Friday, March 28, 2008

When I have cancer, I shall wear pink....

Kaelin took these photos of me today. I've never been a pink person. Never felt comfortable in it. Or drawn to it even. Ever since I was diagnosed, I find myself drawn to it. And it's not because of the connection to breast cancer, because I don't have breast cancer (that I know of!). Maybe it's because I'm trying to hold on to my feminitiy, grace and dignity that cancer is stripping me of. Maybe because the color is soft and comforting. Peaceful. Innocent. Soothing. Girly. Feminine. Maybe it's because I had a total hysterectemy and am missing my girly parts and what they stand for. Maybe I want to feel pretty while I can, in all of this ugliness. Maybe I don't want anyone to mistake me and my balding head for a guy. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm into pretty and pink and putting on my makeup right now. Dolling myself up. While I still can. Maybe I'm trying to cover up something. Or show everyone I look good on the outside, to cover up what's happening on the inside. Maybe I just want to prove that bald is beautiful. Whatever the reason, I'm into the pink thing!

In this photo, you can see my hair growing back. Check it out, it's growing in all white! Total salt and pepper. Everyone is telling me that I look good with really short hair, like a pixie cut. That they know a lot of people who cut their hair this short on purpose! (I just think they are saying those things to make me feel better!) I know one things for sure, it's so easy! I can be showered, dressed, with make up on in 20 minutes or less! I hate this photo actually. Even though Kaelin is turning out to be quite the photographer. I just look so old. I like the photo with me with my hat and glasses on better. Covers up my gray and wrinkly eyes. Hopefully the one chemo drug I'm using right now (Carboplatten) is working, otherwise we have to add the Taxol back in, and those side effects cause hair loss. Trying to avoid that again. One thing I must say, my eyelashes have come in fuller and I'm loving that! My eyebrows are coming in too, but they are getting way out of control! LOL I hope I can keep my hair and try a bunch of fun, different short hairstyles along the way! I've never experimented with haircuts before. Always had long hair. Never knew I could/would look good in short hair. My favorite hairstyle was the cute hairstyle I had after my first round of chemo, when it grew back in fuller and before it all fell out, like the photo below:

It's weird not having any hair. You don't realize how attached to your hair you really are. And how naked and bare you feel without it. Not to mention cold!!! I'm really enjoying the process of it growing back in though. And appreciating what I have when I have it. Like my eyelashes! And dolling them up with mascara while I can. Because it's no fun not having eyelashes and eyebrows. I'm even more attached to those than I am the hair on my head! But in reality, it doesn't matter really. It's not what counts. It's not who you are. Or what you are. It's just hair.
ps. Go Bruins!!! Rock on!!!!


Laura Nicholas said...

You look "Pretty in Pink". I never would of thought you didn't wear this color before. It suits you. Wow - your hair is growing back fast. You look great in short hair. I guess it has been too long since I have seen you in person... We will need to change that soon. You will have fun playing with new styles...


Paris said...

What beautiful photos of you... tell K she did a great job. She is an awesome photographer just like her mommy. You are a beautiful, gorgeous lady inside and out, with or without hair, in pink and any other color. You are one hot momma :) See you tomorrow!! Can't wait!! Love, p

Anonymous said...

Shauna - I think your short hair looks great - really rather chic - nice it's easy to deal with too.

I hope your spring break is going well - we are out of town but Tilde says hello to Kaelin and I say hello to you.

Hope to see you soon.



Jean said...

I think you look great in Pink!! and love the hair!! You dont look old in my opinion..very stylish, actually. The photos are beautiful. Kaelin did a great job, she must be taking lessons from you.

BTW=i have a great friend who underwent breast cancer 2 yrs ago. She had your color hair and it was shoulder length. When her hair grew back, it was salt and pepper. It took about 1 year from growing back and now it is turning back to her original color. Weird, huh! I am proud to say she is 1 yr cancer free!!
The same may happen to you w/your hair color. Meanwhile-have fun w/it!You look Marvelous!
love, jean

Nightscrapper said...

I think you look fabulous in pink! And you hair style is very modern and very in. You look great! I especially love the second pic, you have an amazing smile and a sparkle in your eyes. I would never think you were fighting cancer. You have a winning spirit. Tell Kaelin she is a wonderful photographer. She has a great eye!!

laura said...

you are BEAUTIFUL! :)

My name is Shanna said...

I, too, am SO attached to my eye lashes. I was so sad a few years ago to find that they had fallen out over the years of exhaustion eye rubbing and had not grown back in. :o( How come no one ever told me that that could happen?!??! Sadly, what few lashes I still have are only a mere shadow of their former appearance. Nevertheless, I am glad to have what I have.

As you said, beauty is not found on the outside, it eminates from within. That explains the glow that you radiate, my friend. You are one gorgeous lady, inside and out.

xoxo, Shanna

Nic Howard said...

I love your haircut too! Seriously! Wow! I love the sparkle I see as well :o)

ali said...

I love the pink, pixie cut photo of you Shauna! You look BEAUTIFUL! GORGEOUS! Not many women can get away with a "cut" like that...but you can! I think it looks chic on you!

Melissa said...

Your eyelashes came back fuller??? I am JEALOUS!!! Mine have never been the same since chemo. They are so short, I practically poke myself in the eye if I want to wear mascara. I had the salt and pepper thing going too. Never colored my hair til after chemo took it away. Now that it's been over a year, it does seem less gray now. Or maybe it's because it's longer. Who knows?

You do look sensational and so cute with the pixie style. I have a friend who did chemo after me who's kept her hair that length. Be prepared for the chemo curls that might follow if you grow it out more. :D