Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Chemo was a go...

All my blood work came back great, so they infused me with chemo on Monday. I'm feeling fine so far, it's usually Thursday on that I feel pretty bad. Just so many meds to stay on top of, along with those shots to recolonize my white blood cells.

I've been a worrywort lately, having some panic attacks in the middle of the night. So in turn, I haven't been sleeping really at all. I've been kind of "circling the drain" again lately, so I apologize if I don't seem myself or if I'm a Negative Nelly lately. There is just so much going on in our lives right now and we are all stressed and I feel so helpless and hopeless. I'm trying to work through it and past it, but sometimes I just get tired of getting up every morning and putting on my smiley face and pretending that all is well. It isn't, nor will it ever be well again. It just is what it is and I have to make the most of it. Doesn't mean I have to like it. I definately have my ups and downs and right now I'm feeling so overwhelmed with life stuff that I've been kind of withdrawing into myself and not able to answer emails and phone calls etc. like I'd like to. So please be patient with me. I promise I will try and get back to a good place soon. I just don't understand why life has to be so flipping hard on top of having cancer. You'd think the cancer would be enough for one person to handle. But you add all of the domino effects that it causes, and it just gets too much to handle. Why can't it be easy to make up for the hard stuff of the cancer? Alot of bad things have been happening to people I know and love lately too, which is weighing heavily on me. Friends getting diagnosed with cancer and others going through family and health crisis'. Financial burdens. Children's emotional well beings. It just gets to be too much and sometimes I just can't handle it all. It's too much. Too hard. Too scary. And too unfair. I can't take anymore. Especially since I'm stretched so thin from not sleeping at night because i'm worrying. And with the chemo on top of that. I can't help anyone, let alone myself. It's scary to think that.

I've been journaling a lot about fear lately. We even discussed it in our support group last week. I'm hoping to share some of those peices with you all in the next few days.

I'm still trying to work on my Christmas cards and get those out. And I've been spending a lot of time getting Kaelin ready for her overnights class trip. Kaelin leaves for her 3 day class trip to Whale Cove on the coast tomorrow. We have to have her at school at 730am. The packing list is always so long and specific and is probably more work for the parents than the kids. And we have to pack them a lunch with like 4 snacks. More to do!!! I'm almost looking forward to not feeling well from the chemo so I can have some days in bed to rest although I know I will regret saying that. Once you start feeling bad, you feel like you always will feel bad. Like you will never feel well again. EVER. And that's the worst feeling.

Ok, Negative Nelly here signing off...
Thanks for listening and being patient with me.
Love ya all.
xoxox
shauna

14 comments:

Paris said...

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. It is NOT fair. Nothing about it. Breaks my heart in a million pieces. I want to be able to fix it and I can't. Please know that I am here for you... for anything. You are such a good person... I am so proud of you for being so tough through all this. You are a fighter. Please take care of yourself. Please get some rest. I know it is hard to put yourself first, but you need to do that.

I just know everything will get better. Just has to.

Love you, p

Anonymous said...

Dear Shauna, we love you so and wish we could help you more, that's what friends and family are for. Life suxx at times and yet is so good at others. You are surrounded by a fabulous family, loving friends and a great dog! When all seems so dark, remember if you can that you have made and are making such a positive difference in so many of our lives. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things perfect, I truly do. Just remember how much you are loved and when things are the darkest, call on those who love you tons and we'll try to spread some sunshine.

Big hugs dear Shauna!

Jaci

Nightscrapper said...

Hugs to you sweetie! I'm thinking of you and sending you love and good wishes.

JO said...

Hi Shauna: I am sorry you are having a rough time now. But you know that we are all here for you and we will do anything we can to make your life easier and better. You are such a special person and you are loved by so many. Take care of yourself....get some sleep. Concentrate on YOU! Hope to see you tomorrow.

Love, JO

Rosalyn said...

Sending good thoughts your way, Shauna. Life can be so tough sometimes, and hard to figure out. Get lots of rest, bask in all the love your friends and family send you, keep on breathing. Love ya!

KK Designs said...

Hi Shauna

I'm an admirer of your work with HOTP, from New Zealand, and I've been keeping up with what's happening in your life. You are so blessed with lots of people who care and love you. And you are a fighter. Take Care.

Lots of hugs, KK

Anonymous said...

Hey Shauna,
I have been keeping up with you by reading your blog. Hang in there, you will have a better day soon. You need to focus on you. Try to worry about what you can fix and feel bad about the rest but not so bad that it drags you way down You are loved by so many of us. We are all thinking of you!
Sharon Premo

Laura Nicholas said...

Shauna - I am so sorry you are having a hard time. I can't even imagine all that you are going through. You have been putting up such a fight for so long - it has got to wear on you. It is going to get better, it just has to right? You are such a good person and I hate that bad things happen to good people. Something is just not right in the world with that. You have so many people behind you and we are here for whatever you need.

Love and hugs to you.
Laura

Soochal said...

Shauna, I can't imagine what it is like for you, but I believe you've been doing one hell of an awesome job! It sounds like you are surrounded by amazing, supportive friends and family - lean on them when you need to! I send you strength and love! -Sue

Jane said...

Shauna,
I read your words with much thought in this entry - you are right. I have thought the same thing many times - it is hard enough dealing with family/finances/life as it is, let alone with cancer too. To be honest I am really not sure how you do it - every time I see you, you look so positive and strong and I look at you in awe. I wish I were as strong as you, you really are inspirational you know.

Hope to see you soon.

Jane xoxox

Anonymous said...

Shauna -- I think of you often and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You need to let the rest of us carry the burden of your worries and you take care of yourself. You are surrounded by fabulous friends and family that love you like no other. Keep up the hope and believe in the future.

Love you!
Tonya Fodge

laura said...

i agree - it's NOT fair at all. and i am sorry that you are hurting so much right now. consider yourself HUGGED!!!

glad you were able to get your chemo though. i hope you are feeling ok tonight.

AND i hope kaelin has a GREAT time on her trip! :)

Shauna from MI said...

you don't know me at all, so i hope my leaving you a comment isn't out of turn. my name is also shauna and i live in macomb county, michigan. i stubled upon your blog by accident while i was goofing off on google.com. just thought i would leave you a comment and tell you i will include you in my prayers. i just watched my aunt go through colon cancer and couldn't believe how horrible it was for her. i've only read a few of your posts, but you seem like a very strong women. it sound like you have amazing support from all over the world. i wish you and your family all the best and hope you have a full recovery very soon. God Bless

Jean said...

You are right, Life isnt fair sometimes! You deserve to complain, kick, holler and scream. You'll feel better afterwards.
Know that you are in my heart and prayers always
hugs
Jean