Kaelin took these photos of me today. I've never been a pink person. Never felt comfortable in it. Or drawn to it even. Ever since I was diagnosed, I find myself drawn to it. And it's not because of the connection to breast cancer, because I don't have breast cancer (that I know of!). Maybe it's because I'm trying to hold on to my feminitiy, grace and dignity that cancer is stripping me of. Maybe because the color is soft and comforting. Peaceful. Innocent. Soothing. Girly. Feminine. Maybe it's because I had a total hysterectemy and am missing my girly parts and what they stand for. Maybe I want to feel pretty while I can, in all of this ugliness. Maybe I don't want anyone to mistake me and my balding head for a guy. I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm into pretty and pink and putting on my makeup right now. Dolling myself up. While I still can. Maybe I'm trying to cover up something. Or show everyone I look good on the outside, to cover up what's happening on the inside. Maybe I just want to prove that bald is beautiful. Whatever the reason, I'm into the pink thing!
In this photo, you can see my hair growing back. Check it out, it's growing in all white! Total salt and pepper. Everyone is telling me that I look good with really short hair, like a pixie cut. That they know a lot of people who cut their hair this short on purpose! (I just think they are saying those things to make me feel better!) I know one things for sure, it's so easy! I can be showered, dressed, with make up on in 20 minutes or less! I hate this photo actually. Even though Kaelin is turning out to be quite the photographer. I just look so old. I like the photo with me with my hat and glasses on better. Covers up my gray and wrinkly eyes. Hopefully the one chemo drug I'm using right now (Carboplatten) is working, otherwise we have to add the Taxol back in, and those side effects cause hair loss. Trying to avoid that again. One thing I must say, my eyelashes have come in fuller and I'm loving that! My eyebrows are coming in too, but they are getting way out of control! LOL I hope I can keep my hair and try a bunch of fun, different short hairstyles along the way! I've never experimented with haircuts before. Always had long hair. Never knew I could/would look good in short hair. My favorite hairstyle was the cute hairstyle I had after my first round of chemo, when it grew back in fuller and before it all fell out, like the photo below:
It's weird not having any hair. You don't realize how attached to your hair you really are. And how naked and bare you feel without it. Not to mention cold!!! I'm really enjoying the process of it growing back in though. And appreciating what I have when I have it. Like my eyelashes! And dolling them up with mascara while I can. Because it's no fun not having eyelashes and eyebrows. I'm even more attached to those than I am the hair on my head! But in reality, it doesn't matter really. It's not what counts. It's not who you are. Or what you are. It's just hair.
ps. Go Bruins!!! Rock on!!!!