Saturday, July 10, 2010

where do i go from here?

in the summer of 2006, shauna called me to let me know she was having abdominal pains and that i should meet her at the hospital...that day set in motion a series of events that forever changed the lives of so many people.

i originally created this blog for shauna so she could share her thoughts, and for people to keep track of her condition. i believe she used it for that purpose and i understand she wrote some pretty amazing pieces (i still can't bring myself to read them yet).

i don't want to clutter this site with a bunch of junk from my head, and i'm not very good at writing, but i feel like right now, this is the closest place i have to be near her. i can remember many nights when she would sit down and pour her heart and soul into her writings. i'm glad she had a place to share herself.

tonight on espn, they replayed the civil war football game from last season and i immediately thought of shauna and her final night! it was at about 5pm on december 3rd, 2009 when she took her last breath; an image that will live in my mind until the day i die.

on that night, everything became real for me! up until then, i tried very hard stay in the moment and to enjoy each and every day we had together, not allowing my mind to drift ahead to the time when she would leave for good. when that day finally arrived, i think the walls caved in on me hard as i quickly realized the best part of me was now gone forever!

i have always believed that life is far better when you have someone to share it with and i loved sharing myself and all that i had to offer with shauna. now i find myself alone...and it sucks!

and so, here i am, nearly 8 months later and to be honest, i feel pretty much today where i was on december 3rd. i've have cried more in the past 8 months than all of our entire 20 years together and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

there are many mornings when i get up and wonder how in the hell i'm going to get through another day? it seems like every day brings with it some kind of milestone from our years together, be it an anniversary, a birthday, mother's day, father's day, etc...right now, i don't feel like celebrating any of it. keep it all; i want no part of it because i don't have my best friend to share it with.

i hate to admit it, but i completely understand the line in the movie jerry maguire when he says "you complete me"! that's what shauna did for me and now that's gone and i find myself wondering far too often "where do i go from here?" i feel like the wind has been taken from my sails and i'm a boat that's adrift with no desire to start paddling; i wonder when or if that will change?

many have told me that time will help the pain and things will improve, but right now, i could care less! oh well, i guess another day has passed and maybe that's a good thing? all i know is that i miss my wife like hell and i sure hope things will get better someday!