Monday, January 19, 2009

Playing Catch Up and Guilty Pleasures

So I am feeling guilty for neglecting my blog lately for Facebook. I'm going to try very hard to check in daily or at least more than I have lately. Some of you may need to give me nudge or a POKE on Facebook to remind me to check in here on my blog so I can keep everyone up to date on my treatment etc.

I tend to be just "Shauna" on Facebook, and here on my blog, "Shauna with Cancer". My counselor and I discussed this whole guilty pleasure thing. It's an escape. A distraction. It's also a pain killer for me. Cancer has robbed me of so much of myself. Especially who I was and what I look like. Also memories. My memory isn't what it used to be thanks to Chemo Brain and surgical menopause. Reconnecting with so many friends from my past, from all phases of my life, gives me some of myself back. Through stories. Photos. It's like I'm rediscovering little pieces of myself here and there. I am in that phase right now where people and relationships are so important to me. Connecting with people makes me feel so alive. It is like a drug to me. I crave it. It dulls the pain. Anything to shut up the voices in my head and dull the pain has to be good, right?

I am on week 2 of my new Chemo regimen. I've been doing an oral chemo in the form of pills, 2x a day with food, 12 hours apart. I've experienced numbness in my hands and feet and some nausea, but mostly fatigue. So far so good. I've survived a whole week without too much trouble, but week 2 is supposed to be the hard week. We'll see how that plays out.

Tomorrow is my 43rd Birthday. There was a period of time there that I wasn't sure I'd even live to see 43. So I do not mind getting older at all. In fact, I like it. It means that I lived another year and had another year to love my friends and family and see my kids grow. I will celebrate each and every birthday like it was my Sweet 16, 18th or 21st. And I will look back and be grateful and thankful for another leg of my journey. My birthday just so happens to be on the inauguration of the new president, so everyone will be celebrating my birthday across the nation!! :) It is one for the making of history, that's for sure.

Let's see, what's been going on in our little world??

Dave: Southridge HS girls continue to win and are ranked #3 in state. He'll be celebrating my birthday with a game at home vs Westview tomorrow! Dave is also starting up a room with his Rockwell Day Trading tomorrow. He's really excited about that. You'll have to ask him what that means/entails though!

Spencer: Is being a typical teenage boy. His voice is starting to deepen and he's growing out of all of his clothes! He looks like he's wearing his 9 year old sister's clothes half the time! He's about 1/4 - 1/2 inch away from looking me in the eye. Yikes. He's still doing Tien Tae Jitsu Martial ARts and is getting ready to test for his Green belt. He spent his Saturday at a Bat Mitzvah and is very proud of himself for winning the dance contest by busting out his "Inch Worm". He also happened to be the last male standing in the Limbo contest. Which says a lot! lol

Kaelin: Is now juggling 4 sports at once. Not sure how we're going to pull this off. 3 of the sports are year round. She's doing hoops on a 5th grade team her dad coaches. The Sting. It's basically her soccer team using their hands and a basketball ball. Her entire soccer team went Classic, coach and all. So that has started again now that Indoor soccer is over and is year round. She's still doing Rhythmic Gymnastics and Acrobatics year round too. That's an awful lot for a 9 year old to juggle! I wish she wasn't so good at everything! If she had her choice, gymnastics would be the first to go. She missed competing last year due to a broken hand, and this year we weren't able to afford the meet fees and traveling, so she's just training. But she looks really good and is just gorgeous and elegant and graceful out there. Powerful jumper too. I love to watch her. I hate that we have to start specializing and choosing sports at such a young age. It doesn't help that she is playing above her age level, so it's more competitive and time consuming. I feel like I'm getting a lifetime of memories in through the process, but I know she can feel overscheduled at times. She really enjoyed the snowed in days. or weeks. LOL

Shauna: I'm really not doing much lately. Except Facebook! LOL I feel like I am behind in everything. I can't seem to get any energy going. Or motivation. I just have no get up and go. Seems we're late to everything because of me. I am avoiding everything. Putting it off. And I really can't do that. I don't have the time! I'm in a slump. It doesn't help with that underlying nausea etc. It really takes a lot out of you. I just can't even get started with anything. I am so overwhelmed.

I am scheduled to fly out with my friend Sheila on Thursday to San Francisco using her buddy pass. 3 of my best friends from UCLA are meeting us there! It will be the first time we've all been together since my wedding, July 30th, 1995. I hope I feel ok to travel and that I am able to go. I'm not getting too excited and I'm trying not to look forward to it so I don't get disappointed. I'm sure there are a lot of things I should be doing to get ready, but I just don't even want to start. I've got no fire in me left!!! Hate that. In the past, I'd have lists made, schedules organized, child care arranged. I've done NOTHING. How can I leave on Thursday??? Some one give me a swift kick in the rear please!!! It's really sad.

Ok, so now my blog entry has turned into a woe is me post. Didn't intend for that to happen. Think I'll go jump over to Facebook where I can get lost in playing the puzzles and games and talking about old times! LOL HOpefully I will have more exciting things to report soon!



Laura Nicholas said...

hey there - I am worn out now after reading your blog - no wonder you are worn out...

but hey, I am going to be flying out to AZ on thursday - what time is your flight? Mine is at 7am so will be going pretty early - need a ride?

Paris said...

Nothing wrong with escaping from your cancer life. I'm glad that FB gives you that. And a bonus to reconnect with others who love you so much :) If there is anything I can do to help you get ready for your trip or otherwise, I'm ready, willing and waiting :) Always here for you no matter what. I hope your birthday tomorrow is amazing and wonderful, just like you. Hope to be able to give you a birthday hug. I'll even try to stay up until midnight to give you birthday wishes on FB :) That's a big thing for me ;) lol Love you, p

JO said...

Hi Shauna:

I just got on my computer to update my blog since it has been over a week and I noticed you updated yours. Aren't we awful about not getting on it very often since we are on Facebook so much?! Even if I'm not writing on Facebook, I am reading what everyone is up to. Love it.

I really hope you get to go on your trip this weekend. Just leave and everyone can take care of themselves at home. You deserve some "girl time."

Hope you have a wonderful birthday tomorrow. I will be anxious to hear what you did. I have a card and will give it to you when I see you on Wednesday. We will be in Newberg so I will be driving from there to our meeting. Looking forward to seeing you.

I will be thinking about you tomorrow, special lady!

Love you, JO

Rachel said...

Hi Shauna

Happy birthday to you for tomorrow from Down under. God luck dealing with your side effects no woe is me your blog reads like you are a fighter and put up with so much, *hugs* to you from a lurker he he.

Caz said...

Hi Shauna,

Happy Birthday from another lurker from down-under. I turned 43 on the 18th of this month. No wonder I can relate to you in so many things.

I so hope that you are able to go on your trip. Keep us posted.

hugs, caz

KR said...

Hi Shauna -
yes, you can do the trip...maybe without good lists and stuff, but you'll do it. Now I am not nearly in your situation, but I identify with the woe is me part, at the moment. Do the best you can, clear your head, wake up in a different place on friday and see what happens. let us know.
Thinking of you...K

jillmingo said...

I think we will all agree that Facebook is like crack - you can't just take one little hit - you have to go to the sweet shop and send stuff, then you have to go see if you have found any new friends and then are sad about the ones who don't respond. Somedays I feel a Facebook intervention is necessary.

I will keep my fingers crossed and a prayer in my heart that this 2nd week of chemo is not too rough. You are always in my thoughts. And like you said, I am so happy that you are here to celebrate another birthday and will look forward to the next one!!!!

Nightscrapper said...

Happy Belated Birthday!