Chemo was a go...

All my blood work came back great, so they infused me with chemo on Monday. I'm feeling fine so far, it's usually Thursday on that I feel pretty bad. Just so many meds to stay on top of, along with those shots to recolonize my white blood cells.

I've been a worrywort lately, having some panic attacks in the middle of the night. So in turn, I haven't been sleeping really at all. I've been kind of "circling the drain" again lately, so I apologize if I don't seem myself or if I'm a Negative Nelly lately. There is just so much going on in our lives right now and we are all stressed and I feel so helpless and hopeless. I'm trying to work through it and past it, but sometimes I just get tired of getting up every morning and putting on my smiley face and pretending that all is well. It isn't, nor will it ever be well again. It just is what it is and I have to make the most of it. Doesn't mean I have to like it. I definately have my ups and downs and right now I'm feeling so overwhelmed with life stuff that I've been kind of withdrawing into myself and not able to answer emails and phone calls etc. like I'd like to. So please be patient with me. I promise I will try and get back to a good place soon. I just don't understand why life has to be so flipping hard on top of having cancer. You'd think the cancer would be enough for one person to handle. But you add all of the domino effects that it causes, and it just gets too much to handle. Why can't it be easy to make up for the hard stuff of the cancer? Alot of bad things have been happening to people I know and love lately too, which is weighing heavily on me. Friends getting diagnosed with cancer and others going through family and health crisis'. Financial burdens. Children's emotional well beings. It just gets to be too much and sometimes I just can't handle it all. It's too much. Too hard. Too scary. And too unfair. I can't take anymore. Especially since I'm stretched so thin from not sleeping at night because i'm worrying. And with the chemo on top of that. I can't help anyone, let alone myself. It's scary to think that.

I've been journaling a lot about fear lately. We even discussed it in our support group last week. I'm hoping to share some of those peices with you all in the next few days.

I'm still trying to work on my Christmas cards and get those out. And I've been spending a lot of time getting Kaelin ready for her overnights class trip. Kaelin leaves for her 3 day class trip to Whale Cove on the coast tomorrow. We have to have her at school at 730am. The packing list is always so long and specific and is probably more work for the parents than the kids. And we have to pack them a lunch with like 4 snacks. More to do!!! I'm almost looking forward to not feeling well from the chemo so I can have some days in bed to rest although I know I will regret saying that. Once you start feeling bad, you feel like you always will feel bad. Like you will never feel well again. EVER. And that's the worst feeling.

Ok, Negative Nelly here signing off...
Thanks for listening and being patient with me.
Love ya all.
xoxox
shauna