Friday, June 20, 2008

A Dancer's Dream

I will not settle for less than greatness
I have the ability to move people
I am thankful for my gift
My heart screams for me to dance
I am motivated by challenges
My potential is huge and I will realize it all
I will achieve greatness in my life
I will not settle for second best...

That was the recital theme.

Kaelin's dance recital was last night. "The big dance" they have been working all year for. Now that it's over, she can now officially retire her spider costume.

She had a whole cheering section (we were all in the last row of the 1st balcony!) there to watch her. Her Grampa Chuck and Ginger (who left before we could get a photo), her "Grannie Seattle" (my mom, Cheryl), her "Grannie Gadget" (Dave's mom, Lynda), her 2nd and 3rd grade teachers (who happen to be married and who also left before we could get a photo) and myself. Also seated in our same row was her soccer coache's wife, Stacy (who was there to watch her niece) and their son, Aaron. It was so funny that everyone that we knew and who I wanted to run into, ended up sitting all in the same row, even though we all bought tickets separately and didn't arrange for it! How synchronistic is that??? That's happening a lot to me lately.

Anyways, the recital was really good. The performing company is just amazing. It's so professional. It's quite a show. The first half of the show before intermission, is alot of the youngest kids though because they want them to go early because the show runs late. The show really gets going after intermission when it's the older groups and the solos and stuff. Very impressive. We have to buy our tickets through Ticketmaster and it's at the Newmark Theater, a nice venue on Broadway Avenue in downtown Portland. Here's a photo of Dave's mom (on the left) and my mom with Kaelin. Notice that Kaelin changed out of her costume and into her basketball clothes as soon as her routine was over!

I got another parent to take a photo with me in it. Which I wish I wouldn't have, because look at how heavy I look. The steroids that they have me on with my chemo schedule haven't been kind to me, nor has all of the increased fluid in my abdomen. With the type of cancer I have, it's like a glaze of cells piling up on the insides of my abdomen and my omentum, the fatty layer over your abs. Plus the chemo destroys your lean muscle tissue. And being down every other week just really messes with a person. I'm trying to be compassionate with myself, but it's hard. I don't like it. I don't like how I look. I don't like how I feel. There's not a lot I can do about it. I'm embarrassed by what I see when I look in the mirror. All the scars and the fat and the short hair etc. I just don't look like me. I don't feel like me. But I'm in there, on the inside. I gotta remember that. It's what's inside that counts. So I'm working on the being compassionate to myself part. I would be compassionate to anyone else going through the same thing. So why not me????
Today I accompanied a friend, just diagnosed with breast cancer, to her oncology appointment. I was very happy to be able to be there for her. To help someone else going through a similar situation (even though every situation is different). To pay it forward. After the recital last night I threw this little notebook together and gave it to her today so she'd have something to take notes in while at the doctor's. It's just a moleskin notebook that I covered with patterned paper, some coordinating artwork, added ribbon and a breast cancer ribbon charm. I've been in a creative mood lately! But I'm keeping it quick and simple to make sure they get done!

Kaelin attended basketball camp this week, at Southridge High School, where her dad coaches. The girls on the team were the camp counselors. Two girls from her soccer team were also there, one of them the soccer coaches daughter, Summer. Kaelin and Summer were awarded "Campers of the Day" on Thursday. They got special "champion" SRHS tshirts as prizes.
This weekend is a quiet weekend for us, with nothing going on. Which is good before my chemo again on Monday. (didn't I just have chemo??? good gracious it comes quickly. One week off just isn't enough). We probably will go see "Get Smart" at the movies sometime this weekend. I also need to clean my house, change my sheets, etc. before going down for chemo next week. And I want to create stuff!! I'm so inspired right now. I don't know what to do with all of my ideas!
So I've rambled enough!
Enjoy your weekend! Party like rockstars!


Paris said...

What a great pic of all of you! I think you look beautiful... I see the Shauna that we all know and love. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this... I know it reeks havoc with your body. So unfair. But you are strong and tough, and will beat all that stupid cancer. I just know it. I'm glad you have a quiet weekend ahead. It will be so great to get in some quality time with your family. Oh, and I just love that notebook. You are really on quite the creative roll lately :) Totally cool!! Love ya, p

laura said...

shauna, you said:

I would be compassionate to anyone else going through the same thing. So why not me????

keep telling yourself that. let it sink in. i think you are beautiful, and i'm glad that kaelin has those super special, multi-generational pictures to cherish. (((((hugs))))

Laura Nicholas said...

Shauna - like Paris said - you are still the Shauna we know and love. The strong compassionate woman. I think we (women) all do that though. We put others before ourselves. Look at the support you are giving your friend that was just diagnosed with breast cancer. That is priceless.. Our looks do not make who we are....

I look forward to seeing you this afternoon. Paris - we will miss you but hope you are having a good weekend away with hubby.


My name is Shanna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
My name is Shanna said...

*reposted to add missing words* lol

You have clearly been feeling better... look at all the blogging I have missed! I am all caught up now and love the pics! K is becoming such a beautiful lady (don't tell her I said that, she will kick my butt, lol). I can't get over how lady-like she looks.

Great idea with Fav Pic Friday. I like it. I am going to start a "Notable Quotables" post on my blog. I have so many amazing quotes that I rely on and I want to have them where I can read them! Sharing them is a bonus!

I get what you are feeling about the impact of the fluid, steroids and forced schedule of rest. It changes you and it is hard to accept the 'new you'. You are right, however, to remember that the REAL you is your spirit and that has no form.

Our bodies are vessels for us to use as we move through our lives learning lessons, experiencing joy and love, and hopefully touching other people's lives. As such, our bodies go through all kinds of changes as we age, due to physical or medical issues, etc. Nevertheless, everything that you are is anchored securely inside that vessel.

YOUR LIFE is your priority, you are grateful, and you make a difference in the world around you. MY LIFE is forever blessed because of the you that I can't even see.

All my love, my friend.

nic said...

I love the pic of you - I think you are gorgeous, everytime I see a pic of you I see that smile. It's you. I totally get how you feel about not liking yourself, but we are always too hard, seriously, you are beautiful!
Gosh I see Kaelin and Spencer in your Mum. So alike.

JO said...

My granddaughter, Tori was at the recital last night! IF Julie (my daughter) was going to be there, I was going to have her say hi to you. But just Tori went with the parents of one of her friends. I don't know if they stayed for the second half so I don't know if she saw Kaelin. I will ask her if she saw a spider!

Sounds like you all had a wonderful time and all of you look great!

Love the book you made. You are so creative.

Enjoy your weekend and the nice weather. Hope to see you on Wed.

Love ya, JO

Soochal said...

I know how the treatment messes with your body and with your mind, but please know that when *I* look at you, I see strength, courage, inpiration and real, true, glowing from-the-inside-out beauty.

Nightscrapper said...

What a great poem. I love all the pics. How fun for K. I think I would be sad to be retiring this costume, it's way too cute.