Tuesday, July 22, 2008

When one door opens...another one closes.

First of all, here are some photos of my red door (it's called "Seattle Red")!

I'm going for the beachy/cottagy house look. This is a start!

And the front of my house, which used to be yellow but after living there for 13 years, we had to paint it in the fall to preserve our LP siding! I love the color combo! All of the newer neighborhoods that I've been seeing are dark colors like this. And I've always wanted a red door. ALWAYS! It's on my list of things that make me happy. :) Our front door was vandalized years and years ago. Someone (they suspected a young boy across the street who has now moved) took our red watering can and kept banging it on the front of our door, so it was all banged up and dented and had red paint marks on it. So that door is gone (bu-bye!). I still want to get some shutters and hang them around the windows above the garage and paint them red too! It's hard to really get a good photo of the front of my house due to all of the trees in and around our yard! Our house overlooks a cul de sac. We used to live on a dead end (one house away from the dead end) but then they sold the land/field they said they'd never sell and built through, so traffic is more than it used to be obviously. But it's still a nice place to live and great location. Good neighbors. Lots of parks and walking trails. Easy access to main highways, the mall, etc. We need to get our windows replaced too, but that's really expensive! Dave needs to sell alot more houses to afford that! Oh well, baby steps. One thing at a time.

They say that when one gorgeous red door opens, another closes. The door closing being the one at Hot Off the Press, where I've worked as an in-house designer for the last 9 years (on and off the last 2 due to my cancer/chemo schedule). The temp that they have had working for the summer is going back to France. My boss called me today and asked if I could work the 32-40 hours a week they needed to fill that spot. Obviously, with my every other week chemo schedule, I can't do that EVERY week. I could pull it off every other week, but not every week. "Fillup" has needs you know! Here's a quick photo of "Fillup" and me, photo by Kaelin:
The black thing in my hand is the pump. It is filled with a chemo agent called 5FU. It pumps the agent directly into my port, where the tubing is connected via a needle into my port-a-cath. It can't be disconnected. So I'm stuck with it until I go back into the chemo suite on Wednesday and have the chemo nurses disconnect me. He goes everywhere with me. The bathroom. To bed. The only place we can't go is to shower, bath or swim! So I get to get really smelly for the next 3 days. You might want to avoid me until late Wednesday! Just a warning.

Also, Please disregard my "fatness" in the photo. I asked my doc about that, about gaining weight (I've put on more) and she said that is the case more often than not with chemo. It destroys your metabolism. Great. Another great side effect. Anyways, back to the subject. My job.

She then decided that due to the circumstances, she needed to take me off of the payroll and put me on a contractor status. If they need help, she'll call and I'll work as a contractor. So now I need to go into work and officially and finally take down all of my belongings from my desk and bulletin board, etc. All of my photos. It's going to be hard. It's so final. When all of this stuff first happened, they told me I'd always have a place there. But things have changed, the market has changed and it's been 2 years. You can't expect them to wait for me forever. I totally understand and don't blame them. My situation is just so uncertain and doesn't ever go as planned. I can't guarantee anything. Life turns on a dime for me. I'm hurt because I feel like that gave up on me. And I love my job. I loved working there. I love my co-workers. They've all been so good to me. How can I give that up and say goodbye and walk out the door and not look back? What pisses me off more than anything is that here is an example of just another thing that cancer has taken from me. Hasn't it taken enough already?

What about karma? When does it turn around and come back and let some really good things happen and go my way? I'm a good person. I've always done the right thing. I've treated people nice. Given 110% to almost everything I do. Why can't I catch a break? Why can't things go my way for a change? This cancer crap is just so darn old I tell ya. I'm tired of it. I want my life back. I want security back. Normalcy. Routines. My job. It's not fair. It's a hard pill to swallow I tell ya.

So I'm going in on Friday to clean up my desk and collect my belongings. No one will really be there on Friday so I think it will be easier and best for me to do it then. And I'll leave my key. And then walk out the back door because I still can't bring my self to walk past Kate's desk at the front door.

And if anyone in the area is looking, HOTP is looking to hire a full time in house designer. Their offices are in Canby. Good luck. :)

So that is my sob story. I'll be fine. I always am. Can't say it doesn't hurt though. Right now it hurts alot. But it'll pass. That's my bad news for today.

After I got that call about my job, I came home and got some GOOD NEWS! An email from my oncologist. My CA125 results are back. They were 54 last time I think. Normal is 35 or below. And don't forget I stopped the oxcilliplatin due to an allergic reaction, so I'm only doing avastin and 5FU. My CA125 has gone down to 36!!!! I'm one point off of a high normal!! How cool is that???? That made my hurt just a little bit less. :) That's encouraging.

After my appointment with my oncologist on Monday though, she's concerned about my gall bladder. I guess that's a common problem with chemo/cancer patients. I'm going to get an ultrasound Friday at 8pm. No eating or drinking anything after 12 pm noon on Friday! I'm going to starve! Maybe that will be a good time to start a diet??? LOL So wish me luck. I'm kind hoping it's not my gall bladder (don't want/need another surgery) but then again, kind of hoping it is since that will explain some pains/symptoms and not be cancer taking over my body.

Finally, I'm going to leave you with a photo of Kaelin and Simba with his haircut. It's grown out a little bit.

Enjoy the rest of the week!!


nic said...

HOTP was where I 'started' as well, in a way. Remember my very first competition I entered? With the bungy jumping page? that's how it all started for me.
I can imagine your desk and remember some of the stuff you had around it. I'm sorry things have to change. Like you say, the scrapbooking market has changed too. it's tough out there.
Good news is that you are still on contract basis with them. The other good news is those CA markers! 36! WHOOOOOOOWEEEEEEE!!! I just about jumped out of my seat reading that one!!
Love the front door :o) I had trouble remembering your front door then decided it was becuase we used the garage door. LOL

Nic XX

Katie Hacker said...

I know how hard it is to leave a job you love... Sending you hugs and good wishes!

Paris said...

Hey you... love that door :) Love those CA125 results. So happy to have you to laugh and cry with today. What a crazy friggin' day. Still in awe about the hotp thing. Their loss. Whatever. Onto bigger and better things for you, my dear. You can just continue to take good care of yourself, and create on your own schedule. Looking forward to our playdate on Thursday. Will be good for both of us. I'm pretty sure that karma will come back to us both when the time is just perfect :) We will just patiently wait...together. Love ya to pieces, my friend. p

JO said...

Love, love, love your red front door. Now if I come to visit you, I will be able to pick out your house.

Sorry about your job but I like what Paris said about you creating now on your time. And it is definitely their loss.

Glad your CA125 is down....way down. And it is nice that you are not having severe side effects.

Wendy is having her gall bladder out and she said chemo tends to affect a persons gall bladder. The surgery is so simple these days, so if you would have to have it out, it shouldn't be too bad. And it would be nice if that took care of your pain.

Enjoy your week with our nice weather. We have our grandkids here so I am not going to group tomorrow. I miss seeing you there.

Love ya, JO

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...I can't honestly post here what I think about the hotp news. I think you can probably imagine.

Loving the red door, and hope it puts a smile on your face whenever you see it.

Big hugs..Ang

Stan said...

Hi Girlie,

Love the new results and your red door, I want to paint my door that color now ;-)

I'm sorry about HOTP, its pretty crappy! I still miss you every day and love you to pieces.

Hang in there and stay in touch!!

Love ya Lots,

Anonymous said...

Your house is looking really cute. Trea and I are going to be in Portland from the 27 until, the 31 or possibly the 1st, and wanted to see if we could hook up. Let me know.

Jane said...

Shauna the good news is FAB, no comment on the bad news as that just really is hard to hear.

We'd still love to have Kaelin over for a playdate before the summer ends - let us know what works for you.

Raelyn said...

No matter what you think, you are beautiful on the inside and out. You look vibrant and healthy and I will continue to rejoice over the progress you have made with your treatment. I have enjoyed becoming a "chemo pal" with you. May we continue to inspire one another to keep on moving forward and reach to point of being cancer-free! Time, patience, trust, and some darn good drugs will get us there! Have a wonderful weekend, my friend!

Nightscrapper said...

LOVE the red door. I just had a similar color of shutters put around my windows and now I just need to have my door match. Love your door!! The color of your house rocks too!

Sorry to hear about work. You are super-uber talented. Not just in scrapbooking, but even in poetry and storytelling. You never know what awaits you around the corner. You definitely have a story to tell. A story of uncertainty, sadness, despair and hope. You have a way of touching peoples lives and hearts. I'm sure bigger and better things are waiting for you.

I'm excited for you that your count is almost normal. YoooHoooo, Girl!!! What a great thing to read. Don't worry about the fatness, worry about getting better. BTW, I think you look wonderful!

Have a fabulous weekend!