Another Step...

well, here's another big step for me as i finally was able to get shauna's beautiful headstone finished and placed at her grave site...i am really happy with how it turned out!

Shanua Pays a Visit!

recently, i was watching spencer play a soccer game at catlin and i noticed a beautiful site to the east overlooking the soccer field. i'm pretty sure it was shauna because i know how much she loved to watch her kids play sports :-)

here's a picture of what i saw and it was nice to see her!!!

where do i go from here?

in the summer of 2006, shauna called me to let me know she was having abdominal pains and that i should meet her at the hospital...that day set in motion a series of events that forever changed the lives of so many people.

i originally created this blog for shauna so she could share her thoughts, and for people to keep track of her condition. i believe she used it for that purpose and i understand she wrote some pretty amazing pieces (i still can't bring myself to read them yet).

i don't want to clutter this site with a bunch of junk from my head, and i'm not very good at writing, but i feel like right now, this is the closest place i have to be near her. i can remember many nights when she would sit down and pour her heart and soul into her writings. i'm glad she had a place to share herself.

tonight on espn, they replayed the civil war football game from last season and i immediately thought of shauna and her final night! it was at about 5pm on december 3rd, 2009 when she took her last breath; an image that will live in my mind until the day i die.

on that night, everything became real for me! up until then, i tried very hard stay in the moment and to enjoy each and every day we had together, not allowing my mind to drift ahead to the time when she would leave for good. when that day finally arrived, i think the walls caved in on me hard as i quickly realized the best part of me was now gone forever!

i have always believed that life is far better when you have someone to share it with and i loved sharing myself and all that i had to offer with shauna. now i find myself alone...and it sucks!

and so, here i am, nearly 8 months later and to be honest, i feel pretty much today where i was on december 3rd. i've have cried more in the past 8 months than all of our entire 20 years together and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

there are many mornings when i get up and wonder how in the hell i'm going to get through another day? it seems like every day brings with it some kind of milestone from our years together, be it an anniversary, a birthday, mother's day, father's day, etc...right now, i don't feel like celebrating any of it. keep it all; i want no part of it because i don't have my best friend to share it with.

i hate to admit it, but i completely understand the line in the movie jerry maguire when he says "you complete me"! that's what shauna did for me and now that's gone and i find myself wondering far too often "where do i go from here?" i feel like the wind has been taken from my sails and i'm a boat that's adrift with no desire to start paddling; i wonder when or if that will change?

many have told me that time will help the pain and things will improve, but right now, i could care less! oh well, i guess another day has passed and maybe that's a good thing? all i know is that i miss my wife like hell and i sure hope things will get better someday!

Christmas Ornaments

Wonderful suggestion from Amy Forster, one of Shauna's friends: "I have an idea for friends of Shauna - Christmas time is such a hard time of year to lose a loved one. To help with this through the years I have a thought for her friends from all over the world to send a tree ornament from you about you, where you live or about how you knew Shauna. When the kids decorate the tree for years to come they will have ornaments in tribute to their mother of how much she was loved by all her friends. Wouldn't it be great if her 500+ facebook friends sent ornaments for the kids."

If you'd like to send an ornament, you can send it to the Immels @

13405 SW Lancewood Street
Beaverton OR 97008

Sign ups for helping with the Celebration of Life can be found at the lotsahelpinghands website.

Thanks,

Paris Dukes

ParisDukes@comcast.net

Celebration of Life

Shauna's Celebration of Life will be held on Sunday, January 3rd, 2010, 1:00PM at the Cabell Center, Catlin Gabel School, 8825 SW Barnes Road, Portland, OR.

More details to follow next week for food sign ups, etc.

Please contact Paris Dukes at parisdukes@comcast.net for more information.

Services

From the family:

Hi all - update on services. There will be 'family only' services in Portland & Seattle this weekend. Then, there will be a celebration of Shauna's life that will be open for everyone sometime in January. We'll post details about the celebration as soon as we have them (date, time, location). Thanks.

Shauna

Dear friends, Shauna passed away peacefully earlier this evening. We are grateful that her suffering is over. Thank you for all the support you have given her throughout her fight. We will post information about services when we know more. The family is requesting privacy at this time.

Fundraiser for Shauna

This is Shauna's friend, Paris. Shauna has asked me to post the following information on her blog.

I wanted to let you know about a book I have created on Shauna's behalf. It is an 8 1/2" x 11" soft-bound printed book that combines many of Shauna's amazing Galapagos photos with selected writings from her blog. Many of the writings are from her experience with Write Around Portland.

With her permission, I am selling copies of this book as a fundraiser for the Shauna Berglund-Immel Lifeline Fund. My cost for the book is $22 plus shipping (approx. $2). Any donation in addition to the $24 will be donated to Shauna.

This book has been a labor of love and a celebration of my friendship with Shauna. I would be greatly touched to share this book with all who love and support Shauna.

If you would like to order a book, please contact me via email:

parisdukes@comcast.net

You may make checks payable to me, Paris Dukes, or send payment via paypal at jandpdukes@comcast.net. My address is:

12235 SW Fulmar Terrace
Beaverton, OR 97007

I will forward any donations (not including the price of the book) to the Immel family as the orders come in.

Thank you for your continued support. Your donations will be greatly appreciated. Please contact me with any questions.

Fondly,
Paris

Hospice

So here I am. On hospice. But at home. Where my husband and my family are my caretakers. Wondering how I got here. Why I got here. Wanting to go back to how things were, even a few months ago. When I was free. Independent. A social butterfly. A soccer mom. On the go. Multitasking. Not being fed intraveniously, on a short leash because I have an NG tube hanging out of my nose, hooked up to a pump 24/7. Back to when I was just Shauna with stage 4 cancer, not Shauna, homebound on hospice. It's really cramping my style.

I've not settled in well. Into this lifestyle. I'm not used to being homebound. On a short leash. Going from the couch to my bed to the couch again. I've been angry. And depressed. Distracted. Unable to concentrate and enjoy things I used to. Like reading, blogging, writing, crossword puzzles, facebooking and the sort. I just don't find joy in them anymore. So I've been watching TV and too much of it. And it isn't pretty. Any of it really. It gets old really fast.

So there is no resting on hospice. You have a revolving door. They start calling you at 830am to make appointments and then a steady stream of hospice nurses, infusion nurses, chaplains, social workers, physical therapists, bath aides etc. visit you throughout the day and week. It gets quite tiring. Especially if you're not feeling well. Sleeping through the night is impossible, hooked up to TPN, my liquid diet, from 6pm until 1030am the next morning. Infused daily through my port in my chest. On top of being hooked up to the NG TUBE suction.

So that's my life lately. Exciting. NOT.

xoxoxox

Shauna

The Life Boat

The Life Boat
by Shauna Berglund Immel

Life is like a Cruise Ship.
Like the Carnival Line.
Exciting and fun.
Sailing over the waters with ease.
Without a care in the world.

Dolphins jump in the wake.
Like a marching band
leading a float in a parade.

Waves break against the bough (bow?)
Turning water into mist
like confetti falling.
Dancing in the salty air
like fairies in flight.

I stand at the helm,
taking in the beauty of the beyond
and pondering the endless possibilities
as far as the eye can see
Like the ocean.
The places I can go.
The things I can see.

I breathe in the scent of the sea
slowly
Savoring the salty aroma

The salt air tickles my face
as we sail head on into the wind.
Full speed ahead.

But the ocean
and Mother Nature,
like life,
are unpredictable.

Clouds move in like shadows
as the solitude of the still blue sky
turns to chaos.

The wind,
once a soft, warm breeze,
picks up speed
and the wet sprinkles on your face,
which once felt like soft kisses
now sting like a swarm of bees.

The seas swell
and the ocean waves,
once like a steady, mesmerizing heartbeat
Slap the side of the ship with force
Tossing it around
like a toy ship at odds
with a raging, swirl of sea.
So small and fragile.

No match for the strenght of the sea,
The ship takes on water
Like the weight of the world.
Beginning to go under.
Sinking deeper into the abyss.

Until all that is left
is but a tiny rowboat
adrift in the storm.

I read this tonight at the Write Around Portland Anthology Release Party They needed more footage of me for a documentary they are working on. It's always nice to participate in those readings. It's a great organization that does so much for the community

Wasn't feeling well today. Very nauseous and feels like increased fluid in my abdominal area. A lot of pressure in my rib area, like when I had it before and they took me away in the ambulance. I know better than to do that again! Also got some bad news. My daughter's teacher was diagnosed with breast cancer. Which means she will be gone for part of the year to deal with all that entails. It just seems like we can't get away from this. My son's middle school home room teacher/advisor was diagnosed with cancer in 7th grade, both of her gymnastics coaches were diagnosed and one ended up passing away. We miss Irina. Kaelin's reaction was "Everyone has cancer." and then she listed all of the people, including me. What is going on? Why is it following us wherever we go. Bringing up bad memories and feelings. We just can't seem to catch a break and get a breather from it. It is very prominent in our life. Where before I was diagnosed, Irina was the only one we knew. I feel like I bring bad karma wherever i go. Is it me???? It breaks my heart that these people now have to deal with this disease too. When will someone find a cure?? We need one. And soon. Sigh.

My mom bought a new Mac Book Pro laptop, so I am back in the blogging business, photos and all! I have so much catching up to do! I will leave you with a photo of the day from my Galapagos Trip, which was heaven on earth. Enjoy! xoxoxo Shauna

photo of me at the Equator in Quito, Ecuador

You Saved Me

I went and saw the movie "Julie & Julia" tonight. Have you seen it yet? It's a movie that cuts back and forth between the story of two wome, Julia Child and a woman named Julie who is tired of herself, her life, her friends and her job and who has lost her passion. She starts a blog and then cooks her way through Julia Child's cookbook in 365 days.

First of all, Meryl Streep is BRILLIANT as Julia Child. What an actress that woman is!

Second of all, I could really relate to the character, Julie, whose husband has the idea to start a blog and helps her set it up (mine did the same for me!) and then who encourages her along the way. Through the process of blogging, she finds herself, her life, her passion and her joy as she connects with her blog readers and realizes that she needs them, just as much as they need her! She realizes her blog saved her.

I experienced this very same thing when I was diagnosed with cancer and began my blog. It became my friend. My companion. Always ready to listen and encourage. And once people began commenting and supporting me, and telling me I inspire them, it was like a drug. I needed it just as much as my readers needed me. It gave me a place to share my fears, my joy, my journey. It saved me from falling into that great black abyss of grief and depression. It gave me purpose. It turned a negative into a positive. I was helping people!

So thank you for being here. For visiting me and my blog. For listening. Caring. For saving me.

What a reminder of why I started the blog and the joy I get from writing.

xoxoxoxoxox
Shauna

I've been honored as a Top Health Blogger!

You will notice in the upper right hand corner of my blog that I have a new exclusive badge to recognize me as one of the web's leading health bloggers! I was invited to join Wellsphere's HealthBlogger Network. the world's premier network of health writers, including over 2,500 of the Web's leading health bloggers! They carefully reviewed my blog, and based on the high quality of my writing, the frequency of my posts, and my passion for helping others, they thought I would be a great addition to their community! Wellsphere has more than 5,000,000 monthly unique visitors. They will be promoting me and my blog as a great source of health knowledge and support, featuring me in rotation on their homepage, republishing my posts and linking back to my blog. with the connection to the Wellsphere platform, the audience for my postings will be greatly expanded and it will attract additional readers to my blog, as I receive recognition for my efforts to improve people's lives.

Wellsphere is the fastest-growing consumer health website, and is revolutionizing the way people find and share health and healthy living information and support. They recently merged with the Health Central Network, Inc, and together they are serving more than 10 million people a month!

I am very honored to be a part of this community and look forward to this journey together.

Thank you all for the continued support! I couldn't do this without you all.
xoxoxoxo

A Numbers Game

So I got my CA125 results back. This blood marker, and the fluid seen in my monthly CT scans are the only things that my doctors have to watch. Unfortunately, my numbers are trending upwards, not what you want to see. 35 and below is normal.

Here is my latest history:

5/20/09 105
6/11/09 97
7/6/09 144
7/26/09 151
8/9/09 183

The highest mine has ever been was 176ish just after diagnosis and before major surgery. Lowest it has ever been is 22, right after my major surgery.

Always a bit confusing because it seems when my numbers peak, is when I feel and look (or so people say) my best. I just can't figure this cancer out. Hard to fight something that makes no sense. I wish they would hurry up and find a cure already. I could sure use one about now.

xoxoxoxo

Staying Positive. Or at least trying to.

I posted on Facebook about being on chemo Monday from 830am-5pm and then having to get hooked up to the chemo pump for the next 46 hours.

Shauna Berglund Immel has escaped from the Chemo Suite and is on the run
with "Fillup", my chemo pump for the next 46 hours. Oh boy we're gonna have
some
fun. NOT.

My friend Ahn: Trust you to come up with a funny name for your chemo pump!
You're incredible, how do you always stay so positive?

My resonsponse: It's better than being miserable. When you have a limited amount of time, do you want to enjoy it or be miserable? I have my moments! Ask my family! Escapes help: playdates, movies, coffee dates, lunches, books, support groups, journaling classes, etc. Facebook! Contact with friends. The support I receive is so overwhelming, I can't help but be positive back.

It's not easy. It totally sucks. I get up every single morning and look for my happy face hanging in my closet to put on. And my cape. Usually on the floor needing ironing. I wouldn't do this for anyone but my kids. Not myself. Not my husband. It's so freaking hard and it doesn't get any easier. Only harder.

See, I'm not always positive!

Your Absentee Blogger

I apologize for my disappearance. Both my PC and my laptop have been down, and updating my blog from my PDA phone seems impossible and so cumbersome. I am making it a goal to post at least once a day as long as I'm feeling well to keep you all up to date and in the know with my treatment and life! I know a lot of you are following me on Facebook (Shauna Berglund Immel), but I also know a lot of you are not in that world yet. So I apologize for keeping you in the dark the last several months.

I am hanging in there. My numbers have creeped back up. CA125 normal is 35 or below. Last blood draw (last week) was up to 155. My oncologist was giving me a month of treatment (FOLFOX = oxciliplatin, avastin and 5FU in the pump) to see if it would come back down. I meet with her on Monday and have my next round. I'm going every other week now. It gets very old!

I've lost 40# since my trip to the Galapagos Islands (May 7). My digestive system is so messed up and I haven't been able to eat or drink much and keeping it down is also a chore at times. Luckily I had it to lose and more, but being a cancer/chemo patient, losing weight isn"t always a good thing (or so my doctor tells me!). I also think that when they stopped the steroids (had a bad episode where they ODed me on Steroids and I went into drug induced psychosis?), it caused me to let go of some of the bloated look that goes along with them.

I've been living life large, and in full color during my good weeks and hanging low during the bad chemo weeks. But I'm grateful for the good weeks and the perspective I have gained on priorities, etc through this journey.

All of my photos are on my pc, which is down at the moment, so I'm going to have trouble posting photos for a bit. Please be patient with me as I ease back into this blogging addiction! I must say I have missed it and you all!

Thanks for being there for me and checking in on me and being so patient! It's good to be back among the posting!

xoxoxoxox
Shauna

I'm back!

The Galapagos rocked! The travel was excellent. I felt phenomenal! Hiked and snorkeled with penguins, sea lions, sharks and turtles! Amazing!! There are no words! It was truly The Enchanted Islands! HOpefully someday soon I'll get some photos up. They upload so slow. One at a time. :( Easier for me on facebook. If you are on Facebook , I'm Shauna Berglund Immel. I have started a Galapagos album there.

Happy Birthday to my 14 year old son Spencer today! May 21st! Took him to Sushi Boat for dinner, his favorite!

Good news...my CA125 has improved!

5/20 105
4/22 146
4/1 127

Normal is 35 or less. At least I'm finally trending toward the right direction. Wish me luck!

Went in for oncologist appt. today. Was going to do 3rd round of Folfox, which I'm allergic to the Oxcillaplatin portion of it. Had the last two rounds from hell, so not looking forward to this one. First round I ODed on Steroids. 2nd round I was taken away in an ambulance because I was underdosed and had a reaction (chills, vomiting and 103+ fever. Not good with no immune system). So I'm nervous.

Anyways, they have to administer it thru my port over 6+ hours, and they ran out of time today because they had to close for a staff meeting at 4pm. They usually close 530 or 6. or when we are done. So they premedicated me, but couldn't give me the big nasty oxy drug. So tomorrow I go in at 730am for my oxy. Oh the joys of chemo. Ugh. So cross your heart, toes, eyes, fingers, legs, arms and whatever else is crossable!

I'm off to bed now. Will try and keep you more updated now. I have a gazillion photos to go thru, so they will arrive here slowly and in small doses. Maybe I'll have a photo of the day.

Cheers! xoxoxo
Shauna

National Geographic Ship Blog

Ok, so while I am on my trip, they will keep a blog of our daily activities and some photos from our excursions where you can check in and keep track of us!!!

Galapagos Islands Trip Blog

You'll need to know the dates of our trip and the name of our boat

We fly into Ecquador May 7th and spend the day there the next day. I think we are on the ship starting May 9th for 9 days.

The name of the ship is The National Geographic Endeavour (spelled the Brittish way!)

Enjoy following along until I can return with my own photos!!!

xoxoxooxox
Shauna

OMG I'm Alive!!!!!

Barely though! Had two horrible episodes with the oxcilliplatin that they added back in (I'm allergic to it). I'll have to fill you in later. I promise I will get back to blogging!!!! I've been a little distracted with the immediate gratification of Facebook, surviving drug induced psychosis, taking rides in ambulances, having LOADS of FUN and getting ready to leave for Equador and the Gallapagos Islands Thursday at 4:15am!!!! So I will be out of the country for 10 days!!! I will come back with magnificent photos and stories and hopefully my hubby will post some updates for me while I'm gone!!!! Email him to remind him!! dave@daveimmel.com

Bon Voyage my dear friends!!!! xoxoxooxo
Shauna

Chemo Cancer Catch up

Had a cat scan last friday. My doc called me same day, which is unusual. had blood tests too. CA125 back up. 147 down to 114 and now up to 127. normal is 35 or less. cat scan showed increased fluid in ab area, where before. not good sign. supposed to go to galapagoes islands may 7th, so she decided to get aggressive and beat it down before i go. so monday was a long day of my BIG NASTY chemo back in the arsenol. i was there from 9am - 645pm. slow drip cuz i'm allergic to it. i'm struggling this week big time. tryiing to get over this chemo fog. it's sooo bad. been in bed sleeping since tuesday. can't pull oout. any stimulation at all is excruiating. no sound. no tv. no reading. no music. no talking. no fb. no texting. i just want to curl up and die. sometimes that seems easier. so overwhelmed with easter and class trips and class birthdays and class plays and i have no idea how i'm going to get anythinig done for mytrip or anyone's stuff. i can't function or focus. i'm hoping i turn the corner in the next day or two. i just can't handle any more. sorry to whine. just be patient with me. oh, another lady from my support group died yesterday, sara. :( cancer sucks.

heeeeeeeee's back!!!!!!!

Wearing the same clothes he left in. Just looks a little more haggard. Thinner. Taller. Definately stinkier! LOL He is soooo glad to be home and I'm so glad to have him home!

First thing out of his mouth "I'm hungry! Can we stop and get some food?" He wants pizza, cheese burgers, ice cream. He missed American food!

Next thing out of his mouth "Is Simba in the car?" He was very happy to see Simba and vice versa.

So we stopped at the airport Starbucks and got him a cinnamon roll and an icetea/lemonade. Then we stopped and got him an oreo shake! It's cheeseburgers for lunch and pizza for dinner! I guess he's been living off of Sushi and noodles. He looks thin to me! Gotta fatten him up!

He's now had a long, hot shower, washed his hair and put on clean, fresh jammies. He's sitting on the couch, playing video games. Tired, but not wanting to go to bed. I think he's happy to be home. Of course he's tired, it's tomorrow in Japan! It's like 4am there or something. He's been up all night traveling. Long flight!

We went through his bag and he got out all of the souveneirs and goodies from his backpack. He was very excited to give Kaelin her stuff. So sweet of him. He's being very extra sweet to me, telling me "thanks for picking me up mom. Thanks for the cinnamon roll. Thanks for this, for that." It's so nice to have my baby boy home and in a good mood, not all teenagery!!! Remind me of this when I start complaining about his attitude again in a few days!! ;)

Thanks again to all who helped make this trip possible and who gifted him spending money. He had a wonderful time and wonderful memories and he's made some good friends with kids in his class that he wasn't as close to before. He's come back a changed boy and we are so glad to have him back!!!!

xoxxoxox
Shauna

P.S. On a sad note, Kaelin's gymnastics coach, Irina, died yesterday of cancer. She deserves her own post, so I will save that for tomorrow to honor her, as tomorrow is her memorial service. She is up with the angels now but she will forever be in our hearts and souls. xoxoxo