Saturday, July 10, 2010

where do i go from here?

in the summer of 2006, shauna called me to let me know she was having abdominal pains and that i should meet her at the hospital...that day set in motion a series of events that forever changed the lives of so many people.

i originally created this blog for shauna so she could share her thoughts, and for people to keep track of her condition. i believe she used it for that purpose and i understand she wrote some pretty amazing pieces (i still can't bring myself to read them yet).

i don't want to clutter this site with a bunch of junk from my head, and i'm not very good at writing, but i feel like right now, this is the closest place i have to be near her. i can remember many nights when she would sit down and pour her heart and soul into her writings. i'm glad she had a place to share herself.

tonight on espn, they replayed the civil war football game from last season and i immediately thought of shauna and her final night! it was at about 5pm on december 3rd, 2009 when she took her last breath; an image that will live in my mind until the day i die.

on that night, everything became real for me! up until then, i tried very hard stay in the moment and to enjoy each and every day we had together, not allowing my mind to drift ahead to the time when she would leave for good. when that day finally arrived, i think the walls caved in on me hard as i quickly realized the best part of me was now gone forever!

i have always believed that life is far better when you have someone to share it with and i loved sharing myself and all that i had to offer with shauna. now i find myself alone...and it sucks!

and so, here i am, nearly 8 months later and to be honest, i feel pretty much today where i was on december 3rd. i've have cried more in the past 8 months than all of our entire 20 years together and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

there are many mornings when i get up and wonder how in the hell i'm going to get through another day? it seems like every day brings with it some kind of milestone from our years together, be it an anniversary, a birthday, mother's day, father's day, etc...right now, i don't feel like celebrating any of it. keep it all; i want no part of it because i don't have my best friend to share it with.

i hate to admit it, but i completely understand the line in the movie jerry maguire when he says "you complete me"! that's what shauna did for me and now that's gone and i find myself wondering far too often "where do i go from here?" i feel like the wind has been taken from my sails and i'm a boat that's adrift with no desire to start paddling; i wonder when or if that will change?

many have told me that time will help the pain and things will improve, but right now, i could care less! oh well, i guess another day has passed and maybe that's a good thing? all i know is that i miss my wife like hell and i sure hope things will get better someday!


mamabird said...

Dave, I was so glad to be able to come over to your house last week and have dinner together. It meant a lot to me that you all invited us over. I have no idea what you're going through but I'm so glad you wrote this piece and shared with us this small part of your ache and your journey. I read Shauna's blog all the time, I never really wrote back to her but I thought about her every day. I still read the blog from time to time and marvel and her strength, clarity and wisdom. in love, Laurel

Anonymous said...

You keep on doing exactly what you have been doing and what she did... you put one foot in front of the other and embrace each day, no matter what it brings. You love those that mean the most to you and keep on fighting forward. She hated to leave you, but she trusted that you would be okay and you are. Some days you are not okay and that is just fine.

Each of those powerful memories are all signs of a long and loving life together. As tough as each of them can be, I am so glad you both were blessed to share them.

Big hugs and much love to you, my friend. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. It is nice to be able to reach out to you.


Soochal said...

Dave - as someone who also lost a spouse and true partner-in-life, I can tell you it is terribly sad and terribly hard to continue with your days when they seem so empty. My husband has been gone for nearly two years and I do still cry every day. BUT I can honestly tell you that there are some days when the tears are because of a happy memory or because I know he'd be proud that I am carrying on without him. I still work hard in the fight to cure cancer as I did with my husband for many years despite sometimes wanting to stop - because I know it's what Charlie would want me to do. I wake up thinking of him, I go to sleep thinking of him - and despite the pain of his loss, I will never regret having the years I did with him, especially the years he was sick. In a way, cancer was a positive in our relationship - made us focus on the important things. Shauna and I discussed this - she felt the same way and I know you both lived each day to its fullest. Continue to do that for her, for your beautiful children.

When I lost my husband, Shauna was there for me across the miles (and the internet) with a positive word, a virtual hug, a shared tear. I hope I can do the same for you. If you need anything, please let me know.

I keep you and your family in my prayers.

Paris said...

Thinking of you and your family, Dave. This world will never be the same without our Shauna. I keep thinking it will get easier but it really doesn't. My days feel so empty without her. I know how much I hurt so I can only imagine the pain you feel. I'm sorry I have not been around... between the new job and barn, I sure don't get much free time. It has also been hard for me to be around people that remind me of her, ya know? Know that you are all in my thoughts and that I am here if you need anything. Please take care.

Jenn said...

I am so glad you shared and were able to post where you are at. I think of you and family as well and I pray for comfort and peace. You have such a community around you and people that will meet and walk with you where you are, even when it feels like you are being dragged. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

I came to this blog via an article in the Oregonian last week about your new position as the Southridge bball coach. Somehow I knew that the cause of your wife's death might be ovarian cancer, and as a ovarian cancer sufferer (currently in remission) I wanted to hear her to Google I went, and that is how I found this blog.
I have spent the last few hours reading Shauna's postings, and am so struck by what a talented writer, a very brave and spirited woman, and a wonderful mom she was. You have lost so much, this is clear.
I hope that you can, when you are ready, move forward with your life...enjoying your children, your exciting new role as Southridge's bball coach and someday, finding love again...
I know that is what I want for my husband when it is my time to go.

Be well and happy,

Dave Scriven said...

Hi Dave. Thank you for sharing your heart. I was deeply touched by what you wrote.

Kelly said...

I cannot imagine your pain, but I pray for you and your family and hope that the sweet memories will eventually bring deep healing.

One day at a time.