should happen quite soon!

Have a wonderful day and will update you soon.

Andy

I can't believe the difference in the energy around the house, minus one kid. The dynamics are so different. It's been really peaceful actually. But I sure miss my little buddy! (don't tell him I said that!!!)

For those of you on Facebook, the following is probably a repeat....

Today we had the American Dance Awards at Parkrose High School. We had to be out there at 8:30am. That is just WRONG on a Sat!! Kaelin performed "Topsy Turvy" with her Elite Acro group.
And then we had a soccer game at Lakeridge High School to run off to, before we realized it had been changed/cancelled! So no game today! Tomorrow (Sun. March 15th) The Red Magic plays at 9:15am at Beaverton High School.

On Friday, it was 4th Grade Music and Poetry Sharing at School. The kids had to dress up, which means, and I quote Kaelin from previous years, "you have to wear a dress, a skirt or fancy pants AND I'M NOT WEARING A DRESS OR SKIRT." However, unlike previous years, she did!! She wore her outfit from last Spring Festival, minus the white low top Converse sneakers because she has grown 3 shoe sizes! LOL We did go out and buy her new "dress up shoes."
She read the poem "Behind the Redwood Curtain" and did a great job! She was a bit nervous because she went FIRST! :)

For those of you who don't know, the Southridge HS girls hoop team, the 4 time defending State Champs, got knocked out on their way to the Final 8 in State when they played #1, Oregon City. So the season ended a bit earlier than hoped.

Monday it's back to the mean, nasty, icky, aggressive chemo with the horrid side effects. Every other Monday schedule. Ugh. Still pretending it's NOT happening. I've been actually feeling really really really good lately compared to usual. I'm talking lately as in last 3 days :)

On a sad note, my heart is breaking for Kaelin's gymnastics coach (since age 4/5), Irina. She has been battling cancer for several years and was doing well for awhile and then as of December, it had spread to her stomach and liver etc. and she began to deteriorate and lose weight etc. She isn't doing well at all and has been placed on hospice. I am having guilt because I haven't been able to bring myself to go see her. Or to take Kaelin. It hits so close to home. I know everyone thinks I should be there for her, to give her strength etc. because I would be the one person to understand. But to be honest, that is precisely the reason I can't face her. I can't bear to see it. I want to remember her how she was, vibrant and radiant, and beautiful and healthy and alive with energy. I don't want to look at her now and see myself. It terrifies me. I don't think I can be strong for her. I'm not strong enough to face her. I know I should. I know it would mean a lot. I just know I can't be strong FOR her. I've seen what this disease does. What it takes. I lose women in my support group all of the time and I have to stay away for awhile because I'm just not strong enough to go and face the group without them. Another confession...Kaelin and I have been missing ALOT of gymnastics lately. A big reason is basketball and soccer and school projects, but one big reason is Irina. It's not the same going to the gym without her there. It feels empty. Sad. Wrong. It's haunting. It hurts. It's just so unfair. I HATE cancer. Sigh.

So my heart and soul is going out to Irina, holding her in my heart with all I have. Hoping she knows we love her and miss her and that she has made a difference in our lives. If only I could face my fears and go see her and tell her in person....

Life is so unfair sometimes.
xoxoxoxo
Shauna

Japan or Bust!

2009-03-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me thank all of you who supported Spencer in this trip through your generous gifts! He/We appreciated it so very much and he will be sending Thank You's upon his return in 2 weeks! Your kindness, thoughtfulness and generosity touched our hearts deeply. We have the best friends!!!!!

We've been busy with trip prep and packing lists and getting him ready to go. It's always so stressful for me to get my kids ready for one of their class trips or field trips, but this topped them all! Getting your 13 year old ready to go to Japan for 2 weeks just about killed me!! Such a relief to know he is gone and has landed safely in Japan and he still has his baggage and his passport in his possession! I can relax now because my part is done. There is nothing I can do for him now!
We dropped him off at PDX (Portland) at 11:30am yesterday to meet up with his 3 teachers and 17 classmates (6th, 7 th, 8th graders from the Middle School Japanese Program at Catlin Gabel). Spencer (8th) has been taking Japanese since he was in 3rd grade. How awesome to be immersed in the culture and to share this experience with his classmates!Ben and Jake, two of his 8th grade buddies, will be hanging with him, hopefully keeping him in check!! (and hopefully reminding him NOT to forget his luggage/passport/train pass etc!)The hardest part was watching him walk away....
There plane left PDX at 2:55pm Wed, March 12th. It arrived in Narita, Japan and then they flew to Nagoya about 3am our time Thurs. morning. Here is the email we got from the teachers:
Everyone,

I wanted to send you out a quick email telling you that we have arrived at our hotel. The flights were fairly long but the kids were happy with the movies on the plane, and immigration/customs took a whole 15 minutes...not bad for 20 people. We are now in Nagoya for one night and will be going down to Fukuoka via bullet train tomorrow, where we will begin all of the fun activities we have planned such as the photo-scavenger hunt,and many others.... No bags lost, no passports lost, (knock on wood), so a very good travel day.

By the way, your kids are awesome!!! Not only are they excited, but they have followed instructions excellently, considering that we are all tired. I will email you all again when I can with links to the picture/video gallery as soon as we have pictures.

Thanks!
Andy

It's really nice to know that my son listens to someone and follows instructions when given by someone else! LOL

On their agenda today:

Fukuoka: scavenger hunt will take them to Dazaifu Tenmongu (Temmongu Shrine, Koymyouzen-Ji, Kyushu Museum), Ohori Park, Fukuoka Castle, Hawk's Town,
Tenjin, Canal City, (Sega-Land?) Fukuoka Museum. They will have dinner in Tenjin or Canal Citym walk around and experience city-life. After dinner they will debrief, upload photos and have an early night. They may go see a pre-season professional baseball game!

Exciting huh???

I will share the link to their blog when I get it and I will keep you updated as I hear. We are not allowed to be in contact with our children individually. Only through the teacher, because they want them immersed in the culture! What a great experience! I am so excited for him!

And I hate to say this, but I miss him already????

I have so much to catch you all up on! Our trip to Seaside for the Hoop tourney etc!

My nasty chemo starts on Monday. Blech. Pretending that's not happening.

For any of you relatives/friends that are interested, there are some spectating opportunities this weekend!

Kaelin performs her "Topsy Turvy" Elite Acro Routine on SAt. March 14 at 9:30am at Parkrose High School.

Classic soccer games to watch:
12pm Sat. @ Lake Ridge High School
9:15am Sun. @ Beaverton High School

Have a great week!!!
xoxoxox
Shauna

25 Random Things About Shauna You Didn't (Want to?) Know

2009-02-27T14:57:00.001-08:00

The 25 things you didn't know about me are....

1. I once had a gun pulled on me.

It happened in college while at UCLA. My then boyfriend and I were driving around Westwood looking for a certain restaurant where we were meeting people. We were coming up to a light, but noticed the parking lot was before the light, so at the last minute we turned left without a blinker. While getting out of our car, the car behind us screeches to a halt at the curb, this big guy gets out, opens his trunk and pulls out a gun and points it at us and starts screaming profanities! My then boyfriend starts apologizing while the gunman's friend gets out of the passenger side and is yelling at him to put it away and we ran into the restaurant as fast as we could and called the police! They never found them. Talk about road rage.

2. I was once an unwilling passenger in a car involved in a high speed chase.

The driver ended up going to jail. We had to spend the night sleeping on the grass in a park in Yakima until he was released the next day. I have never been so scared in my life. Had I known this person was the driver before my plans with my friend were made to go to the Tri Cities to watch the Hydroplane races, I would have chosen NOT to go on this particular road trip. And obviously, my instincts would have been right.

3. I have been punched in the face by a guy. (I'm starting to sound like a real hoodlam aren't I? LOL I'm sooo not! That's why this is all so RANDOM.)

When I was in 8th or 9th grade, and my little brother, who was in 4th/5th grade, was beat up by a boy who lived down the street from us in Kent on Lake Meridian. I can't remember his name now. He had sat on my brother and covered his mouth and nose so he couldn't breath. I was so mad at this boy, that I began to torment him at school by calling him names whenever I saw him. One day he said to me, "If you call me one more name, I'm going to have to hit you." I then said "@!&%$" and he punched me square in the face and kept coming at me. He had me up against the lockers and people had to pull him off of me. We both got sent to the principals office. He got suspended and I got lunch duty and maybe afterschool service for "provoking it" and for "bringing stuff that happened at home, to school." You would have had to have known me in Middle School to really appreciate this. I NEVER got in trouble. I was very quiet and shy and the total teacher's pet type. I followed all of the rules. All of the time. I got straight A's. After this happened, this boy got beat up a lot for hitting a girl. I'm sorry that my friend Mike got suspended for beating him up but I will never forget him standing up for me like that. Thanks Mike!!!! :)

4. I know for a fact that it is way more important to have eyelashes and eyebrows than it is to have hair on your head.

5. If I could have one superpower, it would be time travel or to be able to see into the future.

This would allow me to see how my children turn out. To see them become teens, play sports, become adults, graduate, go to college, marry, have kids, etc. I would give anything for this. I would sell my soul to have this gift.

6. I was a NCAA athlete while at UCLA.

I rowed crew on the women's varsity lighweight crew team. We rowed 4's and 8's. Practice was at 5am sharp every morning in Marina Del Ray!!! Best shape of my life. EVER.

7. My first choice of colleges was University of Texas, but I didn't get in. So I had to go with my second choice. UCLA. Worked out well for me. :) Things usually work out the way they are supposed to.

8.My husband Dave was my 2nd choice too and I never let him forget that! LOL Those of you that know me, know that Troy Aikman was my #1 choice! ;) I'm still never washing my hand!!!!!!! LOL

9. While at UCLA, I was named ASUCLA Employee of the Year and received a cash reward.

I ran the little cafe in the John Anderson Graduate School of Business and hired all of my friends!!! Worked there through college, usually the 7am shift!

10. I'VE never broken a bone in my body, but have had several extensive surgeries Oh, except my jaw (and no, it wasn't from #3)

When I was 2? I was biting on a shopping cart and MY MOM went to pick me up and I was still biting. Broke my jaw. At least that's the story she tells and she hates that story to this day. (Sorry mom)11. In my high school senior polls, I was voted "Best Legs" and "Most Talented."

11. In my high school senior polls, I was voted "Best Legs" and "Most Talented."

A the time, I was a bit disappointed I didn't get "Best Body" or "Most Popular" or "Best Hair" or "Most Wanted to be Stranded on a Desert Isle With" (you know ,the important things when you are 18), but now, looking back. I'm REALLY happy with these! Especially since I had a 4" scar and spent most of my senior year with one leg in a full legged cast from ACL reconstruction! :)

12. My very first car was a 1968 Blue/purplish Porsche 912.

I loved that car. My grandmother loaned me the money after I graduated from high school in 1984 but then wouldn't let me pay her back. I left it at home when I went to UCLA and my dad had the engine rebuilt for my college graduation present. I loved that car. Did I say that already?? I had to sell it when I was pregnant with my son, Spencer in 1995. The first vanity plate read "Gremlin" and the 2nd and last one read "Brewin" as in UCLA. :)

13. I had a crush on my husband Dave when he played basketball for UCLA and promised I'd marry him one day.

I lived with 2 boys and another girl for the first few years while at UCLA. I announced "I'm going to marry Dave Immel" to them on several occasions, even though I had never met him in person and wouldn't until just before I graduated in 1990, 2 years AFTER he graduated in 1988. (Andy, that's a true story isn't it? Remember me promising you guys I'd marry him, and I did????)

14. I'm an all or nothing kind of person and a perfectionist.

If I can't do something, or if I can't do something the way I want it done, in it's entirity, I won't even start it. And my 9 year old daughter is exactly the same.

15. I've always been very shy and insecure. I have never had a lot of outward confidence. (see #14). Nor have I been one to crave the center of the attention in a crowded room. I prefer to sit back and observe. Sometimes I may come off as "standoffish" because of it. Again, my 9 yr. old daughter takes after me. Although I believe she is pretty comfy in her skin and very secure with WHO she is, what she likes etc. Me, not so much. But I'm learning from her.

16. I didn't have a TV growing up.

I think the last time we had a TV was when we lived in Canoga Park, CA and I was in 5th grade. We moved to Hawaii and didn't bring it with us. I didn't have a TV again until I graduated from college and moved in with Dave in 1990. I used to spend a lot of time at the library reading and I did a lot of drawing. Played outside a lot too, on top of sports. Used to get my school work done and would go to bed around 8ish unless there was a game or party in High School.

17. I always wanted more than 2 kids.

I've actually been pregnant 5 times in all. I guess life works out the way it's supposed to. Had I had any of those babies before Kaelin, I probably wouldn't have had Kaelin. And I can't imagine life without Kaelin.

18. I'm only 5'5 3/4" but was a middle blocker/hitter in volleyball and I had the high jump record at my high school for many years.

I also was part of the 800 meter relay team that held the school record and placed at state when I was a junior. I didn't get to run track my senior year in high school as I had my knee reconstructed. I used to run 100 and 300 meter hurdles, run the 400 and some relays, and also the high jump. I'm sure both of my records are broken by now though. I had "hops". Kaelin is going to be the same way, fast and springy, but she's going to be tall!!! Lucky girl!

19. I always wanted to be tall.

I would have loved to have been a 6 footer. I've also always been attracted to tall men and I find tall women breathtaking. If only!

20. I was only allowed to have sugar cereal on the weekends when I was a child.

My mom called it "weekend cereal." I have to say I've adopted this practice with my kids as well, but there are very very few weekends I actually buy "weekend cereal." It's more like "Holiday Cereal." LOL But I love me some Captain Crunch!

21. I have probably kept in touch with everyone I've ever met.

And once you are in my address book, you are on my Christmas card list forever. If cards come back without a forwarding address, or as undeliverable, I then send them to your parents house, which I still have the address from when you lived with them in elementary, jr and senior high and college. If they come back after that, I actually get very excited to cross them off of my list and remove them from my address book! One less card to address! I am very sad though that my best friend from 3rd grade is lost to me now. Her fault. :( If anyone knows Stacey Miller Steed from Canoga Park, CA and then Midlothian, TX, tell her to get in touch with me! She knows where to find me! I've lived in the same house since 1995!

22. I live in the first and only house we've ever bought as a couple.

I plan on living here as long as I can so that my children can grow up in one place. I moved around a lot as a child, went to many schools, and still long for those young friendships, like the ones my brother has with his 4th grade buddies still. I know growing up, I went to preschool in Sunnyvale, CA and Kindergarten in Bakersfield, CA and 2nd grade in Huntington Beach, CA and 3rd - 5th grade in Canoga Park, CA and 6-7 grade in Kailua, Hawaii and 8th - 12th grade in Kent, WA. But I have many many close and great friends from Kent and my best friend from 3rd grade was actually my matron of honor in my wedding in 1990.

23. If you were to look at me, you would NEVER know I've been battling Stage 4 cancer for the last 2.5 years.

You would just assume that I am fat and don't exercise or color my hair. I wear it very well and I don't lose very many steps in my life. I have a high pain tolerance and I am a very strong, determined person. However, if you were to see the inside of my house or my garage, (which you won't if I can help it!) you would know something was seriously wrong with me. I am usually a total neat freak, very organized, and on top of most things with everything in it's place. My house is total chaos. I can't keep up. With the cleaning or the organizing and my mom now lives in my spare room and my dining room is now our office and everything from my spare room has been sitting in my living room for the past 2.5 years, growing. It sickens me. It drives me crazy. I hate it. It overwhelms me. And I am so tired from doing all of the kid things that I don't want to miss. And going on playdates to escape and distract me. So it sits and sits and waits and waits. It would have been gone long ago if I was the same person I was 2.5 years ago. I can't do everything anymore. I have to use my energy sparingly and wisely and I choose to use it to watch my kids play their sports and do those sorts of things. Which is A LOT! I am embarrassed and ashamed of the state of my house. But like I've said before, I am an all or nothing kind of person. I don't have my all to give it so I don't start. It's too big of a job. It's all I can do to keep up with the laundry, grocery shopping and cooking, which isn't saying much as my mom helps me out so much. So if you happen to see the state of my house, please try not to "judge" me. I'm doing the best I can.

24. I graduated from UCLA with a BA in Art, but then went back to school (took night classes at UW) to become a physical therapist and then changed my mind again and went to Seattle Pacific University to become an elementary school teacher, specializing in art and children's literature.

I was one quarter (just my student teaching portion) away from graduating from SPU with my teaching certificate when I had Spencer in spring of 95. And then we moved to Portland and I never finished. Things have a way of working out as they should, because after having kids, I never wanted to teach!! I worked in a physical therapy clinic for about 5 years total as a PT Aide and Dave and I were live in caretakers for a quadrapelegic man for 3 years while going to school at SPU etc. After living with him, that kind of steered me away from wanting to be a PT. A great experience though and met some wonderful people and enjoyed our time there with him. Moved out when I was about to have Spencer.
AFter we moved to Oregon, I worked in a Physical therapy clinic and then I ran the cafe at The Hoop. I finally got my dream job as an in house designer for Hot Off the Press right after Kaelin was born, being able to use my Art Degree! I worked there for 9 years before they let me go due to my not being able to work full time because of my chemo schedule. I miss it every day. I loved that job.

25. I have a friend who won 3.2 million dollars in the Washington Lottery.

He's a fellow UCLA Bruin. He was a Sigma Chi and gradated before I did. His parents had moved to Kent while he was still at UCLA. So he was living with them after he graduated and working Graveyard at some factory. He and I were friends, although if he had his way, we would have been a lot more than that. He just wasn't my type. Anyways, he spent $40 on lottery tickets. He called me one evening and asked
"what are you doing right now?"
I said "watching tv."
he said "turn it to channel 7."
"why?"
"you'll see"
So I tuned in just in time to see them handing him that big giant check for 3.2 million dollars. He and another woman had split the 6.4 million jackpot.
I'll never forget going to Longacres horse racetrack with him for a day of fun. He hit some big jackpot there too. I couldn't believe his luck. Changed his life.

CA125 and chemo/cancer update

2009-02-26T14:24:00.001-08:00

Once again, I must apologize for staying away so long! Eeeek! I want to blame it all on my Facebook addiction, but I can't! My blog time is usually late at night after I get the kids to bed. Well, to tell you the truth, I have been soooooo tired lately that I've been going to bed when they do, and sometimes even before they do! SO I'm not getting my time in to write at night. So please accept my apologies! Once again, I'm going to promise to do better. You might have to be a little patient or send me emails to "nudge" me!

Went to the oncologist on Monday and met with my old oncologist who retired in April and had been with me from the beginning. I had my filmmaker following me around (he's doing a documentary, following me outside of my Write Around Portland life) and I knew something was up when the doctor asked him to leave the room. He didn't think this time was a good time to film since we had some "important, sensitive, juicy" stuff to talk about and we really needed to focus.

My CA125, is up again from 134 3 weeks ago to 147. Normal is 35 or below. The lowest I got it after surgery and chemo in the beginning was 22. The highest it's been, was before my surgery and chemo at 174. So 147 for me is high, whereas most doctors wouldn't be alarmed until it was in the 1,000's. For me, nothing is normal or usual. I've always been way out of the norm. Everything about my cancer and this stupid journey has been odd.

So obviously, the oral chemo, Zoloda is not working. I had the holidays off of chemo and my numbers were slowly creeping up. After the holidays I started on Zoloda and infused with Avastin every 3 weeks. The Zoloda is an oral chemo, I take 4 every night and 3 each morning with meals for 2 weeks straight. Then I have a week off and I start again. The biggest side effects that I've experienced have been fatigue and an underlying nausea. But I can still function on a daily basis and drive and live my life, just a little more tired and running late for most things! LOL

Unfortunately, we need to decide now whether I go back to the Oxcilliplatin, that was part of the FOLFOX chemo cocktail I was receiving before. It's what we started with back in August of 06. It's a very very aggressive chemo. It's every other week. It has the most intense side effects. Not pleasant at all. I need to take a lot of meds to get through it and I am pretty much down for a week, and out of commission completely for 2 days. I'm talking not even able to lift my head from the pillow. It's so hard to function and live my life like that. And it's hard on my family. I did 11/12 rounds of it the first cycle, as the naropathy (numbness in hands/feet got so bad I had to stop) and then I got through several rounds of the oxcilliplatin last spring before I had an adverse reaction to it and they had to stop. I had developed an intolerance/allergy to it. Now why would they willingly give it to me if they know for a fact that I have an allergy to it??? That scares me. Because of this, they will have to give me a lot of premeds beforehand. And they will have to infuse it over a 6 hour period of time. EVERY OTHER week. This regimine is so hard to keep up with!!!! Ugh. It's so old. And it's so hard. And I so hate it. I HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT.

We needed to decide on Monday if we were going to switch to this. I had a little chest cold starting and we had run out of time (need 6 hours), so I opted to do one more cycle of the Zoloda and then in 3 weeks switch to the Oxcilliplatin so I can schedule our lives around it. By then hoop season will be over and Dave will be able to drive the kids at night/afternoon I hope. We may have to hit some of you folks up for carpooling/rides as I will pretty much be out of commission every other week. :(

This CA125 is the only indicator we've ever had (sort of) to follow my sneaky, stealthy cancer. It doesn't show up on PET scans. It doesn't show up on CT scans. It's very mysterious and devious. So the rise in the number is the only thing we have to go by, and the fact that I have been not feeling well, have had some pain and have been VERY tired.

That's my update on my health. Wish it was better news.

On a happier note....Spencer leaves for Japan on March 11 and thanks to so many wonderful people and their donations, he is able to go and has spending money covered!! We are so grateful to you all!

I am still on target to go to the Gallapagos in May. I will get this cancer under control again and go get my passport!

The Southridge Skyhawks girls won their first round playoff game and play at Oregon City Friday night at 715pm. The winner of that bloodbath between two of the state's powerhouses, will go to the State Tourney the following weekend.

I promise to add some photos and writings from recent weeks soon! xoxoxoxo

Weekend Wrap Up

2009-02-15T16:48:00.000-08:00

Elite Acro 3 Dance Comp at Parkrose HS
Saturday Kaelin's Elite Acro group performed their "Topsy Turvy" (Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame). They are clowns/jesters and do a bunch of team tricks and tumbling.Kaelin and her buddy Alaina before her "Quick Change" into a clown/jester!

One of Kaelin's signature poses. Flexible you think???

Valentine's Day
Dave spent the day in Forest Grove at the Hoop Tourney while we were at the dance comp at Parkrose High School. My mom had to work and Spencer spent the day playing video games. Dave had to work the SRHS Hoop tourney that night, but we all got spoiled with goodies inbetween. Gotta love the handmade cards...
Here's our loot!
This beautiful bouquet was from my UCLA college friend Joni, from Southern Cal...She said I was probably "the sweetest person she'll ever meet." :)
My mom put together these really cute tins of chocolates! They are loose tea tins!

We finished up our weekend in Forest Grove with two games on Sunday in the 5th/6th grade Hoop Tourney. Dave coached Kaelin's team to a 45-23 win and they took home the trophy! Kaelin played some great defense! They look better every game! Look out for The Sting! Bbzzzzzz

Friday night SRHS girls beat Sunset, but lost to Jesuit earlier in the week, so they will get the #2 seed into the tourney and have to play Oregon City @ Oregon City. This is their last week of league games.

We've been having really really rotten luck lately between troubles with all of our cars and our water main breaking last week! Dave and his step dad had to go out the day it snowed/rained and dig up the pipes before calling a plumber to fix it. The city won't take down the tree who's roots keep growing into it. This is the 2nd time it happened. Here are a few photos of the nightmare. Poor Dave is stressed and run down and not feeling well at all. It's just one thing after another around here. I would imagine he feels like he's drowning at times. I feel terrible for him and somewhat responsible for the situation because of my health and all that brings with it. :( So if you see him, just take a moment to say hey and check in with him. Maybe give him a pat on the back, a hug or a handshake. It's all catching up to him.

I have so much more to update on the last few weeks, but I don't want to overwhelm myself or you guys! I promise to keep up better!!! Thanks for reading!!

xoxoxo
Shauna

Write On!

2009-02-13T11:41:00.000-08:00

Tuesday I started another Writing Workshop put on by Write Around Portland called "Write On". It's for continuing writers who have done at least 2 Write Around Workshops before. It's a 10 week workshop. They had limited space so they used a lottery format to select the participants this time. I was one of the lucky ones chosen!

I really enjoy and look forward to these workshops. They give me an appt. and a time and place to write. Writing allows me to take my fears and insecurities and anxieties and put them down on paper, to get them out of my head. To give cancer, which I cannot see, a face and place to battle it on paper.

The following are the two pieces from the first workshop on 2/10/09.

1. Writing prompt given: Describe your morning in the 3rd person. (5 minute write)

The alarm went off at 5am and she awoke with a start and nudged her husband to turn it off. She didn't have to get up for at least 2 more hours. Then she drifted back to sleep, only to be awakened again 3o minutes later. She nudged her slumbering husband again, a little harder this time. He rolled over and reset the alarm. She asked him "don't you have to get up?" and he answers "I don't have to get up until late today, the early morning session isn't going". The half asleep woman, who had just been pulled out of her dreams twice now for no good reason, snapped back "then why does the alarm keep going off?" The husband mumbles "sorry" as he rolls over and easily drifts back to sleep as always and the woman lays there wide awake."

2. You awaken with amnesia in what appears to be an igloo. You have $4 and a rock in one pocket and a toothbrush in the other. Someone is staring at you. Write this scene. (10 minute write).

I chose to not use the prompt and use something that I had been pondering in my head since my support group started the discussion on "Living in Limbo."

The Ledge
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I'm on a ledge. Scaling the side of a cliff.
Like a tight rope.
It's a long way down.
So far down I'm afraid to look.
I'm afraid of heights
But I can't help but sneak a glance.
Darkness as far as my eye can see.

Above me, out of my reach, is flat ground.
And light.
The summit.
But between me and the summit
lies a vertical wall of sheer jagged rock.
And I must scale the face of this mountain to reach it.
Without the safety of climbing equiptment.
With just my bare hands.

It's a long ways up.
I've climbed this mountain before. I know this path well.
I've almost made it to the summit on several occasions.
Where one feels safe, warm, secure and protected.
But I lost hold and slid back down to this ledge.
Where I have been clinging to with all that I have ever since.

My hands, covered in callouses, are tiring from gripping so hard.
My fingers ache, exhausted from the brute strength it takes.
My nails are bleeding from clawing my way up the steep bluff.
It's getting harder and harder to pull myself up and onto this ledge.
This place, this limbo, that hovers between life and death.
Where I sit and try to regain my strength to attempt another climb.
Wondering if it would just be easier to throw myself off of the cliff
Into the dark abyss.

Thanks for reading.
xoxoxo
Shauna

She's Back.....and it's not pretty!

2009-02-12T16:33:00.000-08:00

The latest from my oncologist:

Hi Shauna, the CA 125 is up again, it is up to 134. Keep in mind that was the result from 2/2/09, and so you had only 1 cycle of the xeloda and avastin at that point, which is not enough to know if it is working yet. So this next number will tell us more. However if it is still rising, I do think it will need to be considered to add the oxaliplatin back into the chemotherapy regimen again as we had previously discussed. Because of your previous allergy, we will need to give this slowly, over 6 hours, and we will give you medications to prevent allergic reaction. I see that you will see Dr. Leimert again on 2/23. I will ask the nurses to tentatively plan that we will give you the oxaliplatin that day, in case that is what you and Dr. Leimert decide to do.

But again, please do not get discouraged yet as that value was from 2/2/09 and we may see it going down with the next blood draw. In order for Dr. Leimert to have the results on 2/23/09, please have the CA 125 drawn by the lab by Wednesday 2/18/09.

I am happy to talk further with you also.

JL

Normal is 35 or below. I'm not surprised since I haven't been feeling great. I knew something was wrong. I got a chemo break for the holidays, and have not been feeling right since around Thanksgiving. I think that my numbers have been rising steadily since stopping the Oxcilliplatin. So I think that's what we have to throw back in. That's a brutal one and kicks my @$$. Sigh. I just can't seem to get the upper hand on this stupid beast. I HATE cancer!!!!!

I promise to get back into blogging. I have so much to catch you up on. I started a new writing workshop and have some writing to post. I have to run to soccer and gymnastics though, so will have to wait.

Thanks again for all of the love and support!!

xoxoxo
Shauna

Wow. Who knew???

2009-01-30T12:56:00.000-08:00

I just had to share this little tidbit.

I love reading Amy's blog. I don't know Amy, but I feel like we are friends because she shares so much of her life with us via her blog. She has so many of the same interests, whether it be scrapbooking or Twilight. I have her to thank for the Crashed Potatoes that my family now loves! Anyways, I want to be like Amy when I grow up :)

I was honored that she acknowledged me and my "stalking" of her on her blog. Just had to share.
Check it out!!!

xoxoxo

Reading tonight

2009-01-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

The Write Around Portland Anthology Reading and Release party is tonight for anyone that is interested in attending.

Friday, Jan. 30th
630-830pm
The First United Methodist Church
1838 SW Jefferson
@ the Goose Hollow Trimet Max stop

This is rescheduled from when we were snowed in.

I promise to update my blog this weekend! I'm still trying to get caught up from my time away! I had the best birthday week ever and appreciate all of the cards, calls, emails, posts, gifts and love!!! thank you!!!!

xoxoxo
Shauna

In the City by the Bay (San Fran Day 1)

2009-01-23T12:39:00.001-08:00

So to continue my 43rd Birthday festivities, and stretch out my birthday to a whole week, my best UCLA college friends and I planned a reunion for this weekend in San Francisco, the City by the Bay. I wasn't sure how I would feel or if I'd be able to go. It depended on my new Chemo side effects, which was unknown at the time. I'm handling the chemo really well so far. Biggest complaint is the numbness in my hands and feet and the fatigure.

So, I packed up and I Flew into San Francisco last night. Sheila flew down to Portland from Seattle so she could fly with me. Phil flew in from Maryland about the same time and we took a cab to the Palace Hotel. We unloaded our luggage and then went next door to Koyoya for Sushi.

And then we went to the hotel bar, The Pied Piper at The Maxfields and we talked about old times some more. It's fun how each person remembers different things.

We're waiting for Rachel (from DC) to arrive at the hotel now. Phil has a business meeting and dinner today. Joni (southern cal) arrives about 330pm.

Here are some photos from last night, day 1 of our adventure:

Phil and Sheila hanging out at the Pied Piper Bar in the Palace Hotel.
The 3 of us after arriving, getting dinner at Koyoya, a Japanese restaurant.

Phil and his California Roll dish.

I got the vegetarian rolls.

Sheila got the Sushi "Celebration" and boy, did it look like something to celebrate!!

Sheila and her Celebration rolls.

I'll try and keep you updated over the weekend as best I can!!! xoxoxox Shauna

Off to San Fran!!!

2009-01-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

I will bring my laptop and try and post photos and blog whilst I'm away! I have some catching up to do and need to share my bday festivities with you all!

My friend is putting us all up in the Palace Hotel. It looks amazing!!! Some of you can still reach me by text and phone if needed!!

Love ya!!!
xoxoxox

Playing Catch Up and Guilty Pleasures

2009-01-19T15:27:00.000-08:00

So I am feeling guilty for neglecting my blog lately for Facebook. I'm going to try very hard to check in daily or at least more than I have lately. Some of you may need to give me nudge or a POKE on Facebook to remind me to check in here on my blog so I can keep everyone up to date on my treatment etc.

I tend to be just "Shauna" on Facebook, and here on my blog, "Shauna with Cancer". My counselor and I discussed this whole guilty pleasure thing. It's an escape. A distraction. It's also a pain killer for me. Cancer has robbed me of so much of myself. Especially who I was and what I look like. Also memories. My memory isn't what it used to be thanks to Chemo Brain and surgical menopause. Reconnecting with so many friends from my past, from all phases of my life, gives me some of myself back. Through stories. Photos. It's like I'm rediscovering little pieces of myself here and there. I am in that phase right now where people and relationships are so important to me. Connecting with people makes me feel so alive. It is like a drug to me. I crave it. It dulls the pain. Anything to shut up the voices in my head and dull the pain has to be good, right?

I am on week 2 of my new Chemo regimen. I've been doing an oral chemo in the form of pills, 2x a day with food, 12 hours apart. I've experienced numbness in my hands and feet and some nausea, but mostly fatigue. So far so good. I've survived a whole week without too much trouble, but week 2 is supposed to be the hard week. We'll see how that plays out.

Tomorrow is my 43rd Birthday. There was a period of time there that I wasn't sure I'd even live to see 43. So I do not mind getting older at all. In fact, I like it. It means that I lived another year and had another year to love my friends and family and see my kids grow. I will celebrate each and every birthday like it was my Sweet 16, 18th or 21st. And I will look back and be grateful and thankful for another leg of my journey. My birthday just so happens to be on the inauguration of the new president, so everyone will be celebrating my birthday across the nation!! :) It is one for the making of history, that's for sure.

Let's see, what's been going on in our little world??

Dave: Southridge HS girls continue to win and are ranked #3 in state. He'll be celebrating my birthday with a game at home vs Westview tomorrow! Dave is also starting up a room with his Rockwell Day Trading tomorrow. He's really excited about that. You'll have to ask him what that means/entails though!

Spencer: Is being a typical teenage boy. His voice is starting to deepen and he's growing out of all of his clothes! He looks like he's wearing his 9 year old sister's clothes half the time! He's about 1/4 - 1/2 inch away from looking me in the eye. Yikes. He's still doing Tien Tae Jitsu Martial ARts and is getting ready to test for his Green belt. He spent his Saturday at a Bat Mitzvah and is very proud of himself for winning the dance contest by busting out his "Inch Worm". He also happened to be the last male standing in the Limbo contest. Which says a lot! lol

Kaelin: Is now juggling 4 sports at once. Not sure how we're going to pull this off. 3 of the sports are year round. She's doing hoops on a 5th grade team her dad coaches. The Sting. It's basically her soccer team using their hands and a basketball ball. Her entire soccer team went Classic, coach and all. So that has started again now that Indoor soccer is over and is year round. She's still doing Rhythmic Gymnastics and Acrobatics year round too. That's an awful lot for a 9 year old to juggle! I wish she wasn't so good at everything! If she had her choice, gymnastics would be the first to go. She missed competing last year due to a broken hand, and this year we weren't able to afford the meet fees and traveling, so she's just training. But she looks really good and is just gorgeous and elegant and graceful out there. Powerful jumper too. I love to watch her. I hate that we have to start specializing and choosing sports at such a young age. It doesn't help that she is playing above her age level, so it's more competitive and time consuming. I feel like I'm getting a lifetime of memories in through the process, but I know she can feel overscheduled at times. She really enjoyed the snowed in days. or weeks. LOL

Shauna: I'm really not doing much lately. Except Facebook! LOL I feel like I am behind in everything. I can't seem to get any energy going. Or motivation. I just have no get up and go. Seems we're late to everything because of me. I am avoiding everything. Putting it off. And I really can't do that. I don't have the time! I'm in a slump. It doesn't help with that underlying nausea etc. It really takes a lot out of you. I just can't even get started with anything. I am so overwhelmed.

I am scheduled to fly out with my friend Sheila on Thursday to San Francisco using her buddy pass. 3 of my best friends from UCLA are meeting us there! It will be the first time we've all been together since my wedding, July 30th, 1995. I hope I feel ok to travel and that I am able to go. I'm not getting too excited and I'm trying not to look forward to it so I don't get disappointed. I'm sure there are a lot of things I should be doing to get ready, but I just don't even want to start. I've got no fire in me left!!! Hate that. In the past, I'd have lists made, schedules organized, child care arranged. I've done NOTHING. How can I leave on Thursday??? Some one give me a swift kick in the rear please!!! It's really sad.

Ok, so now my blog entry has turned into a woe is me post. Didn't intend for that to happen. Think I'll go jump over to Facebook where I can get lost in playing the puzzles and games and talking about old times! LOL HOpefully I will have more exciting things to report soon!

xoxoxoxo
Shauna

A New Year, a New Chemo. Same Old Stupid Cancer...

2009-01-13T22:43:00.000-08:00

I met with my oncologist on Monday. My husband and 1st year OHSU medical student (I'm a patient teacher for a class called "Living with Life Threatening Disease") accompanied me. With my CA 125 going up again (it's at 81, normal is 35 or below) , CT scan showing increased fluid in my abdomen (most likely cancer cells), and the fact that my history shows that I can't be off of chemo very long because the cancer always comes back, indicated we'd be starting chemo again.

We discussed many options and have decided to stay with the same regimin, but instead of the 5FU in the pump intraveniously over 3 days every other week, we are going to try a new routine and have me take the oral form, called Zolota. Instead of infusing every other week over a 3 day period, it will be taken 2x a day (3 pills each morning, 4 each night with a meal) over the course of 2 weeks. I will have one week to recover and start again. I will continue with my Avastin, which is given intraveniously in the chemo suite every 3rd Monday, in addition to fluids (Saline) since I am so dehydrated due to the pressure of the fluid in my abdomen (it's so uncomfortable in there to eat or drink! Too crowded! I'm really winded too because it's taking up lung space. And it feels like sandbags on me if I try and sleep on my back).

Even though it is an oral form of a drug I've previously had, it has different side effects. It's given in smaller doses over a longer period of time. It has to go through my digestive system and can be very hard on the stomach lining. It may cause nausea, vomiting, diarreah, mouth/gums/lips/stomach lining sores, hand/foot syndrome (naropathy/numbness + sensitivity/redness/cracking of skin on hands and feet). With the intravenious 5FU, I usually felt really bad days 4-5, but then felt ok to go about my business. With this oral form, I may feel nauseous over a longer period. It will get stretched out.

So far it's day 2 and I was really tired (but I haven't been sleeping, so don't know if that is due to the chemo or the lack of sleep). I slept on and off today until 3pm! I've been mildly nauseous. I do notice numbness in my fingers and feet. I'm not sure I'm going to like this better than being hooked up to a pump for 3 days. At least I know with that, I can handle the side effects. This increase in numbness in my hands is effecting my typing and texting (heaven forbid!!) and the foot thing is getting annoying. It's constant buzzing. I'm not liking it!! And I'm terrible at taking pills. Plus, I have to space them 12 hours apart, which means I have to get up at a certain time to eat, and if I'm asleep I want to stay that way!

I did find out that my first oncologist, who retired in April, is back filling in because they are so busy!! I was excited to hear that, since he knows my history and has been with me since Day 1. My new doc is out of the office next time I go in Feb. 2nd, so I'm going to reconnect with my retired doc!! It will be like getting a second opinion in a way, and validating what we are doing. I value his opinion and he was head of oncology before retiring, so I'm not the only one who values it. So that's good news.

I'm not going to ramble on any more about cancer and chemo. I just am sick of the whole ordeal.

Let's see what else have we been up to?

Kaelin's holiday program at school, Revels, was postponed due to snow, and was rescheduled for last week. Here's a few photos:

Dave coached Kaelin's 5th grade Hoop team, The Sting, to 2nd place in the Canby Basketball Tourney.

My beach trip to Pacific City with Loni, Paris and Sam, scheduled for last weekend was cancelled due to the rain and Highway 101 and I-5 being closed. :(

My trip to San Francisco next weekend with my UCLA college buddies is still up in the air depending on how I handle the chemo side effects. I am flying standby (my friend Sheila is a pilot for Horizon and I'm using a buddy pass and we're flying togehter).

I was invited to go to the Galapagos Islands for 9 days in May for a photography trip. World reknown photographers will be there helping us set up and take shots and critiquing them. We will be staying on a boat and traveling around to the different islands. A friend's husband pulled out of the trip and she wants me to take his place. It's already paid for. How can I pass that up?? It's so hard for me to plan anything though. Who knows what my health will be like. How I'll feel. I asked my oncologist about it and she said that she would help me make it happen. That 4 months would have gone by on chemo by then. Hopefully we'll get the CA125 down and the fluid reduced by then. I'm at risk for blood clots from sitting for long periods, like on long flights. The doc said there is an injection I can give myself an hour before the long flight to thin my blood. And I'll be traveling with a doctor. I should be in good hands. I can't even dream that big. It was so big I didn't even dare put that on my bucket list. How crazy is that?? What an adventure that would be.

Spencer is going to Japan with his Japanese class in March for 12 days. We need to do a fundraiser for it because I'm really not sure how we're going to swing it financially. It seems we've had the worst luck lately with the dryer dying, and having to repair all 3 of the cars around here. My jeep is in the shop for like the 3rd time. When it rains it pours. I'm really tired of getting rained on. So if anyone has any good suggestions for fundraisers Spencer can do on his own, send them my way. If anyone needs a 13 year old boy for hire, give me a hollar. He's really good at video games, the computer, soccer, entertaining children and reading. LOL Oh, and he has good phone manners.

Thank you to everyone for their Holiday cards (hopefully ours will go out in the spring!) and gifts from near and far. We appreciated them all. And we love you all with all our hearts. xoxoxo

To those of you whom I owe emails (LeNae, if you're reading this, that means you girlfriend!!!), please be patient with me. I get so frustrated with my email, as I'm still having problems and it kicks me out and it's so frustrating trying to answer them! It's darn near impossible! Better to text me if you have texting, or find me on Facebook and leave a message! You can find me under Shauna Berglund Immel. I apologize for my lack of communication in that medium these days. It's just so frustrating for me!!!!

Loves to all!!!
xoxooxoxox
Shauna

Oh! I forgot! My reading for Write Around Portland is this Thursday!!!

CA125 and CT Scan Results are back...

2009-01-09T10:40:00.000-08:00

from my doctor:

Hello Shauna. I am sorry for the delay in my reply.

There are some slight changes in the results but not dramatic changes.

The CA 125 is slightly higher at 81.

The CT scan shows a small increase in the amount of fluid in the abdomen. Nothing else is changed.

Given these changes, I think we should continue with the plan to restart the chemotherapy this month. We will of course talk in more detail at the upcoming appointment.

JL

Normal CA125 is 35 or below. Mine has been rising steadily lately. And the fluid in the abdomen would explain my increasing waistline, which is pretty much non existent. On top of that, it feels so crowded in there. It's hard to eat or drink anything, as I feel so freaking full all of the time. And my lungs feel like there are sandbags laying on them when I'm laying down. Ugh. The cancer in my abdomen hasn't been the type to form tumors, but like a glaze over the walls. A "thickening" of the abdomen. BAH HUMBUG to you cancer! Leave me the !@%^&*<>? alone and give me a freaking break!!!! sigh...

My girls weekend to the coast with my friend Paris and her BFF Sam from college and my best buddy from Jr. & Sr. High, Loni, was cancelled due to the rain and flooding. I-5 and Hwy. 101 are closed. It was going to be my "Last Hurrah" before starting chemo again on Monday. My mom has been stuck up in Washington as well. Unable to get home. I hope I can still go on my planned trip to San Francisco with my college friends Jan. 23rd.

Big hugs going out to Paris and her family. It's never easy to lose a pet. They are family too. The Immel family will miss Ginger too.

xoxoox
Shauna

See Jan. 4th for New Post

2009-01-06T02:25:00.000-08:00

I just added a post tonight, but it showed up 2 entries down because I started it two days ago! LOL So have a peek at What Was GR8 about 2008 according to Team Immel!!!

xoxoxox

Halftime Entertainment

2009-01-06T00:07:00.000-08:00

The Sting provided the halftime entertainment during the Southridge High School Boy's Varsity game vs Camas tonight. Fun for the girls to play on the big court, in front of a cheering crowd, announcer and all! They were playing in the big league!!!
Still waiting on the results of my CT Scan and CA125 blood work. Hoping no news is good news.

Hard to get back into the swing of things with school and sports schedules after having 3 weeks off pretty much completely. I'm worn out!!!

I hope you all survived your Monday!!!

xoxoxo
Shauna

The Sting Swarms the Gladstone Hoop Tourney

2009-01-05T13:00:00.000-08:00

Dave is coaching Kaelin's basketball team this season for the first time. They are the same girls as most of her Red Magic Soccer team, plus two others. They are called "The Sting". Scott Zanon is helping coach as well. Our kids have grown up playing on the same teams since we live in the same neighborhood and have kids exactly the same ages. They are mostly 5th grade girls, except three of them (Kaelin, Claire Zanon and Bella) are 4th graders. They are all very athletic and what is cool is that they know each other so well from playing on the same soccer team for years. Most of them will be going to Southridge High School eventually (where Dave coaches the varisty girls), so they are learning early the fundamentals needed to play in that program!

Kaelin missed last hoop season because of her broken hand. And these girls have never played a game all together and the snow has hindered their practice time, so we weren't sure how they would do in this 5th Grade tourney this weekend. I have to admit, we were all very suprised at how well they actually did! They came out and played hard and took a lot of us by surprise and ended up winning the tourney!

They proved to be more of a defensive team than an offensive team, winning their games 25-14, 22-6 and 14-6. But that will come with time and just goes to show you how defense wins games! :) I have to say they played much better on Saturday than their 8am Sunday morning performance, but hey, we were all still asleep so I can't blame them!
Dave was very proud of his girls and HIS girl in particular. He loves coaching her! She thinks too much out there on the floor, not really having a good feel for the game yet, and taking everything so literally, but she'll do fine. She's got a good looking shot, some great defense and great rebounding skills already. I'm sure she'll be taking after her dad in the hoop deptartment. We have to remember that she is a year younger than most of the girls too. And as she adjusts to the speed of the game being so much quicker than soccer, she'll fit right in.

After the games on Saturday, almost all of the girls from the team had to run off and play a 220pm indoor soccer game too! They did great, winning 11-3! Dave's SRHS girls team won that night too, so it was a very successful, sports filled weekend! (not to mention our BRUINS!) Tonight The Sting gets to play at the half time of the SRHS Boys Varsity game, that should be fun!! Gotta remember the camera!!! I'll be sad to miss the tournament next weekend, as I'm going to the beach with Paris, Sam and my friend Loni for some girl bonding time. :) Can't wait!

I'm waiting for my oncologist to get back to me on my CA125 and CT scan results. Hopefully they are better than I expect. I meet with her and chemo is supposed to resume Monday, the 12th. :( Boo!!! HIss!!!

I am in the process right now of writing a long blog post, summing up the great of 2008, so check back soon! It's taking me awhile as I have to read through the last year and link events and download photos etc! But I promise you it will be a fun one!! And I think I'll make a version to send out as our Christmas (aka Spring) cards! ;)

Loves to you all!!
xoxoxooxox
Shauna

What was GR8 About 2008

2009-01-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

What Happened Gr8 in 2008...

January 2008

Weyerhauser donates laptop to Crusaderz Car Club, who in then donates it to me for my trip to Reno and my days spent in bed after chemo. (All thanks to Tami Wilkerson Dunning)
I crossed off 3 1/2 things from my Bucket List: #6 We renewed our wedding vows, #10 my bedroom was redecorated (thanks to help from my friends!), #18 one of my 2 kids, my son became a teenager and #20 I took Kaelin to see Cirque de Soliel.
Thanks to my family, friends and community, I got the opportunity to spend 3 weeks at an alternative treatment clinic in Reno.

4. I lived to celebrate my 42nd Birthday in Reno.
5. I met the songbird, Laura Allen @ the Reno Clinic, whose voice touched my soul.

February 2008

6. Shanna from California visited me in Reno.

7. My family was able to come visit me in Reno.8.. I married the man of my dreams, for the 2nd time, on February 1st, 2008!
9. Paris visited me in Reno.10. My best friends from Jr. and Sr. High in Kent, WA held a Pass the Hat fundraiser for me that raised over $4,000 for my medical and alternative treatment expenses.

March 2008

11. Southridge High School Varsity Girls win their 4th straight 6A State Championship!

April 2008

12. My daughter, Kaelin, turned 9 years old!!

13. We got to celebrate our neighbor and friend, Berit's 40th Birthday with her in style!!!
13. My mom, Kaelin and I went and saw Cirque du Soleil!14. We become proud owners of a Wii!

May 2008

15. I got our Christmas cards out in May!!!16. I got some cool new glasses!!!

17. The Kamin Family, some friends from our days at UCLA, came for a visit!18. My writing, In the Valley of the Shadow of Death, was published in the Write Around Portland Anthology and I was chosen to be their featured writer on their website.

19. Spencer celebrated his 13th Birthday!

June 2008

20. I became a 2 year Cancer Survivor!

July 2008

21. Dave and I celebrated our 14th Wedding Anniversary!August 2008

22. Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyers was released and I reread the whole Twilight series again!!
23. We attended the 3rd annual Wilkinson Family Reunion!

24. The Murray Hill, Beaverton Little League Team represented Oregon in the Regional Finals in San Bernidino, CA!

25. The 2008 Bejing Summer Olympics.

September 2008

26. Stand Up to Cancer aired on all of the major networks.

27. Kaelin and I went and saw So You Think You Can Dance Live!
28.Sheila came for a visit.27. The TCC Gals came for a visit!

28. Loni and her family came for a visit!!October 2008

29. A baby elephant was born at the zoo.30. Catlin Gabel's 8th grade soccer team was runner up in the championship after a great season!
31. I was asked to be a patient teacher for the OHSU class "Living with Life Threatening Diseases" for the third year in a row.

November 2008

32. I got to escape to Seattle for the weekend and attend the Seattle Scrapbook Expo!
33. Kaelin and I went and saw Twilight at midnight on opening night! And then we saw it again!!
34. I got to see Spencer all dressed up in a suit and tie!!!
35. And Kaelin all dressed up in a skirt!
36. We got to spend Thanksgiving with our family.
37. I discovered Facebook and texting and Blackberry cell phones.

December 2008

38. SRHS Girl's Varsity Hoop team played my high school alma mater, Kentwood, here in Oregon!

39. We got a brand new Dryer!!!

40. We were snowed in for 2 weeks and Christmas Vacation was stretched to 3 weeks!!!

41. The "Not Saint George" 8th Grade Play was hilarious!!!

42. We had our first White Christmas at home.43. I got to spend New Year's Eve with my brother, his family and friends.44. Our house was painted, we got a new fence and a new red door!!
45. The Red Magic Soccer Team had a very successful year!!!

46. We reconnected with old friends and made new friends!!!

I wonder what 2009 has in store for us????

xoxoxo
Shauna

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009!

2009-01-02T00:08:00.000-08:00

Quick post to say Happy New Year and to share a couple of photos from New Year's Eve. I have a great big long blog post I'm cooking up for the next few days. So this will have to get you through till then.

Photo: David Denny (Kentwood class of 88), my little brother, Brandon Berglund (KW88) and Steve Thompson (KW88).
My brother, Brandon.Took a quick, last minute trip up to Kent to surprise my brother at a party at David and Kim Denny's. Didn't get there til 10pm, after battling the elements on the drive up. (Man, I'm almost wishing for the snow back!! )

It was great to see the gang. Brandon and these boys (plus Mike Bennett) have been best friends since they were in 4th grade when we moved from Hawaii to Kent, WA. I was in 8th grade. They are a package deal, and always have been, so it's like I've grown up with 4 little brothers. They have attended all of the important, fun and memorable events in my life, from both my High School and college graduations, to my wedding and all of our fun family vacations, like weeklong trips to Whistler and Vail. I love these guys!!! And boy can they make me laugh!!! Can't believe they still pick on Steve as much as they do!!

Cancer stuff:

Tomorrow my OHSU student, from my Living with Life Threatening Diseases course, is going to take me to my 6 week CT scan appointment so she can observe and get some time to talk with me and ask me questions. I did my blood work on Wednesday, so I should be getting my CA125 results back in the next couple of days.

I have my next doctors appt. on Jan. 12th, which we'll go over the CT scan results and discuss our plan of attack. Chemo will resume that same day. :(

Thanks for all of the love and support in 2008! I love you all!!!!!!
xoxoxo
Shauna

Christmas Wrap

2008-12-27T20:29:00.000-08:00

Team Immel hopes you had a Happy Holiday! Thank you for all of the Christmas cards, emails, phone calls, texts, Facebook posts, blog posts, gifts, goodies, good wishes and holiday cheer! WE love and appreciate you all!!! Your friendship and support are our greatest gifts this holiday season, and every day!

We were snowed in for 2 weeks here and weren't able to drive up to Washington like we do every year to spend our holiday with my aunts & cousins and 2nd cousins on Christmas Eve in Buckley, or my brother and his family, including my 3 year old niece Ella, for Christmas morning in Kent, or my Grampa, Aunts, Cousins, and 2nd Cousins on Christmas afternoon/evening in Enumclaw. But we were safe and warm and together here at home, with my mom, for our first White Christmas in Beaverton, OR! It was nice to not have to drive from place to place to place. To just be. To sit and relax. Nap. Play with our new toys and gadgets. Make french toast for breakfast and to go see a movie later that night (Marley & Me).
Spencer was so happy and excited about Christmas that he even let me take a photo of him, SMILING!!!
I love this shot of him and Simba....and this was taken with Kaelin's little digital camera she got last Christmas because I left my camera at the Klings house on Christmas Eve! Talk about panic!!! (Berit was so nice to bring it over later that morning!! Thanks Berit!!!)
Simba even had a stocking, with a peanut butter bone in it! (his favorite!) We laughed so hard at him trying to get it off his tongue and nose!!

Due to basketball tournaments early in the month and then the snow, we were unable to get a tree. We had planned on going green and "renting" a living tree but we couldn't get into Portland to get it. So on Christmas Eve, I got creative and threw something together. Somewhat of a "Redneck Christmas." I either get the prize for "Most Creative" or "Lamest" but it was all I could come up with at the last moment. AT least we saved some dough and a tree it's life. Check it out, I stacked our piano bench on top of my cedar trunk and then a file box on top of that. I put my green table cloth over the top and then placed our Poinsettia on top. My mom strung little rice lights and i covered a cardboard star with foil and hung it from the ceiling over the tree.LOL It will be a tree to remember won't it? It looks really lame from the street! I'm so embarrassed! It will come down tomorrow night after my dad and Ginger come over to exchange gifts with us. I'm going to make them Maple Salmon, Crash Potatoes, Steamed Asparagus and bread. One of our favorite dishes. Thanks to Paris for the Salmon recipe!! We use it ALL the time!!

My mom was a huge help this year. I haven't had a lot of energy or stamina lately and haven't been feeling very well since I got sick at Thanksgiving. She totally picked up my slack. Making my cookies. Wrapping my presents. To name but a few things. She even made her own wrapping paper! Check out the newsprint with the stamped turtles and glitter on it! Way to go green!

We really scaled back this Christmas but the kids were very thrilled and happy and didn't seem to notice. Dave and I weren't supposed to buy each other gifts, but he dodged that clause by making my gift "from the kids". I need to get a photo of my gift before I can tell you the story, but it was shiny and sparkly and pretty. :)

I hope you all had a memorable holiday full of family and love and laughter and peace.

xoxox
Shauna

Twas the Night Before Christmas...

2008-12-24T21:03:00.000-08:00

Happy Christmas Eve to those near and far.
We are snowed in for the holidays, but just had a wonderful dinner with our neighbors, The Klings. Berit, Steve, Haley and Mason filled in beautifully for our family! We had a great night of eating, playing Wii, talking, laughing and beating them in Cribbage!

Now on to wrapping presents and getting a good night's sleep!

Here's a fun photo of the kids from last year...

Happy Holidays!

Snowapolooza 08

2008-12-23T20:43:00.001-08:00

I got a kick out of a story I read in the Oregonian newspaper today, where the writer referred to this storm as "Snowapolooza", "The Snowpocalypse" and "Snowmageddon" 2008. I loved that. Never have we seen a White Christmas quite like this one in the Pacific NW, nor will we EVER see one like this again! We've been snowed in pretty much for 11 days now. P-town is just not equipted to handle snow like this. I think we have 3 snow plows for all of the Portland Metro area. Can you imagine? I bet those boys are busy!

In our neighborhood, we have about 15 inches, maybe more and more is expected tonight. Chains are required to drive. Portland has pretty much shut down for the last 2 weeks now. Which is not good timing for the holidays. Our plans to drive up and spend the holidays with my brother and his family in Kent and with the cousins, aunts, uncles and my Grandpa in Enumclaw, WA have been foiled. We're not going anywhere anytime soon according to the forcasts. Oh well. We will manage. Thank goodness we have shelter, warmth, food and each other. So many other people less fortunate are really suffering through this weather. My heart goes out to them.

We were going to "go green" this Christmas, to save money and the environment. So we didn't put up lights and we found a place where we could "rent a live tree". We could't get downtown, so we are without a tree. But we've gotten pretty creative with a poinsettia! Memories in the making. "Remember that Christmas when it snowed so much we were snowed in for 2 weeks and Santa had to put our presents under a poinsettia?" :) Memories! I'll never forget the Christmas when we lived in Hawaii when I was a kid. My dad built us a tree out of some boards. It was painted white. It had shelf like things where we set Xmas knickknacks and candles on it. I don't remember any other Christmas trees growing up, but I remember that one, clear as a bell.

I hope you all are making wonderful memories too, for when all is said and done. That's what it's all about. We might not always have the "live" version of our loved ones, but we will always have the memories of them for as long as we can remember with our hearts and minds. Enjoy your holidays and make it memorable.

xoxoxo
Shauna

I'll leave you with some photos from our neighborhood...

Our house with my mom's PT Cruiser, "Leon," in front of it...
The view as you look up the street at Forest Hills Park from our driveway...
The view from our driveway as you look down the street...The park around the corner where Simba loves to play ball...
Spencer, happy that he hit his target with a snowball....
His target (his sister!), not happy with is aim...
A tree in our yard...
My mom's car parked in front of our house (all photos taken on Monday, Dec. 22nd)...
Simba wondering where his ball is? It's lost in a snowdrift!
Simba prior to losing his ball...proof that he's the Happiest Dog in the World!!!
The fire hydrant at the end of our street, just before you turn the corner to the park...
Stay warm, dry and SAFE!!! xoxoxo

Snow Bound

2008-12-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

Wow. What a week! Winter Break was supposed to start officially after the kids got out of school today, but they haven't been to school for 7 days due to the weather! It's been cold and it's been white!! School was cancelled for the whole week, so my kids got 3 weeks instead of 2 off for Christmas and they are psyched. So many things got cancelled and postponed. Like the Christmas concert, Revels, at school. The Write Around Portland Anthology Release Party and Reading. Gymnastics training and meets. Martial Arts. Basketball practices and tournaments. Acrobatics Dance practice. Support Groups. Christmas Parties. Plans to go Christmas shopping and get our Christmas tree. Lunch and coffee dates. You name it!

We've all enjoyed ourselves though. I must say that I had all of these plans to get so much done, but I've really just relaxed and hung out and slept in and played in the snow and on Facebook and watched movies (Napolean Dynamite and I Am Legend) and read books and did crossword puzzles and make dinners and actually sit down all together and eat as a family! It's been sooo nice to have everyone home and not rush around from sport to sport to sport etc for a change. Life is good!

My mom and I did manage to get out and start and almost finish our Christmas shopping on Thursday when the temps rose and the snow melted (in between storms). She also baked my holiday cookies for me and also made her own wrapping paper and wrapped her presents and sent out her Christmas cards! I have no excuse.

I've been neglecting my blog and emails too and to those of you who are waiting to hear from me...I am sorry! I've been having to share my time on the computer with 4 other people in my house 24/7 and like I've complained many times before, just when I sit down and get on a roll answering emails, my pc boots me out and it takes me at least 5 tries before I can get back on and by then I am so pissed I walk away. It's so frustrating! I miss my marathon sessions of email answering and my clean, organized inbox. I can't keep up anymore and it overwhelms me! I love that I can get Facebook on Ruby, my trusty smart phone, but I haven't figured out how to get my emails to forward to me. You can always email me to my phone directly at shaunaimmel@sprint.blackberry.net and I bet I can get back to you better that way!

Kaelin and I snuck out this afternoon and saw the movie Twilight for a second time. I liked it better the second time! We came home just as it was snowing again. Spencer has a friend over for a sleepover tonight and we're hoping for an indoor soccer game tomorrow. Other than that, we're trying to figure out if and when we can get up to Kent, WA to my bros and gramps for Xmas and how long we can stay. With school being cancelled all week, Dave's HS girls team hasn't practiced for 6 days! That's unheard of! And they were supposed to get some time off around the holidays, but now...it looks like that already got it. I'm afraid they will be practicing when we would be traveling. So who knows.

I hope to get together with HS friends if we go up and DAve's team is playing in a Hoop tourney at Riverside HS in Auburn starting DEc. 30th, so we may go up there then too. Or instead. Depends on the weather!

I'll leave you with some photos of what we've been doing since being Snow Bound:I also need to thank a dear sweet lady from my support group who braved the snow, cold and ice and drove over a whole bunch of holiday goodies for my family and I! Thanks Carolyn! You are so nice, thoughtful and kind and we really appreciated it! What a nice suprise!!!!!
I hope you all enjoy the rest of your week and the holidays!!
Peace!!
xoxox
Shauna

Happiness is....

2008-12-16T00:17:00.001-08:00

Hope you all enjoyed your day as much as Simba.
xoxoxo
Shauna

A Taste of Winter

2008-12-14T21:27:00.001-08:00

Pure Bliss in a child's eyes. To a child, there is nothing better than waking up to a snow day! We went to bed last night (after going to Toys R Us from 11pm-12am! The best time to shop!) and woke up in a winter wonderland! Very dry, cold snow. We have about 4 inches on the ground right now and it's not supposed to go away anytime soon. School has been cancelled tomorrow, very much to my children's delight. The temperatures are very cold. In the teens. Supposed to be 10 degrees on Thursday. For us Oregonians, that's COLD and we're not used to all of this snow and cold! They are saying that school may be cancelled all week. And there was only 1 week of school left before the Christmas holidays! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Luckily I had gone to the grocery store and stocked up, but at some point, we're going to run out and have to venture out. So much for getting our tree. At least I will be stuck at home and have lots of time to deal with paperwork, laundry, cleaning etc! (That is if I can drag myself away from the computer and FACEBOOK!). My mom has been making my Christmas cookies for me and Kaelin has been helping! Too bad I don't have my Christmas cards, might be a good time to do them! Oh well. It wouldn't be a card from Team Immel if you didn't get it for Valentines Day or Easter. Right?
Here's a snowman that Spencer and the boys across the street made. I've had some people commenting on it, saying it looks like the Pillsbury Dough Boy costume Spencer wore for the school play! (Stay tuned for more photos on that...) Spencer had to stand guard, as Simba, the Happiest Dog in the World, happens to be a snow eater! He kept trying to eat the snowman's nose! (He likes carrots!)

I had the kids pose with the dog, thinking that this might make a good Christmas card photo. I'll keep trying all week, as I'm sure we'll have lots of photo ops! Simba is a total snow dog! He loves the snow! He stood at the door and cried when we came in. Wanting to go right back out. I think he had the most fun of us all!

Other happenings from this week...

Here's a photo of Grampa and Grannie (Dave's mom and step dad) in front of an art project Kaelin did hanging on the wall in the performing arts center at school, just before Spencer's 8th Grade play, "Not Saint George."

The play was hysterical!!! OMG those 8th graders and their humor! Alot of current popular event stuff was thrown in there for comedy, like Sarah Palin, America's Next Top Model and High School Musical. I can't even explain it. It was so out there and so darn funny. We were rolling on the floor. Here's a photo of the whole 8th grade cast...
amd 2/3 Pillsbury Dough Boys (kinda look like Casper the Ghosts huh? Or Frosty the Snowman without the hat.)

And here's all three of the Dough Boys, plus the Cookie MOnster and one of the "Fairies" (all of the big, athletic, jock boys were dressed as the fairies for the nutcracker music and did their ballet routines on trikes!)
I missed my writing group this week due to the play. :( So I don't have any writing to share this week.

If the snow doesn't put a damper on things, we have the Christmas Concert, "Revels", on Thursday night and I have my Write Around Portland Anthology Release Party on Wednesday, December 17th, where I will be reading my piece "Tell Me a Story." For anyone that wants to attend, it's from 6:30-8:30pm at First United Methodist Church, 1838 SW Jefferson Ave. (at Goose Hollow Max stop). The event is free and everyone is welcome! You can purchase the books there, or they will be available at Powell's afterwards.

I hope that you all are safe and warm inside your homes, with your loved ones snuggled in close. Enjoy the time and make some memories!!!

xoxoxoxo
Shauna

CA125 Results are back

2008-12-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

here is the note from my doctor:

Hi Shauna. The CA 125 is overall stable. There was a very slight change from 45 to 56. As per the graph we looked at, overall this small change is not likely to be significant. I do not think we have to make any changes to our plan for a CT scan next month before the next appointment with me. As always, if you develop worsening pain, or any new symptoms or concerns, please let me know right away.

I hope you have a very nice holiday with your family.

Best regards,

JL

She doesn't think it's significant but I've had a bad feeling for awhile now. This bums me out. :( Nice to have a break, but then the chemo isn't blasting the cancer and keeping it in check. I can feel it inside me. Sucks.

xoxo
Shauna

Favorite Foto Friday

2008-12-12T12:16:00.001-08:00

My brother's dog, Gimli, last Christmas. LOL This ought to get us in the Christmas spirit huh?

Off to see Spencer play one of three Pillsbury Dough Boys in the 8th grade play, "Not Saint George."
Hopefully I'll have more photos and stories to tell after today. Kaelin has gymnastics tonight, Dave has another Hoop Tourney at Southridge HS this weekend and Kaelin has hoops this weekend.

We really need to get started on Christmas. Just not in the mood this year. Have yet to get a tree, put lights up, organize Christmas cards, decorate, buy a single present or bake cookies. Sigh. Maybe the play will slap me upside the head!

Have a great weekend friends and TGIF!!!

xoxox
Shauna

Facebook, Laundromats, Dr. Appointments, Writings and Pillsbury Dough Boys

2008-12-09T23:44:00.000-08:00

Facebook:

Ok. I've been neglecting my good friend, my trusty blog and all of you out there who check in on me! I've been down with the flu (twice! Guess that's what happens when you get TWO flu shots! LOL) since Thanksgiving, but have also become quite addicted to Facebook! (love that I can access it on my smart phone, "Ruby"!). I have had so much fun reconnecting with old friends, co-workers, and classmates! Some friends all the way back to 8th grade! People that I thought were lost, are now found! Friends that moved away when I was in 10th grade (waving at Kathy!), friends that I hadn't seen or heard from since high school and college. I'm loving the connections. My life is all about connections and relationships now. And I am so thankful to be able to speak to all of these people and tell them how I feel about them. What they mean/meant to me. How they affected my life. It has given me a new light inside. I have this need, this hunger to connect. To reach out and touch, and to hold on for dear life. I don't want to let go. I know I'm driving people crazy (get a life already Shauna! Some of us are trying to work and be responsible/productive! Not professional playdaters!). But it's like a drug for me. I crave it. I need more. I can't stop. It feels good. And it's an escape. A distraction. I forget for awhile that I have cancer, because I'm kind of living in the past. Works for me, ya know? LOL So thank you all for being patient with me and humoring me. I feel so isolated sometimes. And I need to get my fix!!! You can blame my friend Jo, for "pushing" Facebook on me! LOL (Thanks Jo, I love my favorite cup-o-Jo!) Add me as a friend, you'll find me under "Shauna Berglund Immel".

Laundromats:

Another reason I've been MIA - with the flu came lots of laundry. Especially bedding. The extra stress on the appliances was too much for Mr. Dryer to handle so he kicked the bucket. My step father in law (thanks Wayne!) and Dave tried their best to fix it, but it wasn't saveable (is that really a word?). So I spent a great deal of time and energy at the local laundromat on both Friday and Saturday nights. You'll be shocked to know that laundromats are not open 24 hours (they close at 10! and I drove to 3 of them to check!) and that they are EXPENSIVE and that there is no where to sit. (see, my mom came to visit! Remind you of that "Friends" episode with Ross and Rachel?) You also might be shocked to know that I brought my camera with me and documented my time spent there! LOL

Hey, I you talking to me? I resemble that remark! LOL

One thing you may not realize, doing laundry at the laundry mat is hard work! You have to pile all of those dirty clothes (like every piece of clothing you own after a week!) into your car and drive them there. Haul them in and out of the car and "the mat." You don't need anywhere to sit, because there is no time to sit! You get your stuff loaded (which is work!), you have to get quarters and then you realize you forgot laundry soap and dryer sheets, so you have to use quarters to get that. And then by the time you do that, all of your 7 loads have been washed and you have to work your tail off to get them into the dryers and then you need more quarters and then they start getting dry and you start folding and folding and folding! They finish all at the same time!! And then you have to reload the car. And then haul them into the house and then put them away! Whew!!! I've developed a whole new appreciation for doing laundry and I will NEVER complain again! I promise!!! Speaking of can't complain...I can't complain about my hubby! He went out and suprised me with a new dryer from Sears! I think he was afraid he was going to have to start doing it! No more Friday and Saturday nights spent at "The Mat!" Although it's nice to get all of your laundry done in one fell swoop, it's nicer to do it at home. Our new dryer arrives tomorrow! I'll have to think of a good name for him. I've been naming things lately. My Blackberry phone is names "Ruby", my mom's old car that I'm driving while the Jeep ("Hunter") is in the shop, is named "Rosie". Any suggestions?

Dr. Appointments:

Had my monthly appointment with my oncologist today. Drew my blood for the CA125 test and flushed my ports (I have a double port-a-cath inserted into my left chest wall, above my heart for infusing). When you don't use your ports, you have to flush them monthly to keep the flow open or whatever. Had a nice talk with my doctor. Told her about the flu and how I was concerned it was my cancer taking over my insides. She said that we need to be aware of that and keep an eye on it but that since so many others got sick, that it's likely the flu and not my cancer. I told her how worried I was about my intestines. I've had increased pain in my abdomen and under both ribs and bloating and trouble eating very much at a time and digesting food etc. Which is no big suprise since the cancer was in my intestines and they removed 12" of my intestines. But also, a stomach virus will cause inflamation and pain, especially with compromised intestines! I asked her if there were any tests to check the intestines because they don't show up in the CT scans or PET scans or MRIs or Ultrasounds. The only way they can tell is to cut me open surgically and that's not advised. So we don't know. We just keep an eye on stuff. The kind of cancer I have forms a glaze of cells along the linings of my abdomen and intestines, not a big mass, but a layer. Which is not good for the self esteem, when you add layers to your abdominal wall, and it's not muscle! She said my last CT scan was Nov. 18th, so she wants me to do another one the 1st week in Jan. and then meet with her again the 2nd week and start chemo again then. Probably the oral chemo, pill form (Zometa?). You take pills one week, feel iffy and then feel bad and have a week to recover and then repeat. I have plans to go out of town to the beach with my friend Loni (since 8th grade) and Paris (friend for about 9 years now?) and Sam (Paris' sorority sister who lives in Gig Harbor!) the 2nd weekend in Jan. and then my bday is Jan. 20th and I have plans with my UCLA college friends (Sheila, Joni, Rachel and Phil) to go to San Francisco the weekend of the 24th. So I'm going to try and push off starting chemo until the end of January if my CT scan and CA125 comply. I asked the Doc how she thought I was doing...really. Considering. Compared to the odds. Statistically, etc. She said she felt good about me having a break but that considering my history, that I will never be able to have very long breaks from chemo. And she thinks that I'm doing better than expected. So I'll take that and run with it. My friend said something to me tonight that put things into perspective (thanks Kathy!). I told her I was still fighting. But that I was getting tired of fighting and that fighting was getting harder the longer and harder I fought. And she said "The longer you fight, the longer you are winning." That really slapped me upside the head. Makes sense. So I'm adopting that as my other slogan, besides "I CANcer*vive." She said I could! Now all I need is an agent. Any takers? I could be the next Lance Armstrong people!!! The doctor also suggested I talk to my counselor again (I think my tears gave me away, ya think?). Hey, a girl can only keep a stiff upper lip for so long! (A Facebook fix would have averted that by the way!).

Writings:

Don't know if the Writing Group outside the workshop is working for me. Too much visiting and chit chatting and commenting on pieces besides just the writiing itself. Seems like we spend more time hearing back stories and life histories than writing. It's a long drive and a big effort to go for not getting more than 20 minutes of writing in in a 2 hour block. I'll share what I got down last week. They are all incomplete...

12/5 10 minute write prompts:
1. My worst nightmare...
2. The best holiday ever...

The Abyss (or The Deep?)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I'm sound asleep. The kind of deep sleep you get to if you can stay asleep long enough to venture there. Where you are still, except for the quiet whispers of your breath, falling in rhythm with your heart beat. Your eye lashes flutter so ever slightly, tickling your cheeks like butterflies on flowers. You are at peace. Safe and secure in your dreams. Where you get to travel to magical places and visit long, forgotten first loves. You relax deeper into the comforts of your breath. You are floating in a suspended state, like being on your back in the ocean, looking up at the clear, blue sky as the rolling waves gently rock you deeper to sleep.

Suddenly, your safe haven is shattered by an uncharted storm. You are startled awake with fear. Your gentle ocean turns tumultuous. It churns as Tsunami-sized waves toss you about. You are no longer floating on top of the water, but are going under. Gasping for breath. Choking. Drowning. There is no escape route. No one to help you. You call out but no one comes to save you. You swallow more water and your lungs fill with liquid as you sink deeper and deeper towards the abyss. Your eyes burn with terror as you try and make your way through the darkness.

Just when you think you can't hold on, you break the surface and gasp for breath, coughing up salt water. You sit straight up in bed. Your heart pounding so fiercly, you fear it will pound right out of your chest.

You look around. Confused. Disoriented. Am I asleep? Am I awake? I'm asleep. Wait, no... I'm awake. Let me pinch myself. Yep. I'm awake.

My worst nightmare ever? I'm pretty much living it.

I'm awake.

12 minute write prompts:
1. A pet
2. Most Memorable Vacation...

A Dog's Tale
by Shauna Berglund Immel

He came into our lives, very unexpectantly. We hadn't planned for him. After two of the greatest dogs had come and gone from our lives, we weren't looking for a replacement just yet. I had only brieftly mentioned to my family, two Christmas' ago, how "if and when we ever get another dog, it would be a Labradoodle." And I had put it in the back of my mind while I had more immediate things to deal with, like cancer and chemotherapy.

My husband must have taken it to heart, because not even two weeks later, he pulled up to the curb to pick me up from a long day of infusing and curled comfortably in his lap, like it was made for him, lay a 9 week old Labradoodle puppy! Probably the cutest puppy I had ever laid my eyes on. It was love at first sight. And by the looks of it, my husband shared the same sentiments.
As I got into the car, the puppy calmly crawled over to my lap, and gently settled in. As if he knew that that is what I needed and maybe all I could handle at the time.

My husband must have known I needed something soft and cuddly in my hard, cancer filled life. Maybe we all needed something to remind us to live in the moment. To live each day to the fullest. To be happy for what you have now and to find joy in the little things.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy:

Spencer will be playing one of the Pillsbury Dough Boys in the Catlin Gabel 8th Grade production of "Not Saint George" this Friday! More on this later! Thanks to Grannie and Grampa for making this costume possible!!! xoxoxoxo

This should give you all enough reading material for a few days while I get my Facebook fix! LOL

xoxox
Shauna

Professional Playdater For Hire

2008-12-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

After spending the last week pretty much down and out with the flu, I felt well enough today (the blue skies and sunshine helped!) to meet my girlfriends for mochas (them) and tea (me with the queasy stomach) at Moonstruck Cafe here in town for a playdate!
I met my former co-workers from Hot Off the Press: Sherry (former editor), Laura (current in house designer) and Jacie (former graphic artist) for some girl talk and girl time! The only thing missing was our dear friend Paris (although you were there in heart and spirit P!)

I then took advantage of the weather and took The Happiest Dog in the World, Simba, to the dog park to meet up with my other friend Jaci and Simba's girlfriend, Mokie. Here the love birds, um I mean dogs, are on the park bench (Simba's on the right).
We then asked a lady if she wouldn't mind taking a photo of the 4 of us. Here are her attempts...
Needless to say, we asked the wrong person. Obviously she's not a photographer. It was painful. All the time and effort she put into it and this is what she got. So then I decided to take a photo of Jaci and i together. I just held the camera out in front of us and clicked...
See how sunny it was???

Then tonight I dropped Kaelin at gymnastics (with the holiday break and then the flu fiasco she hadn't been in over a week!) and went to watch Dave coach the Southridge High School Girls Varsity team play against my High School Alma Mater, Kentwood High School, from Kent, Washington! SRHS is hosting the Nike NW Invitational through Saturday and the teams in town playing in the tourney are:

Sacramento, CA
St. Mary's, CA
Regis Jesuit, CO
Central Catholic, OR
Southridge, OR
Sunset, OR
Tualatin, OR
Kentwood, WA

NOTE: I can't take any good indoor basketball shots with the lighting in the gym, my zoom lens (not enough lights get in) and the movement!!!! Here's proof we played them though...

Unfortunately, "we" lost. But "we" also won. :)

Here's what the program had to say about Kentwood: "Veteran team that returns 8 players from last year's team. Lindsey Moore (Nebraska) and Jessie Genger (4 year starter) will lead this team. Kentwood has been one of the top teams in WA for a number of years with their highest finish of 3rd at the state tourney in 08. A team loaded with outstanding all-around guard play. KW is considered a pre-season State Championship contender for 08-09."

Also, news on one of their guard Moore: "Moore signed w/Nebraska and is one of the top guards on the West Coast. She was offered more than 50 D1 scholarships. She eventually chose Nebraska over UW, Iowa State and Boise St."

and SRHS: "SR has played in the Final 4 of the OR state playoffs for 6 consecutive seasons and are the OR State large classification 4-time defending State Champs. SRHS is coming off a season in which they finished ranked #20 in the USA Today National Poll and #15 in the Full Court Press Poll - the 4th time in 4 years they have finished in the Top 25 of a National Poll. SRHS enters the season ranked 16th in the ESPN West Regional Poll. Losing 7 seniors from the 08 roster, the 08-09 team will be very young, lead by returning starters Ali Greene (2011)and Allie Brock (2010).

So that was my night.

Other happenings or rather "mishaps" from this week:

Not only is my Jeep Cherokee in the shop with an oil leak, but our dryer decided to die yesterday as I was trying to catch up on Mt. Laundry after being down with the flu since Sat. night! We had been having to wash bedding alot over the last week and our dirty clothes got backlogged! I joked on my Facebook Wall that "my family is one pair of underwear away from going commando!" and that really wasn't a joke!!! My step father in law was so kind to come over today to try and help Dave fix it, but now it's in pieces and they need a part (we hope that's it). Tomorrow I will need to find a laundromat. :(

Tomorrow I'm meeting with my Writing Workshop girls to continue writing on our own, and Kaelin has gymnastics, Dave has the hoop tourney and Spencer has a Middle School Dance. Look out!

And the flu thing. We had about 25-30 people at my Gramps in Enumclaw, WA for Turkey Day and I know of 11 now who came down with the flu several days later. Most of them lasted 24 hours. Since I don't have an immune system, I think it hung on much longer. I even got a flu shot - twice!!! Just how I wanted to spend my time off of chemo...with the flu! NOT!

Ok, so that is my soap opera of a life from the last week. Bah Humbug on Christmas I tell ya! I'm cancelling it! (Dear Santa...Shauna would really like a new dryer for Christmas and her family would like new underwear!!! lol)

Missed my support group girls this week. Didn't want to get them sick. (missed you most Jo!)

Hope my buddy Paris is hanging in there and feeling better and I hope she'll let me know if she needs anything at all!

Waving to my lost but now found friend.

Have a great weekend everyone.
Peace out.
xoxox
Shauna

Flu Bug Hit Us Hard

2008-12-02T17:25:00.000-08:00

Be patient with me as I try and get over this after 2+ days down and I help Spencer and Kaelin through this and try not to let it get Dave and my mom down too. :( It's not pretty. Have to say, this bout was worse than any of the chemo side effects I've experienced lately and the only thing I can think of that was worse was the 3 weeks I spent in the hospital after my surgery and diagnosis. That was hell. This is pretty close. :( Hope to be back up and running by the end of the week...

xoxo
Shauna

Sharing Writing

2008-11-29T22:15:00.000-08:00

Here are some writings in progress from several weeks of Write Around Portland workshops with the Quest group of women (cancer survivors, chemical dependencies, mental illness, HIV) and also, some writings from the workshop held at Hot Lips Pizza once a month, every 3rd Thursday of the month (next one is Thurs. Dec. 18th 9-11am).

11/14 prompts:
1. Someday I will...
2. The next time I see you...

Will it Be Enough? (totally a work in progress...)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

What if tomorrow never came? What if today was your last? What if it was your last Christmas? The last time I see you. The last time I touch you. The last time I kiss you. Will the next time I see you be the last time?

What if there was no tomorrow? How would you want to remember the last time you saw me?

The next time may be the last time. Will it be good enough? Long enough? Will it live up to my expectations? Will it be memorable?

I will embrace you a little longer. A little tighter. I will tell you how I feel, without holding back or leaving anything out. I will live like there is no tomorrow. I will make sure you know that I love you and am grateful for you in my life and that I am thankful that I got to walk in this world with you by my side.

I can't wait for tomorrow.

The next prompt was to write something you learned about your self, your writing and/or your community...

I learned that I love to write. That I love to share my writing. That I need to write. It's part of who I am. It gives me life and purpose. It's like a best friend for me, giving me a safe place to share my insecurities and fears, as well as my hopes and dreams. It listens without judgement.

11/20 prompts from Hot Lips Pizza Writing Workshop:

5 minute free write (but I was really late!)
Autumn brings me....

Autumn On My Mind
by Shauna Berglund Immel

Apple cider.
Football.
Falling Leaves.
Pumpkin flavored pastries.
Back to school.
Soccer sidelines.
Joy.

10 min. write
I love the way...

I Love the Way That Feels
by Shauna Berglund Immel

To wake up each morning and realize
that I have been given another day to live.
Another gift to open and unwrap.
I love the way that feels.

To feel alive and present.
To experience the beauty and adventure of life
as it unfolds throughout the day.
To get as much living in a day as I can
and to know that is one more day shared with those I love.
I love the way that feels.

To awake, nestled in the safe haven of your arms.
To breath in the intoxicating scent of your being.
To know that I have another day with you.
I love the way that feels.

To hear my childrens voices float into my room,
as they awake, eager to discover what their day brings.
To wrap my arms around them and drink in their innocence.
Afraid to let go too soon,
for fear that I will not get another chance soon enough.
To feel their arms encircle me tighter.
I love that way that feels.

To move about my house,
and revisit my belongings that make it a home.
Treasuring memories.
To feel the warmth of my dog at my feet,
as he follows me room to room through my house and my day,
never tiring of my company.
I love the way that feels.

10 minute write
Using an object (a tea bag)

Company of a Good Friend
by Shauna Berglund Immel

The smell of cinnamon weaves it's way through the chilly air to my nose.
Beckoning me with it's sweet scent.
Like perfume.
Promising me warmth and comfort.
I long to sit in it's company,
embracing it's warmth like a good friend.

6 minute write
I remember....

Before Darkness
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I remember what it was like before. The freedom. The innocence of life. The security. Small worries that seemed enormous and life shattering at the time. I remember being able to lay down at night and sleeping before fear crawled into bed with me and laid down for the night. I remember the light and how it felt as it warmed my skin with it's hope and promise. Before darkness creeped in and spread like a disease through our lives, destroying everything in it's path. Leaving us raw and exposed. Clinging to all that we had left. But ourselves.

11/21 Writings from our Quest group meeting on it's own

1. I am thankful for...
2. A favorite food, best meal you ever ate, something you love to cook

A Gift to Open
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I am thankful for each day that I am given. Like a gift to open on Christmas morning. The anticipation of what it to unfold. Will I like it? Will it be the best gift ever? My most favorite one yet?

I find my expectations high. What if today if my last day? Will it be good enough? Will it live up to those expectations? Will I be disappointed with the gift I was given? Will I sit down at the end of the day and look back on my day with regret? Wishing for something else?

Or will I be grateful for the gift itself and cherish it for what it is. A gift.

Another moment. Another day. Another memory.

1. Crushes
2. Describe an obnoxious kid you once knew or someone scary or strange.

The Dark Presence
by Shauna Berglund Immel

He is here.
I can feel his dark presence.
Lurking in the shadows.
Waiting for the just the right moment.

He has come for me.
He sits and waits for me.
Night after night after night.
Faceless.
Hidden.

I can smell the stench of his breath
as it hits the back of my neck
and creeps down my spine,
polluting the innocence of my youth
and the woman I once was.

1. On the Road
2. When I Look in the Mirror

The Eyes of the Soul
by Shauna Berglund Immel

Who is that woman?
The one in the reflection looking back at me?
I don't recognize her.
The person I have become.

I know it's me inside the tattered body.
I can see me in the depths of her eyes.
The eyes of the soul.

She stares blankly back at me.
She looks so scared and alone.
Old beyond her 40 something years.
Ravaged by cancer, surgery, chemotherapy
and unimaginable emotional trauma.

She. I. We.

Are but damaged goods.

Thanks for reading my dark, twisted, warped thoughts.

xoxoxo
Shauna

New Addiction...

2008-11-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

Facebook!
I'm now addicted to blogging, email, texting and Facebook!
Who knew?
If you're reading this, add me as a friend!
shaunaimmel@verizon.net
xoxo
Shauna

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-28T01:19:00.001-08:00

Team Immel wishes you and yours a Happy Turkey Day! We are so very thankful for our friends and family and for all of the support you have shown us over the years. We are grateful for today and for each and every single day we have the privilege and pleasure of spending together.

Gobble Gobble Gobble! Oink Oink Oink!!!!
xoxoxo
Shauna
I wish for many more Thanksgivings spent with family and friends!

Grandparents Day, Support Groups and Living with Life Threatening Diseases

2008-11-26T17:40:00.001-08:00

Do you recognize this girl? I mean, she's in disguise and everything. This actually would have been the perfect Halloween costume for Kaelin. Dressed as a girl! LOL Look how nicely she cleans up. She "had" to dress up for Grandparent's Day at school. Kaelin told me the first year, "you have to dress up in a dress or skirt or fancy pants, and I'm NOT wearing a dress or skirt!" So the first year she wore red velvet pants. She wore this skirt and jacket last year as well as this year, but look, she's evolving. She actually is wearing a skirt! (with her Nike shorts on underneath LOL). She makes a very pretty girl I think! Nice break from the Tomboy mode. I love Grandparent's Day!!! (I like it even better when she lets me take her shopping for a new outfit)
Kaelin rode to school with my mom and my dad and his gal Ginger met them there for a fun morning full of music, dance, refreshments, school/class tours and socializing with teachers! Unfortunately I didn't make it to school to take photos with my dad and Ginger (did you take any photos this time Ginger????). Doesn't my mom look pretty too? You can tell they're related.

Today was a crazy busy day for us. Spencer is off of school all week, and Kaelin just had a full day Monday and a half day Tuesday. Today she had a 3 hr. private lesson with her Rhythmic Gym coach to learn 2 more of her competition routines while I attended my support group. The videographer/film maker Brian Lindstrom followed me to group today for more film for his documentary in regards to the importance of writing/journaling and what Write Around Portland is doing for people. Check out some links to some of his work below. His camera is very small and he shoots in a "fly on the wall" style that is unobtrusive. His goal is simply to show the audience a little of my world outside of the writing workshops.

Links to articles about his recent film "Finding Normal" are below.

http://blog.oregonlive.com/madaboutmovies/2007/07/review_finding_normal.html
http://www.oregonlive.com/movies/index.ssf/2007/01/finding_normal.html
http://blog.oregonlive.com/madaboutmovies/2007/12/marc_mohans_top_ten.html
http://blog.oregonlive.com/madaboutmovies/2007/12/shawn_levys_top_ten_and_honora.html http://www.oregonlive.com/movies/index.ssf/2008/01/brian_lindstroms_documentary_f.html

I then met with my OHSU medical student for the class "Living with Life Threatening Diseases" that I am a patient teacher for. We talked about "Hope" and "Pain and Suffering." It was interesting how those things have changed for me from diagnosis to now. I'm finding my answers are different than I gave my students from the 1st and 2nd years.

One thing that I mentioned was how, for me, the emotional trauma was so much worse and painful than the physical. I'd like to share an example of that point by sharing an emotional blog entry from another cancer survivor's husband, on Lainey's blog. He tells it from his heart and hits on all of the issues regarding stress, emotional and otherwise (especially paragraph in bold).

Dear friends, we start the next episode this week. I want to make sure everyone knows how serious Lainey's situation is. I don't post too much about this as Lainey reads this blog and i don't want to scare her. But many people see Lainey and say 'how can she be so sick, she doesn't look sick". Lainey has stage 4 ovarian cancer that has metastecised to her liver and it's growing.She is platinum resistant, which means many chemos won't work on her cancer. She is in a lot of pain, she is tired, depressed, weak,scared, anxious,shocked, distressed, sad, the list could go on and on.
Due to her current situation she has to be very careful.We've decided now she must stay away from the meetings for the winter , she will listen in by phone. She absolutely can not risk exposure to sickness, it would be a disaster. Every week when she goes in for chemo she has to pass a medical to be pronounced for for chemo. If her temperature is too high, is she is ill, if her counts are too low she can not get the life preserving treatment she needs.
We need your love and support. Phone calls , cards, meals,scheduled visits, so she is not totally cut off from the world. She needs to not feel forgotten. She may not be strong enough to answer the phone but she love's to hear your voices, and i need to know we are still loved and thought about.
Today we go to Stanford. Realistically there are not many treatment options, but if they have anything else to offer we will take it. Today i hope to make contact with a Doctor in Reno. We hope to go see him next week and if all works out we will probably spend the month of December there getting daily treatments. I am pulling out all the stops to try to get Lainey's cancer under control.
We are under a huge amount of stress, if you can imagine the current economic situation, add to it you can't get work or do work because you have to take care of your wife, add to it the medical costs, which after insurance are still tens of thousands of dollars, add to it the pain and sorrow of just going through this with the one you love,add to it the loss of everything normal in life that we usually take for granted, add to it the isolation and fatigue due to daily medical needs and procedures, add to it the sheer sadness of the whole situation, add to it we have been fighting this now since July of 2007, imagine all that and you start to imagine how we feel. The stress alone does weird things to your mind and body, you develop stomach problems, digestive problems, you feel dizzy, tired, unable to think, unable to remember, unable to do simple tasks. You mourn the abilities you had just 2 years ago, you mourn the future planning and growing that you wanted to do. You fall into a rut of getting through each day.
That is why kind words, hugs, emotional support are huge. If you don't know what to say , just say i love you , and give me a hug. Tell me i'm doing a good job, tell lainey how much you love and admire her for her spiritual strength and courage.
As you can tell we are in a new place mentally and emotionally, it's a desperate place where you cling to hope and pray for relief. Nothing is normal for us and it never will be again.
In the future i will need all the love and support i can get, behind my smile is a heart that has already broken, please excuse me/us if we aren't capable of normal, we wish we were.
My dear friends, we are not the only ones who suffer, this world is full of pain and suffering, do all you can to show love, kindness and mildness to others, after all Micah 6:8 say's : "He has told you o earthling man what is good and what is Jehovah asking back from you but to exercise justice, and to love kindness and be modest in walking with your god" to me that scripture says it all !
In closing take care of your families, they are precious, take care of those in need, and there are many, and "Never give up in doing what is fine,for in due time we shal reap ,if we do not tire out"

We Love you ,all you kindhearted people, family, brothers and sisters Love Keith and Lainey

In closing, thank you for those of you who read my blog, pass it onto other people in similar situations and who send positive energy my way. Thank you to all of you who have impacted my life and that of my familys. Thank you for standing by me, in the good times and the bad. For doing the little things in life to make it so worth living and for making those little things the BIG things. Thank you for embracing me, disease and all, and for all of the love and support in all of the many ways you have shared yourselves with us in our battle with Cancer. I couldn't be here without you.

Hope you all have a wonderful turkey day.

xoxox
Shauna

Following Suit - Three of a Kind!

2008-11-24T15:34:00.000-08:00

Last Friday night, Spencer attended a formal dance at The Racquet Club with several classmates. It was quite the adventure coming up with "formal" attire, as we are a family of casual (as if you haven't noticed!). I found a Nordstrom dress shirt at the consignment store for $8. Spencer borrowed a coat, tie and pants (he's outgrown his khakis) from the other boys going and he wore his own socks, belt and shoes (a 1/2-1 size too small but it worked!). He cleaned up nicely!It was so fun for the boys to get ready and ride together. It was even more fun for me to tag along to the pre party and to take photos and see them all in person! I felt like I was witnessing Spencer getting ready for the prom or something! (a mom can dream can't she?)Being the teenagers they are, they weren't willing to share any details of the night, no matter how hard we all pried! I'm like, "Come on, throw me a bone!!!!" LOL I asked Spencer who all was there (ya know, from his class) and his response...."people." Oh gee, thanks. Torture your poor mother!!!!

Other things that happened last week:

Even though my writing workshop finished up, several of us still met to write together (unofficially) at one of the other woman's houses. We are taking turns coming up with prompts. It's good to have a date to write. I also went to a monthly writing workshop at Hot Lips Pizza on Hawthorn Blvd. It's every third Thursday of the month (I think?) and it's a $25 donation. If anyone is ever interested in going with me, email me! I plan on going each month!

Kaelin and I saw "Twilight" at midnight on Thursday and she missed school Friday. I'm hoping to go see it again with Paris soon.

Dave and I saw the new James Bond movie "Quantum of Solace." A bit of advice, rewatch "Casino Royale" first to refresh your memory. The storyline from that one continues and alot of the characters cross over and it's hard to keep them all straight and follow along. Good flick though. Loving this James Bond. Daniel Craig rocks as Bond. Warning: scary fire scene towards the end of the movie.

Spencer and I went and saw the new Disney animated movie "Bolt" (Kaelin went on Friday with Grannie and Gramps). A really cute and fun movie. We really got a kick out of it. However, another warning: a scary fire scene towards the end of the movie.

Kaelin had a 7am indoor soccer game on Saturday and we had to be there at 6:15am! Ouch, that one hurt!!! It was the first time The Red Magic had played indoor together as a team. Took them a bit to figure it out and they ended up winning 2-1, but it was a battle!!! Fun to watch. Very fast paced. Will be good to get them in shape for hoops.

Sunday Dave coached Kaelin's hoop team, The Sting. This is the first time Dave has coached one of our kids teams. Kaelin is very athletic and can defend and shoot and rebound, but has no left hand! Gotta work on that one.

Gorgeous weather the last two days. High 50's, maybe even low 60's. Been spending time at the dog park and walking the happiest dog in the whole world.

Making homemade spaghetti and meatballs in the crockpot today and hoping to bake some Monster Cookies later.

Trying to figure out our plans for Turkey Day. It's complicated with trying to travel to SEattle inbetween high school hoop practices Wed. and Fri. and 7am soccer games on Friday the day after!

Enjoy your week!

I'm loving chemo-free Mondays!!!!

xoxox
Shauna

Twilight at Midnight

2008-11-21T02:44:00.000-08:00

2:45am Kaelin and I have just arrived back home after a midnight showing of the new teenage vampire romance movie "Twilight", based on the book of the same name. We stole away for a girls night out to celebrate my CT Scan results (shhh....don't tell anyone at school that's why she's staying home today!). I know some of you think I'm a bad mom to take my 9 year old daughter to a midnight movie on a school night, but you only live once and I aim to really live each and every day. Not to hold back. No regrets. Take the opportunities as they come because you never know when your time is up. This will be memorable. "Remember that time your mom took you to that teenage vampire movie at midnight on a school night, and you got to stay home from school the next day and sleep in?" Yep, she'll remember that. Thanks to Tiffanie for rounding up tickets for us and to both her and her daughter Talia for getting to the theater early and snagging us stellar seats. It was fun to hang out and do something so outrageous. The book is definately better and the movie is a little cheesy and corny in parts, but it works. We all agreed it would become a cult classic. Kaelin wasn't sure what all the hubbub was all about and her first words after the movie were: "That movie wasn't worth staying up to see at midnight." LOL But that's my girl. It wasn't about whether it was worth it or not. It was being a part of it. A part of the frenzy and fun. Being some of the first ones to see it. To sneak out and do something outrageous and memorable. And we did. I have to say that the actors weren't how I imagined the characters in the book, but that they worked in their roles. They totally set the movie up for the sequel. It was very cool to see our neck of the woods in the scenery and stuff, like the Gorge and Multnomah Falls. Fun stuff. I'll leave you all with photos of Tiffani, Talia, Kaelin in our seats at the theater....
Goodnight!
xoxox
Shauna (Team Jacob in the book, maybe Team Edward in the movie! He's a hottie!!!! LOL)

The CT Scan Results are in

2008-11-20T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hi Shauna -- good news on the CT scan -- there is no spread of cancer and no new areas of cancer that could be seen by the CT scan. That area of thickening in the upper abdomen is still there but has not grown. I have pasted a copy of the full report for you below.I think it is fine for you to continue to take a break from chemotherapy until after the holidays as we discussed. Please let me know right away however if you develop any new symptoms or concerns.Happy Thanksgiving,JL

FINDINGS:CHEST: Left internal jugular Port-A-Cath position is unchanged. No supraclavicular, mediastinal, hilar, or axillary lymphadenopathy. Heart size is normal. No pleural effusions or pneumothorax. No pulmonary nodules. No acute bony abnormality. ABDOMEN: Liver, spleen, pancreas, adrenal glands, and kidneys are normal and unchanged. No pathologically enlarged retroperitoneal, abdominal, or mesenteric lymphadenopathy. Omental fat stranding along the gastrocolic mesentery/ligament is unchanged without a discrete focal nodule. PELVIS: Hysterectomy, bilateral oophorectomy, and pelvic lymph node dissection are again noted. There is no pelvic lymphadenopathy or mass. Central pelvic fat stranding/scarring is redemonstrated. Mild thickening of the urinary bladder wall is again suggested. Result Impression:: 1. Unchanged omental mesenteric fat stranding within the gastrocolic ligament compared to September 10, 2008. 2. Postsurgical appearance of pelvis status post hysterectomy, oophorectomies, and lymph node dissection unchanged with residual fat stranding/scarring. 3. No lymphadenopathy. 4. No thoracic disease.

xoxoxo
:)
shauna

ps. gonna go celebrate with Twilight movie at midnight!

Lady in Waiting...

2008-11-19T17:05:00.000-08:00

I'm going crazy waiting for the results of my CT Scan! It always makes me worry when it takes longer than I think it should. Or than it usually does. Like she's afraid to call and tell me. Eeeek. Going crazy with worry while I wait. I hope she calls/emails me soon....

Another thing I'm going crazy waiting for is the release of the "Twilight" movie! It gets released Friday, November 21st. I read all the books....TWICE! (I'm a Jacob fan for those of you in the know). I'm considering going to the special showing at Midnight Thursday, but I'm having trouble finding anyone crazy enough to go with me! Anyone??? Email me if you're up for it! I don't think I can wait for the weekend...

I went to my support group today, met Paris for coffee at Borders Books and volunteered at school by doing curb duty at pick up. Now I'm home for a few before going off to basketball and acrobatics for Kaelin.

Woke up today feeling hungover on Barium. Ugh. Wish it would get out of my system already. I feel so blown up and bloated and uncomfortable. Blech.

Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday evening!

Cheers!
oxoxox
Shauna

Posterchild for Cancer

2008-11-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

Survived drinking the Barium (barely) and the CT Scan itself this morning. It was interesting to have someone follow me around with a camera and film the entire thing, hospital gown and all! It's amazing how fast and painless it all is, considering the hardest part is drinking that CRAP!

My Writing Group is being filmed for part in a documentary and the cameraman asked if he could follow me and my life outside of the workshop. So today he met me and followed the CT process. He's also going to accompany me to my "Making Today Count" Women Living with Stage 4 Metastatic Cancer support group (if the girls agree upon it) and to my first meeting with my Oregon Health and Sciences University medical student for the Living with Life Threatening Disease course for 1st and 2nd year students in which I am a patient teacher for (3rd time in a row now!). He also wants to film me with my family so I thought we'd meet him at the dog park one day. Whatever I can do to give back, I like to do. And if I can make someone elses journey easier or better, I'm all for it. I'm happy to be the posterchild! Autographs anyone? LOL

Just waiting to hear from my doctor on the results of the CT scan. Hoping for the best. Will let you all know asap.

Enjoy your Tuesdays!
Time for my nap!
xoxox
Shauna

Escape to Seattle

2008-11-17T22:47:00.000-08:00

So I decided to pack my bags and head to Seattle for the Scrapbook Expo after my last Writing Workshop on Friday! (Regardless of the fact that my Jeep was undrivable because it's leaking oil and waiting to be fixed and then on Thursday night my mom's old car, the Suzuki that I was driving, began steaming and smoking from the engine! Turns out the hose had come loose from the radiator). Dave let me take his car and leave him car-less! Luckily the Suzuki was an easy fix and he wasn't car-less for long.

I decided last minute to run away and escape my life as "Shauna the Cancer Patient" and get lost in the sea of scrapbookers where I could just be "Shauna, another face in the crowd!" I also thought that I was ready to be inspired again with scrapbooking. And to see what I've missed since being let go from my job as a scrapbook page designer for the last 9 years (because of that darn cancer!).

It was the perfect day for a drive, with the sun shining bright and the blue skies after a week of rain. My CT scan wasn't until Tuesday and my oncologist had given me the week off of chemo. Do you know how amazing it felt to feel good 2 whole weeks in a row???? OMG it rocked!!!!!! I wish it could/would last!!!

I got into Tukwila/Renton around 4:30pm, along with everyone else in the state of Washington on a Friday it seemed! Instead of sitting in traffic for several hours to get the rest of the way to Bellevue and stay at the host hotel, the Hilton, I decided to consult "Ruby" my trusty "smart phone" and her GPS system/directory and she directed me to a hotel nearby! I pulled up and stayed at the Clarion Hotel on East Valley Hwy in a non smoking room in a king sized bed, next to The Keg Restaurant and across the street from a 13 plex cinema. Does it get any better than that??? (Only if the water would have been hotter and they had more pillows...). They had free WiFi and the windows opened for fresh air and the curtains pulled shut so in the morning it was still pitch black in there like it was night and I could sleep in!!! :) It was quiet and peaceful and restful and AMAZING! Such a treat! I reccommend it to all of you moms out there! Just go down the street and stay in a hotel once a month to get away from your crazy, hectic life! It does wonders!!! No dishes. No laundry. No tidying up after anyone but yourself. Quiet. Peaceful. Restful. Ahhhhhh......................................

I walked over to The Keg to see if I could order take out and bring it back to the hotel. The hostess told me that I had to order from the bartender, so I went into the bar and decided it looked very inviting at the bar, in front of the big screen TV with the Laker game on. So I sat down and decided to eat at the bar. The manager asked me if I'd ever been there and when I said no, he brought me a free Shrimp Cocktail! Which I couldn't eat really, so I offered to share it with the couple on my left and the gentleman on my right. That opened up conversation and I had a great time chatting away with them! They didn't treat me any different or feel sorry for me or know me as "Shauna the Cancer Patient", so I forgot about my cancer and troubles and had a blast just being me! Turns out the couple actually have a house in Canby, OR (where my work was located and I worked at for the last 9 years!), that they lived on Oahu in Hawaii (I went to 6th and 7th grade there) and that the gal was a big time scrapbooker! When I told her why I was in town she got all excited and planned on attending the expo the next day too! The food was excellent (I had a baked potato and steamed asparagus, water and diet pepsi) and the company was fun. I meant to go see a movie, but was having too much fun at the bar. It was nice to be transported out of my cancer life for a short while. Loved it!!!!

Saturday I headed to Bellevue for the convention and had the best time socializing again! I sat down at a table for lunch and because it had 3 extra chairs, people kept coming over to share my table (seats/tables were few and far between!). In the process we would chit chat and make friends! I sat for awhile and probably saw 3-4 waves of groups sitting with me. It was fun to run into them on the show floor afterwards. I went alone but left with more friends than I started with! Some of them took my name and address to keep in touch. I have to say that scrapbookers are really really GOOD people! Big hearts!!!

I visited with my friend Laura. She worked at the Boxer booth with my other friends Angie and Vicky. Here's a photo of Laura and I...
Laura was so sweet and bought me a tshirt at the show that says "I Fight Like a Girl" and has a pink ribbon symbolizing cancer on it. Thanks Laura! You rock. :)

I then was shopping in the Simply Swank booth and the owner, who is demo-ing the product, says to me "I love your hair". I had to look around because there was no way she was talking to me? Me with the salt and pepper hair now post chemo. Me with the salt and pepper CURLY out of control hair post chemo. Me??? Is she insane? Me that looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize herself and wishes she could color her hair. Wishes she had her straight hair back. Not this uncontrolable afro mass of salt and pepper curls. Really, you talking to me??? I had to tell her how she made my day by saying that! That led to the whole story of me losing my hair and it growing back with "chemo curls" etc.! I stood in her little booth and talked to her for hours! She was so much fun! Loved her. And in that big, expo hall full of overwhelming amounts of scrapbook supplies, her little corner with out of the oridnary supplies was a welcome retreat. A safe haven. I spent a pretty penny in her booth, buying soldering tools to make xmas ornaments, necklaces, bracelets, photo frames, etc! What fun I will have! And anyone who wants to come play with me!!! Check out her website! She says Craft Warehouse carries her product. Fun stuff.

The next place I stopped was the Melissa Franis booth. I was drawn to the beautiful vintage products and bought a wooden block letter "I" for Immel! I was also drawn to the booth because I had read on her blog that she was battling cancer herself and had designed some cancer related products and I was so thrilled. Guess who rang up my purchase and was working in her own booth? Melissa Francis herself! I asked her how she was doing and one thing led to another and we're hugging and squeezing and talking and crying and ranting and raving and bonding!! It was amazing to be in the presence of someone who understands. Who gets it. Who knows what's it like. To be a survivor. To be a fighter. To be a chemo/cancer patient. To live with emotional trauma etc. It was really really special for me. I think I was meant to go to that show, just so I could connect with her. I believe that it was fate that we meet. How cool is that? She gave me her email and we're going to keep in touch and cheer each other on in our fight. :) Here'a a photo of the two of us....
Doesn't she look fabulous? I think she must have thought I was stalking her, since I kept going by her booth LOL

To top off my fabulous Saturday, I met my sister in law Jennifer and my sweet, adorable niece Ella Enchanted at Red Robin for dinner! My brother is in Paris, France, so I missed him this time around but hope to see him at Thanksgiving. I got a big hug from my niece and she was excited to see me, which made me feel so good! She's a girly girl and loves all things pink, so it's fun to get to be in the presence of a little enchanted princess!

I wish we lived closer and we were all less busy so we could see each other more. The holidays will be nice to reconnect.

After dinner I decided not to drive back to the hotel in Bellevue and I went back to my favorite hotel from the night before and had a restful, relaxing, heavenly night full of crossword puzzles, football and laying in bed doing nothing at all!

I called/texted my friends around town before locking my keys in my car at 7-11 in downtown Kent and having to call Roadside Assistance....which put me on the road much later than planned. But I wasn't in a hurry. I wasn't stressed out about it. I used the time waitiing for roadside assistance to read the paper and start the crossword puzzle. AFter I finally got on the road, I stopped in Centralia to eat and decided to sit and do the crossword at a leisurely pace. I finally got back into town around 8ish or so. I really wasn't in a hurry and didn't want my weekend to end! I liked being away from my life of cancer. I didn't think about cancer all weekend except my expo experience. I was just me. Anonymous. It was a very small version of Reno, but it was so healing. Just what the doctor ordered!

Today I baked Monster Cookies and went to lunch at a Korean restaurant with other Catlin Gabel 8th grade moms. It's great to have a 3rd week in a row off of chemo after doing chemo every other Mon- Wed for the last year. To feel good. Almost normal for 3 weeks in a row. Wow!!! It's amazing how much more energy I have. How much more I can accomplish. How much more hopeful and energized I am.

I hope my CT scan goes well tomorrow. Everyone please cross your fingers, toes, arms, legs, eyes and heart for me! Think good thoughts! I want the holidays off of chemo! I want this feeling of freedom to last!!!

Enough rambling....
Thanks for reading this far if you made it. LOL
xoxox
Shauna

CA125, CT Scan, Conferences and Chatter

2008-11-13T13:33:00.000-08:00

from my oncologist:

Hi, the CA 125 was 45, compared to 37 previously, so this very slight change is unlikely to be significant.

Let's see what the CT scan shows.

I'm a little worried about this to be honest. Normal is 35 or less. I've had a steady decrease for quite awhile now. Now it's a slight but steady increase the last 2 months. And I have a bad feeling. I just don't feel right. I've put on more weight, and that has always seemed to parrallel my cancer. Sigh. Loving my week off but have a sinking suspicion that it will be short lived. :(

As for my CT scan, they failed to call me and schedule, so I took it upon myself to call today. They fit me in on Tuesday at 10:20am. I have to fast 3 hours prior, and drink Barium at 8:20am and 9:20am. Did I mention how much I hate drinking the Barium? It's far worse than the scan itself. Ugh! And did any of you see the article in the Oregonian about CT Scans and how too many too often increase your risk of cancer? What is a girl to do when she already has cancer and has to get CT Scans every 6 weeks to 3 months? Doesn't make much sense to me. :(

On a brighter note, we had Kaelin's school conference today and it went smashingly! She's 9 yrs old and in 4th grade and is excelling both physically and academically. She's a very strong student, especially in math and is reading at a 7th grade level, which for her is huge since she hates to read! She can't sit still long enough to read! LOL One of her strengths is her close, positive relationships with boys and one of her areas to improve on is making and establishing a close girlfriend. That's something I've worried about for her as they get older and the boys and girls draw lines in the sand. I'm afraid she will be excluded from the boys at one point and then not fit in with the girls because she's always hung out with the guys. She just relates better to them and enjoys their activities and interests more. But I think she is well respected and liked and accepted for how she is, just the way she is. So I think she'll be fine. I hope and pray that I will be around for a long time to see her grow and blossom and discover things on her way to becoming a teen and a woman. I've got to get this cancer under control and be here for her and for me. She needs me. Sigh. Scary.

I've been asked to do a reading tonight for Write Around Portland. I think I'll do the piece from the first anthology I was published in, titled "In the Valley of the Shadow of Death" and then a dialog piece they chose for the anthology coming out Dec. 17th, titled "Tell Me A Story." It seems appropriate after my last paragraph.

Tomorrow is my last Writing Workshop and we're having a potluck. Not sure what to bring yet. I made chicken enchiladas in white sauce for the teacher luncheon at school tomorrow. Kaelin has the next two days off. I may drive up to Seattle and go to the Scrapbook Expo spur of the moment. Kaelin has gymnastics tonight and tomorrow night and starts indoor soccer on Saturday and Spencer has his Grandparent's Day at school tomorow. Crazy life as usual!

But I love to get in as much living as I can, while I still can. They can all rest and be couch potatoes after I am gone. (They better not be and I'm counting on all of you out there to make sure of it!!! Be my eyes and ears *and heart* when I'm gone!

Thanks for all of the support and for keeping up on my crazy cancer life via my blog. You guys rock!

xoxox
Shauna

November 7th Writings

2008-11-11T16:27:00.000-08:00

7 minute write from November 7th.
prompts:
1. use the last line of a previous piece
2. The voices are wrong...

I chose the last line of a previous piece....

Chasing Rainbows (a work in progress)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

We go through life with big hopes and dreams for our future. Not ever thinking that our lives will come to a screeching halt long before it's fully lived.

As a little girl I grew up believing in fairy tales, magic, happy endings and finding my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I had those big hopes and dreams. I believed anything was possible. And now I have those big hopes and dreams for my children and I long for happily ever after. i want to be there as they chase their rainbows, discovering their pot of gold.

Getting diagnosed with Stage IV Metastatic Cancer at age 40 wasn't one of my dreams. That was never part of my happily ever after. Nor did I ever believe it possible. Things like that don't happen in fairy tales. Only nightmares.

You never know when your nightmares may come true, just as you never know when or if your dreams will ever come true. But you can't stop chasing your rainbows or looking for your pot of gold.

It's important to start now. Don't wait. Don't put things off. Chase those rainbows. Every day. Seek out your pot of gold while you can. For you never know when your rainbow will become your stairway to heaven.

The next prompt was a 12 minute write, in which we were to write a thank you to something we don't normally thank.

Love Affair (a work in progress)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I wake up each morning and think of you,
after going to bed the night before with you still on my mind.

I stumble out of bed for you,
eager to sit in your company.

The thought of precious time spent with you,
stirs a longing in me that causes me to hurry.

I feel myself perk up in anticipation,
as I breath in your rich aroma.

It makes me dizzy with longing.

I feel guilty,
stealing away to be with you.

To feel your warmth.
To taste you on my lips.

I know I shouldn't want you like I do.
But you bring me such joy and happiness.

I feel so alive
when I am drunk on you
and your caffeine.

The perfect cup of coffee.

I'll catch y0u up on my life tomorrow!

Hope you all had a rockin' Tuesday!

xoxox
Shauna

ps. I am digging Beyonce's new song "If I Were a Boy!"

Met with Oncologist Today

2008-11-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

I had chemo scheduled for immediately after my doctor's appt. today. But I wasn't sure if I'd have to do it or not, since I just finished 12/12 rounds of the folfox, minus the oxcilliplatin (which I had built up a intolerance to) the week of Halloween.

I've been doing chemo since last November. That's a whole year of it. And prior to that, I'd had several months off after major surgery and 11/12 rounds of the folfox, full strength. That's every other week chemo. One week on. One week off. One week on, etc. A very tough schedule to keep up. With some serious side effects. NOt to mention how far behind in life I am. I can't keep up with anything!

Read here for a recap of my cancer journey so far.

Anyways, after this last round of chemo, I was spent. Emotionally, mentally and physically. I dreaded going in today, dreading having to do it again. Sooo not looking forward to being hooked up to "Fillup" the stupid chemo pump for 3 days. I just need a breather to regroup, enjoy my life/family/friends and get strong again. Mentally, physically and emotionally. So we talked and she agreed, that we need a balance between the cancer fight and my quality of life. So she agreed to give me this week off (YAHOO!) and then we're scheduling a CT Scan and waiting on my latest CA125 results before we plan our next attack.

Depending on the CT and CA125 results, I could have 1-2 months off, with a CT scan again at 6 weeks and monthly CA125 tests and port flushes. After that, we discussed me going on an oral chemo, Zolota (5FU, the drug in the pump, via pill form). It would be a daily pill every day for 2 weeks, one week off and repeat. Pretty much the same side effects except the mouth sores and hands/feet symptoms seem to be worse with the pill form. I'm NOT a good pill taker. But it would beat going in and infusing for several hours and then going home hooked up to a pump for 3 days. I would feel iffy one week, really feel the effects the 2nd week and recover the 3rd week.

Anyways, I am in such a good mood today thinking that it's possible I will have the holidays off!!!! And I still have hair this winter, unlike last! But I hate to get my hopes up. It happens every time. I get my hopes up and WHAM BAM they are smashed and I get bad news and am so disappointed. So I hate to get excited and hope. It's better to be indifferent and not expect/hope for the best.

So thank you to all of you who have been praying and thinking of me. It is so much appreciated!!! And thank you to all of you who do such nice things for my family and I! I can't thank you all enough. I am so blessed to have you all in my corner.

I will try and post my recent writings and weekend wrap up in the next few days!

Big hugs going out to all!!!!
xoxox
Shauna

Playdate with Friends

2008-11-04T21:31:00.000-08:00

My friend, fellow UCLA Pi Beta Phi Sorority sister and college roommate, Sheila, flew down from Seattle again today and we had a playdate! Paris joined us as we had Moonstruck Chocolate Chai Teas, had bagels at Noahs, went for a walk, ate lunch at Pho Van Vietnamese restaurant and chatted up a storm! What a great escape from reality and life for several hours! Fun to introduce Paris and Sheila and to catch up and relive memories again. Can't wait for our college friend reunion in January in San Francisco! Notice I'm wearing red, white and blue for Election Day! I think there are a lot of happy people out in the USA and the world tonight! :)

Hope you all got what you wanted today and had fun with friends and family!

Make it Count!!!

xoxox

Shauna

More Writings and Weekend Wrap Up

2008-11-03T21:32:00.000-08:00

Sharing some more writing from my Write Around Portland Workshop...

10/31/08 prompts:
1. Now or Never
2. Standing at the Window

I Wonder (a work in progress)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I stand here at the window,
looking out into the darkness.

Wondering if tonight is the night.

The rain hits the glass forcefully
and slides down the surface like the tears down my face.
The wind blows the branches up against the glass
and makes an eerie scratching noise,
like the sounds coming from my own throat.

Again I wonder if tonight is the night.

The night that he comes for me.

The next assignment was to take a line from a piece of poetry writing we read in class. (not sure where my copy is) or we could use the following prompts:
1. What do you want to remember?
2. Starting Here

I chose the line "What Can Anyone Give You Greater Than Now?"

What Can Anyone Give you Greater Than Now? (a work in progress)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

Now.
You are alive.
Living.
Breathing.
Loving.
Feeling.
One with this world.
A part of something big and spectacular.
A sight to see.
A strand of life woven among others.
Moving through the universe with pleasure, pain and purpose.
Relishing the touch of a friend's sweet embrace.
Delighting in the sounds of your children's laughter.
Tasting the sweetness of your lover's kiss as it lingers long after it's over.
Dancing to the music that plays in your mind.
Inhaling the cold, crisp, sweet air of autumn's breath.
Walking among the glorious shades of fall leaves
Not only feeling, but hearing their laughter under your feet.
Feeling the warmth on your face as the sun blows you kisses from afar.
Surrounded by Mother Nature's gifts.
Her subtle, simple, precious gifts of life.
In all of their glory.
What can anyone give you greater than now?

Only two more workshops! I will go into withdrawals! Need my writing fix!
\
For anyone interested, the Write Around Portland Reading and Anthology Release Party is Wednesday, December 17th, 6:30 - 8:30 pm @ The First United Methodist Church, 1838 SW Jefferson (right by the Goose Hollow Max Stop)

Weekend Wrap Up:

Last week seemed to be one of my hardest chemo weeks ever, emotionally and physically. I really struggled this last week and it took a lot out of me. I apologize for my negativeness etc. and thank you for your kindness, patience and support.

Halloween: I slept most of the day and got out of bed just in time to go to our 6pm party that was hosted by Kaelin's soccer coach and his family. I'm sad to say I didn't feel well enough, nor did I have it in me to dress up in my Snow White costume I payed a pretty penny for and was excited to wear. It was just too much effort and would have been uncomfortable. Dave and I were pretty much the only grown ups not to dress up,as Kaelin decided to forgo her Halo X Box game soldier character and hijack Dave's Indiana Jones costume accessories (hat and whip).Almost the whole soccer team was there (minus one?) and they all had a great time Trick or Treating and dancing and trading candy. But I truly think this party was more for the adults! I couldn't believe the creativity of the costumes! The parents went all out!We had Palin and McCain...Jack and Jill who went up a hill...
Mario and Luigi (from Mario Brother's video games!)...
We had the a prom queen and her nerd of a prom date (in full character!)...
We had Beetlejuice (in full character!) and beautiful, enchanting witches...
We had the Nightmare Before Christmas trio...
A Chick Magnet and Trophy wife...
There were pirates...
and a couple of referees. And a fun night for all! Although Dave and the host (Go Southridge!) lost on their home turf in shuffleboard to Beetlejuice and a pirate and will never hear the end of it. Apparently they are in need of therapy now. LOL

I didn't see Spencer all day until we arrived home at midnight! He went to school in his big, green Dipsy Teletubby costume
and won the costume contest for the catagory "Classic Costume". I asked him what he won and he said "a piece of paper." LOL He went to a friends after school and helped work the Haunted Room at his house and went Trick of Treating with friends immediately after.

We all had to get up early and be on the soccer field at 8:30am! We all expected the girls to play horribly since they were up past midnight, but they played amazing and won 5-o, playing keepaway pretty much the whole 2nd half.

Spencer's team lost 2-1.

This weekend is the end of the outdoor soccer season. Whew. Spencer will have his martial arts and I'm trying to talk him into playing 8th grade hoops at school. Kaelin still has competive dance and gym and a 5th grade hoops tournament team (her dad is going to coach!). We opted not to have her play indoor soccer since so much is going on.

Kaelin has a 4th grade girls sleepover at the gym at school (put on by the PE teachers and bought at the school auction) this Friday. She's spending Sundays learning some new individualized gym routines for her Level 7 competition season. She's missed a ton of training lately with soccer and all the extra activities between her and Spencer. I just can't be everywhere at the same time!

I finally started to feel more like myself on Sunday and had a great day, falling back and waking feeling rested. Was even productive as I tried to dig myself out of the mess that is our life and home after being down all week from chemo and a busy schedule. Didn't realize that my family had run out of underwear! Can you believe my husband had my daughter pull some out of the wash before school on Friday and blow dry it with the hair dryer????? What will they ever do without me??? OMG!

Oh, and Saturday we went with some friends and saw "High School Musical 3." My son played his Gameboy throughout the movie and my daughter would never admit that she liked it, but it was kind of fun. It's no "Grease" though!

Sorry for rambling.

Hope you all have a rockin week! I'm going to enjoy my week off of chemo and hope that my doctor finally gives me a break next week!

Oh, and my fellow UCLA Pi Beta Phi sorority sister and dear friend Sheila is flying down from Seattle again to spend the day with me tomorrow! I'm excited that she will get to meet Paris and vice versa! Coffee, lunch and time with friends...the perfect day!

Cheers!
xoxox
Shauna

Taking a Poll....

2008-10-30T19:21:00.000-07:00

Portland/Seattle in April or May for first time visitors looking for a rockin time? A friend is bringing her neice as a high school graduation present. Would the weather be better in April or May?

Would welcome any ideas on places to stay and places to visit, as I'm the world's worst hostess.

Portland:
Rose Gardens
Japanese Gardens
Arboretum
Multnomah Falls
Silver Falls
Tupid Fields
Shopping in NW Portland
The beach
Portland Zoo
Aquarium
Bonneville Dam
Portland Art Museum
winery tours
Mt. Hood
Mt. Saint Helens
Crater Lake

Seattle:
Seattle Art Museum
Ballard Locks
San Juan Islands
Aquarium
Space Needle
Seattle Center
ferry ride

Any suggestions????

Midweek update

2008-10-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

Had chemo yesterday. Round 12 of 12. But probably starting another round soon. Hoping to have some time off because I am just so burned out on the whole cancer thing. Sick and tired of it. Sick of watching people die. Went to my support group today and we passed a candle for another lady from the group that died Oct. 16th. Her service is Sat.

I don't know what got into me today but I cried like a baby all day. I went to group and just had to work so hard to hold in my tears and then I couldn't stop crying. I was a mess. Dave rearranged his schedule and stayed home to take over the kid responsibilities so I could nap. I needed that. I'm going to blame my fragile emotional state on chemo. I'm just so tired of it all. I really am. I don't want to play this stupid cancer game anymore. I want to go back to being normal. Back to life before cancer. I really do. Sigh.

I did accompany Spencer to his end of season Catlin soccer party. That was fun. Nice to hear the coach talk about the team and the parents talk about the coach. What a great group. Glad I could attend and keep my emotions in check. Feel much better after that.

So sorry to all of my friends that had to listen to my pity party today. I appreciate your friendship and concern and thank you for being patient with me and for being there in both the good and bad times. Wish there were less bad times though. No offense.

Can't wait to ditch Fillup the chemo pump tomorrow. Not sure I'm up for dressing up as Snow White on Friday now. Feeling less than "Fair", certainly not feeling like the "fairest". Although living happily ever after sounds pretty good to me about now.

Big hugs to all. Enjoy your week and all of that Halloween candy! Anyone not wanting their Milky Way or Twix, send them over! They are my favorite!

xxoxoxo
Shauna

Chemo, CT Scans and Championships

2008-10-28T00:47:00.000-07:00

I ended up rescheduling my chemo for Tuesday so I wouldn't miss Spencer's championship game. Turns out we had to spend our day at the doctors anyways, getting CT Scans. But not for me, for Spencer! He's been complaining about a sore left side. He says it's been hurting since Thursday but he didn't tell me about it until Saturday before his soccer game. Her said it hurt to breath, cough and move. He's been pretty much useless on the field since. Today I got him in to see the doctor at 11:45am. I was planning on him being out of school for an hour tops. Doctor felt his ribs and two were sore and it was sore between and under them. She didn't think he had a fracture, but she was worried about his spleen. She asked what he had going on the rest of the week. He mentioned his championship game tonight. She then said he needed to get an Ultrasound before she could clear him to play. She talked to the radiologist and they decided he didn't need an ultrasound, but he needed a CT Scan! They did a rush referral so they could get him looked at and the scan read by game time. If it was normal, he could play. If not, he would have to sit out. CT scan scheduled for 2pm. He had to drink two 16 oz bottles of Barrium Sulfate prior to the CT Scan at 1pm. Have any of you ever gotten a CT scan? I have. Every 3 months for the last two years in fact. Do you know how hard it is for me to drink that CRAP each time? I'm talking the drink is 500 times worse than the scan itself. And I'm not kidding. Can you now imagine my 13 year old son drinking two bottles of that CRAP in an hour? Do you know how skinny my son is? He has no room in the stomach for even one bottle. No kidding. It was pure torture for not only him, but for me to watch (and poor Paris too since she met us for coffee before the scan). I didn't think he was going to make it. Or that it was going to stay in his stomach for the scan. Plus he hadn't eaten since breakfast. I think he will have a new appreciation for what I now go through every 3 months.

The scan went well. I wasn't allowed to go back there with him and had to wait in the waiting room. That was hard for me. The tech came out and told me he did fine and even giggled because the contrast dye they inject into his IV made his bum warm and tingly. She thought he was so cute. :) That's my boy. LOL I then took him to get a couple bagels before his 415pm game and not long after the scan we got the all clear. No broken ribs or ruptured spleen. He was good to go. So dropped him off at school just as the school day was ending. He started the game but didn't last but a few minutes and was taken out because he said he felt like he was going to throw up. So much stuff sloshing around in his gut. He said he thought he was a liability so he opted not to play. I think the time he was in, he did great. I was sorry to spend all of that time, energy (and probably money!) at the docs, etc. making sure he could play and then not seeing him play. Especially since he had quite the crowd cheering him on. (thanks for coming out to see the game Grannie Seattle, Grampa and Ginger, not to mention all of the Catlin students!).It was a great game. They went all out. It was a real battle. It ended in a tie, 1-1. They were going to crown the two teams "Co-Champions" but the coaches met with the ref and athletic director and they decided to play two five minute OT periods. After the end of those, they would be co-champs if no clear winner. After the first OT, it was still tied. With a minute to go in the 2nd, OES scored a goal and won the championship. It was an aggressive game with several yellow cards awarded to players and even one OES kid getting ejected for taking his shirt off after scoring that second goal! Guess that's not allowed! Spencer was bummed they lost and that he didn't contribute. I was bummed he went through all of that today and for nothing really. :( He still didn't get to play because of the side effects from the scanning process. Oh well, it was a great season. So much fun to watch the games and the team work together. And to connect with the other parents. And most of all, to see Spencer gain his confidence and passion for the game back!Now tomorrow I have to get chemo, which means I'll have stupid Fillup the chemo pump until Thursday afternoon instead of breaking up with him on Wednesday like I usually do. :(

A couple cool opportunities for me:

1. The Writing Workshop I'm in is being filmed. Someone is making a documentary about it and they asked if they could follow me outside of class. Now that's reality tv!

2. I've been asked for a third time to be a patient teacher for the OHSU Living With Life Threatening Disease course for first year medical students. No one has ever been asked back twice, let alone three times, so I feel special! :) It's been such a great experience for both myself and my students and it's been a great way for me to give back to the community. Creating better doctors with understanding of what patients (and their families) go through during the course of their illness. Not just medically, but emotionally, financially, etc. All aspects. First hand. They will have more compassion and a better bedside manner because of this class! During the course of the class, I will be paired up with one student and will meet them on a weekly basis for 8 weeks I think. Last time I was randomly paired up with a woman who had lost her mother to cancer when she was ten. So it was very healing and beneficial for both of us, to understand and experience the other perspectives. It was amazing. I love doing it and am so honored they asked me.

Thanks for listening to me ramble!

Enjoy the rest of your week!
xoxox
Shauna

Pumpkins, Puppies, Piggies and Prose

2008-10-26T21:11:00.001-07:00

Gorgeous Pacific NW day today! It was 71 degrees when we hit Lee Farms Pumpkin Patch around 3:30 pm. What a fun place full of animals, food and fun! Kaelin had to show off her muscles as she picked out a huge pumpkin, almost too big for her to carry.
Spencer used Simba to "sniff out" his pumpkin...
I went for the unusal ghost pumpkin and Kaelin captured a great photo of me! She's turning out to be quite the photog!
The whole reason Spencer wanted to go to this pumpkin patch (we've never been to this one before) was because he heard from a friend that there were labradore puppies there, and boy were there! A litter of 11 little Marley's!!! I didn't think Spencer would EVER stop begging me for one. Sorry son, don't have $650.00 extra dollars hanging around. Or like I overheard one dad tell his kid "They aren't for sale." That works until they can read themselves! LOL
There were also goats in a petting area, llamas, ponies, chickens and piggies!!!!

We had a fabulous time! I love fall. I just want to make a big pile of fall leaves from our front yard and jump in them! Maybe we'll do that tomorrow before chemo since Kaelin is off of school.

Problem with chemo...it's scheduled for 1:30pm tomorrow and usually will take all day til close, about 5pm. But Spencer's championship game is at 4:15pm at Catlin, so I might call and see if I can get in earlier or skip it all together! Doesn't that sound like a good choice? Who needs round 12 of 12 anyways???? sigh. Stupid Fillup the pump will have to go cheer him on too. And of course, it's Halloween week. And I'm going to miss the annual Catlin Gabel Rummage Sale at the Expo center this weekend because my immune system will be wiped out and I can't be around all of those people. Sucks to be me once again!

I'll leave you all with some writings from the last few weeks:

10/17 prompts for 5 minute write:
1. Find last line of previous writings and use that as your prompt.
2. In my dream...

Here is a list of last lines from my writings:

Living life to the fullest
Leave a lasting impression
Hang on for your life
Bring comfort and joy
Lay down next to fear, who often stays all night
Like two birds of a feather
Do some sightseeing along the way
Taking over like the cancer that he is
It's my favorite too
a purple crayon

A Lasting Impression
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I want to leave a lasting impression
but I am afraid it will be like footprints in the sand,
which will be washed away with the tide.
Or like a favorite pair of jeans,
which will fade with time.
I hope that what I've left my children is
a lasting impression on their hearts,
which will never fade.

prompts:
1. I grew up believing...
2. A major wake up call...

Chasing Rainbows (a work in progress)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

I believe in the miracle of life.
I believe in rainbows.
We all love rainbows.
Which come out with the sun after a downpour.
We love to look at them.
To chase them.
To find the rainbows end.
But we never get there.
It's not about the pot of gold itself.
It's about the beauty to behold.
The journey and scenery along the way.
It's about appreciating life.
The miracle of life.
Find your rainbow
and chase it.

10/24 prompts:
1. Courage is...
2. The most beautiful place I've ever seen...

I got to class late and missed the time to journal about these prompts. Hope to do that later.

10 minute write
1. Write about an ordinary, everyday activity
2. Capture a moment.

Stuck in a Moment
by Shauna Berglund Immel

When you hear the words
"You have cancer,"
The world stops spinning
for a moment.
You can't breath.
Think.
See.
Hear.
Feel.
You are numb.
Overcome by thoughts of doubt.
Death.
Fear.
Your heart starts beating at a high rate.
Your body slowly begins to
shake and tremble
as it builds up momemtum
until you lose control
and collapse in a heap on the ground.
Unconsolable.
You feel an unimaginable pain.
So deep in your heart and soul.
A place that has never been touched.
Raw and fragile
A place you never want to visit again.
You wait for that moment to pass.
So you can breath again.
For the pain to subside.
But that moment isn't fleeting.
Time has stopped.
And that place that you didn't want to visit
now becomes your home.

We were given a variety of photographs to choose from. I chose a black and white one of a woman standing and all you can see are here legs and feet and she's casting a shadow. Her young daughter is crouched down examining the woman's shadow with curiosity.

We were asked to think up a list of possible titles.

In My Mother's Shadow
Shadow Dance
Me and My Shadow
In the Shadows
A Shadow of a Doubt
Big Shoes to Fill
My Mother's Shadow
Coming Out from Her Shadow
In the Shadows of My Mind
Shadow Puppets
Safe in the Shadows
Paper Dolls
Cut Outs
Cookie Cutters
Shadow Dancing
Stepping Into the Shadows

We were then asked to pick one and use that as our prompt.

The Warmth of Her Shadow (a work in progress)
by Shauna Berglund Immel

It feels warm here.
Safe in the shadows.
My mother's shadow.
In the shadows of my mind.
It's all that is left of her.
She's but a shadow watching over me.
A ghost of herself keeping watch.
Protecting me with her presence.
In my mind.
Her shadow towers over me.
Like a sentry on guard.
She shades me from the harsh sun.
I dance with her in my mind.
A shadow dance.
She holds me in her warmth.
The warmth of her shadow lingers.
Long after she is gone.

Thanks for reading.
Have a great week full of fun and laughter!
Make it count!

xoxox
Shauna

Who is the Fairest One of All?

2008-10-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

Photos from our Halloween party last night...

Kaelin as a soldier from the Xbox video game "Halo"...

Spencer as bored, moody teenager...
Dave as Indiana Jones....

or me as an XL Snow White? (pretty good photo considering it was taken from my cell phone by myself!)

You decide....

Soccer update:

Kaelin's Red Magic team won today 5-0.

Spencer's Modoc team tied 2-2 and lost 2-1.

Catlin Gabel Boys 8th Grade team plays in the championship game vs OES, 4:15pm Monday @ Catlin Gabel! Come cheer them on!!!!

On the agenda for the rest of the day:

Spencer getting a haircut (he's a helmet head!)

Kaelin going to a Haunted Walk with classmates

Spencer going to rehearsal for a haunted house production at a classmates house

Nothing scheduled for Sunday! Woo Hoo! I'll have to get my house and life in order before going down for chemo on Monday. :(

Enjoy your weekend!

xoxo

Shauna

Flashback Friday

2008-10-24T17:37:00.001-07:00

Halloween 2007

Me as a piece of pink bubblegum that someone stepped in (recycled idea from my best bud Joni at UCLA)

Kaelin as Bobofet from Star Wars. I think 2 or 3 other BOYS in her class were the same...
Simba as Yoda from Star Wars...

And Spencer as a bunch of purple grapes. Look at how much he's grown/changed since last year! Wow, he looks so young and little!!!
Off to see my fairy godmother who is to transform me into a beautiful princess! ;)

TGIF!

xoxox
Shauna

ps. Spencer's parent/teacher conference went so well! So much better than expected! They all raved about him and his abilities and personality etc. and that he's a much different person than 6th and 7th grade. He's engaged. Happy. Organized. :) I can't tell you how happy that made my heart! We've had a rough two years and Spencer really took it all to heart, losing his passion for things and withdrawing into himself. I'm so proud of him! And so relieved. He's on top of things. Are we talking about my child???? :) When asked what his goal was for this year he said "to go to Japan." And what he was looking forward to or wishing for: "Barack Obama being President!" lol I can breath again. Whew. Wasn't sure if I was going to blindsided since I hadn't heard anything lately. :)

Go Blue!!!!

2008-10-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

Catlin Gabel boys 8th Grade team won tonight, 7-0 in the semi final game! They play the winner of the OES/Meadowglade team on Monday @ 415pm (maybe Tues?). Woo Hoo! The boys played GR8! All of them! Spencer had some great footwork and set up a goal in the first half with a big kick from midfield. What a fun game to watch and cheer for! Go Catlin! Woo Woo Woo!!!! ;)

Was supposed to stay home today and get caught up on laundry, groceries, housework and paperwork but got invited to lunch, so ran off to have lunch with Laura and Sherry @ Bushwhackers! Great burgers and fries! Looks like a fun country western bar and grill.

Tomorrow is my writing group, Spencer's conference (he's off school), providing food for and cleaning up for the Middle School teacher's luncheon, and then a huge Halloween party tomorrow night! My big black platform shoes for my Snow White costume arrived today! I"m finally going to be tall! :) I'm going to look like a fat Snow White, but what can I do??? The more of me to love!!! DAve's going to be Indiana Jones, Spencer Dipsy the lime green Teletubby and Kaelin a soldier from Halo. LOL Photos to follow for sure! Brace yourselves!!! Me in my costume will be the SCARIEST!!!! Followed by Spencer....

Hope you all enjoy your Friday!!!

xoxox
Shauna

Mid Week update

2008-10-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

Met with my gynological/oncological surgeon today. Haven't had a recheck with her in a year now! She's outside the Kaiser system and I was referred to her because of my unique situation and she's the top in her field. She knows my history from the beginning, and since my Kaiser oncologist retired in March and my OHSU oncologist moved to Canada, it's important for me to be able to check in with someone that has been there from the onset. She's a great patient advocate and very proactive and is known by other patients and medical staff as "The Bulldog". But I love that about her. She pulls no punches and says it like it is and is very up front and frank with you. She always makes me feel grounded. I really value her opinion.

Anyways, my followup went well. She did a pap and internal and she said everything felt smooth and normal. She said I look great and that she's not worried about the slight increase in my CA125. I mentioned my concern about weight gain and she said it was important. That it's a protective barrier. That I need those reserves to draw from if I get sick. So that made me feel a little better about myself. She also agreed with everything my new oncologist has done and her approach. She also set my mind at ease about my Cobra insurance running out and staying with Kaiser afterwards. That I'm getting really expensive treatment for not a lot. It could be so much worse. And that I'm still here, which says alot. That they must be doing something right. She also agrees with staying on a chemo regimine if it means keeping the cancer at bay and buying more time. It's just so old and I'm so tired of it, but I can't agrue with that ya know? I've tried so many different things and I've gotta go with what works.

Since I was at the hospital anyways, I went to my Making Today Count Women With Metastatic Cancer Support Group for the firs time in a long time. After several beloved women died, I couldn't bring myself to go. It was good to see some familiar faces and to check in with everyone. It's a hard thing to do. To go to those meetings. To see some of the women deteriorating before your eyes. To hear some of them have 6-12 months to live. It sure puts a lot of things in perspective and it makes me feel very grateful for my situation. It could always be so much worse. I'm thankful I can do all that I do and feel pretty good doing it, considering. I really am fortunate. Considering. Ya know? I don't look like a cancer patient. I have my hair. I'm nice and round. :) I can walk unassisted. Gotta admit, I've got it good compared to a lot of them. Gotta remember that!

Ok, to move on to soccer update....

Spencer's 8th grade Catlin Gabel team beat Trinity Lutheran on Tuesday 6-0 and so they advance in the playoffs and play Thurs. @ Riverdale Elem/Middle School at 415pm. If they win then (tough matchup!) they will play in the championship game on Monday. Go Blue!!!!

Spencer has a league game tonight with his U14 Modoc's soccer team. And then he has 2 games on Saturday and Kaelin has a game too.

I'm excited about plans in the works for a high school and college friends reunion in the works! Probably a Kentwood group in mid December in Washington and then a UCLA group in San Francisco in late January! :) Email me if you're interested in joining in! I joked to a friend that I felt like it was my "Farewell Tour." He set me straight. I should know better than to say those things out loud! ;)

Glorious day here in the Pacific NW! 70 degrees. Clear. Sunny. Beautiful fall colors. Perfect!!!!

Hope you all have a glorious week! Enjoy the beauty of fall!!!!

xoxox
Shauna

CA125 update

2008-10-21T10:06:00.000-07:00

Last month I was at 32.
Normal is 35 or below.
Here is the note my onocologist sent me:

Hi, the CA 125 was stable at 37.

JL

Not sure why it's gone up. Need to ask her that. She seems to think it's stable, but I still worry as I only have 1 round of the FOLFOX left and then we were maybe going to take a month off and start again with something. Worried this will mess with my month off. I NEED it so badly. Dec. would be a good month to have off wouldn't it???

My billirubin results were slightly improved and not in normal range but she's not as concerned about liver function now. But I do need to retest in a week. So now I'm worried about that too. :(

Off to meet Paris at Borders and then to Spencer's Catlin Gabel playoff game @ Catlin @ 415pm!
Need a dose of my coffee drink to get me thru the rough patch.

Cheers!
xoxo
Shauna

Is it the Weekend Yet????

2008-10-19T21:53:00.001-07:00

Friday Spencer's Catlin Gabel 8th Grade team lost to OES, but made the playoffs and they play on Tuesday and again later in the week if they keep winning.

Saturday, Kaelin's Red Magic U12 team won 6-1, playing keepaway for most of the game since they have the 5 goal mercy rule.

Spencer's U14 Modocs team won both of their games on Saturday with Spencer scoring a goal and setting up a couple others with assists.

Saturday night I lost my mind and let Spencer invite five 13 yr old boys over for a sleepover. 2 couldn't come, so there were 3 that came over and played Dungeons and Dragons and Video Games and ate pizza, caesar salad and cookies n cream ice cream until midnight! Only 2/3 could sleep over so they stayed up and read Mangas (Japanese comic books/graphic novels you read back to front) until 1am!!! We got up at 9am and made them French Toast and fresh berries before sending them on their way at 11am.

At which point we left to celebrate Ali's Birthday with the Red Magic team at the Portland Pilots vs Pepperdine soccer game! Happy 11th Bday Ali!!! Hopefully her parents will share the group photo of the girls with Olympic Gold Medalist, Stephanie Cox! It was fun to run into the Catlin Gabel 4th grade girls team at the same game! Kaelin would love to play with her classmates, but they wouldn't let her play on both teams and she's been with the Red Magic in soccer and hoops since 2005.

After the game we sped off to make it to Spencer's U14 Modoc's tournament game, which they lost to a very good team 4-0, but placed in 2nd place overall.
Didn't get home until 6pm! Whew! Made dinner while Spencer did his homework (watching the debate online) and then playing catchup with dishes, laundry, emails, photo uploads, blogs etc!

This week is another crazy week with soccer games on Tues, Wed and probably Thurs (if they win). Halloween parties on both Friday and Saturday nights, 3 soccer games on Saturday, but nothing scheduled for Sunday so far! Woo Hoo!

Tomorrow I'm getting my blood retested (high billirubin from last week). I need to find out my CA125 results too. I'm having lunch with the Catlin Gabel soccer moms on Monday and doing curb duty at school on Tuesday, along with providing snacks for the boys soccer team before their game. I've got a followup appt. with my gyn/oncological surgeon on Wed, and hope to get to my support group afterwards since it's in the same hospital. Friday Spencer's off school again and we have his conference and I volunteered to provide food for the teachers luncheon and to help clean up. I have my writing workshop in the morning and it's going to be a LONG day/night!

We've got our costumes figured out for the Halloween parties:
I've always wanted to be a princess and now I have hair like Snow White so why not?

Kaelin's going as a soldier from the video game "Halo." That's my girl. Sorry I don't have a photo of her to share. It got lost along the way. For the last several years she's been a red Power Ranger, Spiderman, a Jedi Knight, Bobafet from Star Wars and a Ninja. Someone's gotta be the princess and since that will never happen with my little girl, it's no wonder I want to dress up like one myself! Us gals gotta represent!!!

The scariest costume of all is Spencer's! He told me he wasn't dressing up or going trick or treating and then when we were shopping for mine and Kaelin's costumes in the Adult section, he spied this gem of a costume...

Dipsy from the Telatubbies!!!! His whole aim is to embarrass his friends. I think that he's going to embarrass himself and the rest of his family more!!! LOL I can just see him walking through the neighborhood with a whole line of kids trailing behind him like the Pied Piper. LOL That's my boy. ?????? Last year he was a bunch of grapes with purple balloons pinned all over him. He's gotta keep up his image as the goofy, funny one at school that makes everyone laugh I guess???

So I've rambled long enough. Really rambled. I'm going to blame it on lack of sleep!!!

I hope you all have a rockin' Monday! Woo Hoo no chemo for me this week! I'm going to party like a rockstar!!!

xoxox
Shauna

Favorite Foto Friday

2008-10-17T21:21:00.000-07:00

Photos from Grandma's Pumpkin Patch 2007

Today was a GLORIOUS Pacific Northwest day! It was 74 degrees, clear and sunny. The {perfect} day!

Stay tuned for writings from my writing workshop and photos from the 8th Grade Catlin Gabel Soccer team, who lost to cross town rivals OES 3-1 today.

Also, brace yourself for photos of my children's {Halloween} costumes.

We have 3 soccer games tomorrow, maybe a sleepover, and a soccer game to play and the Portland Pilots women's soccer game to watch on Sunday. So more photos to follow!!!

I'm spent. Goodnight!

xoxox
Shauna

Weekly Wrap Up on Thursday

2008-10-16T16:17:00.000-07:00

Kaelin got her hand stepped on playing goalie at recess on Monday. It was all swollen and black and blue and was the hand she broke last winter, so we went and got it X-rayed today. The doc didn't think it was broken but said she wasn't a hand specialist, so she'd have someone else look at it and get back to us. I'm thinking it's ok. Hoping so anyways.

Chemo Monday drug on forever and ever. I had an 11:30am appt. with the doc, but got in to see her late as they were behind schedule. Which put chemo behind schedule. I was there from 11:15-5:15pm. Sigh. The doctor said this was 11/12 rounds for this cycle, but that she didn't want to give me a break because of what happened last time they did that - my numbers went up and the cancer came back. So she said we could keep going with what we were doing (and going more than 12 rounds) or we could switch to something else, maybe an oral chemo in the form of pills (different side effects). Not what I wanted to hear. One of my blood tests came back high, my liver something or other. She's a bit concerned about that and wants me to go in on Monday and retest. If it's still high, she thinks we should do another US as she's still concerned about my gall bladder. After round 12, I will get another CT scan to see where I stand. I am SO !@#$%^&*()_+ sick of chemo, ct scans and blood tests! I want to feel and be normal again!!!! ARgh!!!! Not sure how long I can keep this song and dance up. It is SO FLIPPIN OLD I TELL YA! Was so glad to get unhooked from my pump yesterday and shower and move around and sleep freely without a stupid leash. Grrrr...sour grapes!

Monday I was so excited to use my 20% off coupon at REI and buy a warm, fuzzy, cozy, waterproof pair of Sorrell boots to keep my toesies warm during outdoor soccer season!!!! :)

I have a confession to make. I've missed my Support Group meetings (every Wed 11-1230pm) for the last several months. Ever since Betsy and Etta died. I can't bring myself to go. And I love my support groups. I wouldn't miss it for the world before. I just am not strong enough emotionally to handle sitting in there right now. It breaks my heart. I've also been so tired and not able to get up and get there on time. Plus, I've been hooked up to stupid Fillup the chemo pump. Really messes with a girls social schedule ya know?

What else? Spencer went to a sleepover last weekend so DAve, Kaelin and I went and saw the movie, "The City of Ember". It was too dark and depressing for me. Haven't been seeing a lot of movies lately. Costs a fortune! Geez. Lots of good ones coming out in November though!

Haven't been watching much TV lately either. Or reading. Not sure what I've been doing really except running around back and forth from practices and games etc. Doing a lot of laundry with uniforms. Seems these chemo weeks every other week are really making my housekeeping, paperwork, grocery shopping, domestic stuff challenging! I am getting farther and farther behind. Can't ever catch up. I seem to have less and less energy as the weeks go by too. Last cycle, I only made it thru 11 rounds. But that was with the nasty Oxcilliplatin that they had to nix because I developed an adverse reaction to it. Anyways, I am tired, old and fat. This darn cancer makes me feel/look/seem like I'm 40 years older than I am. It's like I'm an 80 yr old woman most of the time! For proof, next time you see me, check out my curly locks. It's like I have an old lady curly perm. :( Sigh. What is a girl to do????? I'll probably just lose it again anyways, so that will solve that.

Ok, this turned into a pity post. Sorry. :(

Tomorrow Spencer is off school again. We need to go get his passport for his Japan trip in March and then I have my writing group, which I am so looking forward to and missed last week cuz I had to take a mini vacation! Spencer also plays cross town rival OES in soccer. Excited for that. He's doing great and having a fab season in Catlin soccer!

Ok, off I go to nap before we head out to gym etc.

Have a great weekend! Make it count!!

xoxox
Shauna

It's a Zoo Out there!

2008-10-13T21:14:00.000-07:00

We spent the weekend at soccer games, overnights with Dungeon and Dragons games and a trip to the zoo to see the baby elephant Samudra. Here are some photos from our weekend:

Chemo Monday was a long one. I was there from 11:15am - 5:15pm and then was sent home with the chemo pump, "Fillup". I'll be glad to get rid of him tomorrow. Really glad.

A couple more Catlin Gabel 8th grade soccer games this week and games this weekend, along with Kaelin going to the Portland Pilots Women's soccer game with her Red Magic Team on Sunday and a get together for the 4th Grade Parents that night. As usual, too many places to go and people to see and not enough time and bodies to divide and conquer!

I hope your week is filled with fabulous fun times!

xoxox
Shauna

p.s. anyone play Fantasy Football? I usually dominate and this year I have Colston, Boldin and Westbrook, who all are great players, but they are also all hurt! It's killing me and I've only won 1 game all season so far! At least I'm second place in the neighborhood Pickem League. Gotta look on the positive side. Gotta let the boys win sometimes I guess....

I HATE CHEMO MONDAYS

2008-10-13T09:58:00.000-07:00

That pretty much sums it up.

Hope everyone else has something to look forward to this Monday!

xoxox
Shauna

p.s. Have soccer photos of Spencer's 3 games this last weekend and photos of the baby elephant at the zoo to share when I get a chance!

Playing Catch Up

2008-10-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Or at least trying very hard to.

I've been feeling so very overwhelmed lately. There is so much to do and not enough time. EVER. Don't want to spend my time doing those kinds of things though. Would rather run away from them and life most of the time. Run away to coffee and lunch with friends. To the movies. Shopping. Anywhere but here, in this place of cancer. Sigh.

Not run away from all of life, but the hard parts you know? Wish I had a fairy godmother to wave her magic wand, clean my house, go grocery shopping, pay the bills, cook dinner, deal with the clutter that is taking over my house like the cancer inside me. !@#$%^&* cancer. Show your face you coward!!!! Ok, having one of those days/weeks. Where I'm feeling woe is me. Sorry. Dave's been out of town in Texas all week and he's my sunshine. So feeling a little blue. The sun will come out again tonight after I pick him up. :)

I intended to get so much done this week. How come that never works out as planned? Things come up, schedules get changed, kids forget things that I have to go out of my way to take to school, friends invite me to lunch, there are soccer games to watch. You name it.

When I did finally find the time, and my inlaws were so very kind enough to take my kids for the few days they were off school, I sat down in my house and looked around and didn't know where to start. How to start. Why to start. I just felt so overwhelmed. And uncomfortable in my own home. And my own skin. I wanted to run away to Reno!

So what did I do? I packed a bag and checked into a hotel for the night and took a "mini vacation". And ya know what? It did wonders. A hot bath, a good nights/morning/afternoon sleep and no distractions. Just what the doctor ordered. Now hopefully I can get back on track and tackle the mess that is our life.

So to start, I'm posting photos from last weekends soccer tourneys/league games (all 7 of them!!!)

Spencer played two league games with his U14 team, The Modocs on Saturday and one Kohl's Cup Tourney game on Sunday. The tourney runs several Sundays through October. They tied 1-1. He also had games on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday with his Catlin Gabel School 8th Grade Soccer team. Can't remember all of the scores, but they won 10-1 on Tuesday and 11-1 on Wednesday I think. He's really starting to get his passion and love back for the game, along with his confidence. He's calling for the ball and making moves and going for it. Which is so nice to see. We measured him this week on the wall in the hallway where we've been marking the kids growing progress and believe it or not, the kid has grown about 2" in the last month alone!! Kaelin too. Wow!
Kaelin's U11 Red Magic Team won the West Linn U12 Tourney!
Even though it can be cold and WET, I love watching my kids play soccer. I'd face anything to sit there and watch them play the game they love and do well at it. Makes my heart smile. :)

HOpe you all have a weekend that will make your hearts smile too!

We have 3 soccer games on Sat, 1 on Sunday and Spencer's having an overnight and game of Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday. Fun stuff! It was fun for the kids to have Thurs/Fri off of school too. The 8th grade boys went to Laserport on Thursday and had a blast playing Laser TAg and were nice enough to let Kaelin play too! Fun to talk to the moms too.

Enjoy!
xoxo
Shauna