Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Midweek update

Had chemo yesterday. Round 12 of 12. But probably starting another round soon. Hoping to have some time off because I am just so burned out on the whole cancer thing. Sick and tired of it. Sick of watching people die. Went to my support group today and we passed a candle for another lady from the group that died Oct. 16th. Her service is Sat.

I don't know what got into me today but I cried like a baby all day. I went to group and just had to work so hard to hold in my tears and then I couldn't stop crying. I was a mess. Dave rearranged his schedule and stayed home to take over the kid responsibilities so I could nap. I needed that. I'm going to blame my fragile emotional state on chemo. I'm just so tired of it all. I really am. I don't want to play this stupid cancer game anymore. I want to go back to being normal. Back to life before cancer. I really do. Sigh.

I did accompany Spencer to his end of season Catlin soccer party. That was fun. Nice to hear the coach talk about the team and the parents talk about the coach. What a great group. Glad I could attend and keep my emotions in check. Feel much better after that.

So sorry to all of my friends that had to listen to my pity party today. I appreciate your friendship and concern and thank you for being patient with me and for being there in both the good and bad times. Wish there were less bad times though. No offense.

Can't wait to ditch Fillup the chemo pump tomorrow. Not sure I'm up for dressing up as Snow White on Friday now. Feeling less than "Fair", certainly not feeling like the "fairest". Although living happily ever after sounds pretty good to me about now.

Big hugs to all. Enjoy your week and all of that Halloween candy! Anyone not wanting their Milky Way or Twix, send them over! They are my favorite!

xxoxoxo
Shauna

12 comments:

Paris said...

So sorry that you had such a rough day. It broke my heart to have you so upset. I wish I could fix things... I really do. I would give anything for you to have normal back. Anything. I can help with the Twix and Milky Ways though :) Lots-o-chocolate coming your way, my dear friend. And lots of hugs too. I hope you feel up to celebrating on Friday night. You are a very lovely Snow White. I hope you and your family have a wonderful time together. Love to you, p

Jean said...

Aw, shauna, I'm so sorry that you had a bad day. and so sorry that you have to go thru all this.Hang in there, cry all you want, you deserve it. Glad you got to rest though! Sending you cyber hugs and lots of chocolate!!
hugs
Jean

Angie said...

sending a big hug to you!

Soochal said...

Friends come to all the parties - birthday, holiday *and* pity parties! That's why they're friends.

I'm sorry you're down. I hope you're feeling better soon. BIGBIGBIG hugs from NJ!

And I, for one, think you *are* the fairest of them all... XXOO

Anonymous said...

I, for one, say I go thru those major meltdowns every now and then - it cleanses the soul or so I hear. You have been so tough, Shanna, and I know every one of us wonder how you muster up the strength sometimes. It's not easy to see those you know lose their battle but you are proving over and over that you're beating the odds because of your positive attitude. Be happy, be sad, be disappointed at times but take whatever emotion you have and live it and we are right there with you with love, support and understanding.

Marlene

jennifer pates said...

Hi Shauna,

You don't know me but i TOTALLY know what you are going through. I was 23 when diagnosed and was VERY PISSED. Please know you are not alone. There is an organization out there called i[2]y (I'm too young for this) that I am a part of that REALLY helped me. If you need anything or even just someone who has been there that you can vent to please contact me. jenniferpates@gmail.com

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Jenn

Anonymous said...

HUGS dear Shauna! You are more than entitled to a good cry and pity party! I hope you feel the love of your friends and know we are with you every step of the way. You will beat the C beast, I know you will with every ounce of my soul!

Off to Seattle tomorrow with the dancers. Alaina is beyond excited, oh my! We will see my MIL on the way up which I'm happy about.

Love you!!! Jaci

Miss Amos said...

Hi Shauna,
My name is Amy and I am also with I'm Too Young For This. I am a thyroid cancer survivor and I had more days than I can count where I just complete broke down and cried and desperately wished I really was too young for cancer. Sometimes I think the hardest part about cancer is the part that no one prepares you for and that's the emotional trauma of the diagnosis. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and I sincerely hope that tomorrow is a much better day for you. You can reach me at anytime at awhite@i2y.com if you ever need to vent.

Kimberly said...

Hi Shauna!
I'm Kim... a 27 year old 3-time cancer survivor. I live in California, and am involved with I'm Too Young For This. I could go on and on and tell you my life story (Ewing's Sarcoma in my right leg, metastasis to lungs, then Renal Cell Carcinoma), but really all that needs to be said is- I understand. There are a ton of us young survivors out there and we are all frickin fabulous. :) You are allowed to be pissed, and sad, and mopey and whatever else you want to be, and that doesn't make you any less bad ass. :) Feel free to write!

Nightscrapper said...

You have every right to feel the way you do. Cancer Sucks! Hang in there girl. I pray daily that you can get back to NORMAL. Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

Shauna,
It was awesome to see you at the gym the other day - as usual you looked fab :) How about a cup of tea next time you are there ... I am there Tuesday afternoons - till 9pm! I'll bring some Milky Ways to share (and, since I don't like chocolate I'll even let you have the whole thing...).

Hande

Stan said...

Awww Girlie.....I'm sorry you had a bad day....I hope you are doing better now and were a fabulous Snow White!

XOXO!!!