My new oncologist called me tonight with my test results from Friday. It seems the suspicious spot on my omentum has grown, and there is also evidence in my abdomen along my right side, on the walls next to the spleen, etc. There is also some fluid. These developments, along with my increased CA125, have brought me back to needing to start chemo again. The doctor wanted to do 2 rounds of carboplaten/taxol and then do another ct scan to see if we were making progress. She asked if I could tolerater it. I said I could tolerate anything. I brought up my fear of doing too many ct scans, too close together, with the danger of radiation overexposure, and she thought we could monitor my CA125 and try 3 rounds before doing the ct scan. I like that she listens to me and comes up with a compromise. I asked about doing an MRI and she said those are good scans for bone and brain, but not as good for the abdomen. I asked about ultrasound and she said those are good for finding fluids but the ct scan is the best indicator for my situation and it's important to keep tabs on this stuff and monitor it so we can keep it under control. She also mentioned that there was a suspicious spot on my bladder that we need to keep an eye on. The good news, if you can find any in this, is that she didn't see any evidence on any organs and that's good. She thinks we can start the chemo and get some control on this and fight it back. For now of course. The way that this always plays out is that it comes, you do chemo and it goes away for awhile and then it comes back and you do it again. Hate to think of my life like that. A never ending battle of good vs evil. Been there, done that ya know? You think that I could catch a break. I really think I deserve one. What really sucks is that whenever I start taking really good care of myself and am doing everything right, that's when it seems to always come back. I know it's a coincidence, but it sure makes it hard. Why bother? I know the answer to that, but I can't help think it. I'm trying. I really am. It's getting harder and harder to play this stupid game. I don't want to play cancer patient anymore. I just want my life back. My body back. My future back. I want peace. I want normalcy. I want security. I don't understand why I must continue on this path. What did I do to deserve all of this? No one deserves this. It sucks. I'm sorry for being so negative. I'm just angry. I feel so robbed. Violated. Cancer sucks.
ps. thanks for going to the movie with me tonight Paris. Pettigrew Lives For a Day was cute! And it had a happy ending. I love happy endings.